Ambition

   Ambition is defined as, an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment. As I revel in the self-pity only those unemployed or underemployed understand, it is only natural that I question every decision I have made in the past three years. It is the curse only those with too much time must bear. It is greatly exacerbated by every employment rejection received, especially those with the too inexperienced, too under-qualified, or the too over-qualified, etc..If I would have stayed in my old job, where would I be? Then I begin to lament my lack of ambition. However, all of the reason why I have done what I have done, come flooding back to me. Waking up with anxiety every day, grinding my teeth when I slept, the little sleep I did get. I worked for a madman and that is the greatest curse of all (especially because I cannot put him as a reference since he ran his business into the ground.) So it is not lack of ambition, it was my desire to truly enjoy what I do, and not gain 25 lbs due to the stress of a career, commute, and boss who was an utter nightmare. Regardless of what "the college senior who is perfect" or Herman Cain say, I do not lack ambition. My motives are sincerely different than most others.

    I, unlike many, am asking for something different. It in no ways means I am lazy or unmotivated, I have just assessed my ambition differently. My ultimate goal is to not be wealthy or powerful, I simply want to be happy and make a difference in what I do, and I want to be able to get by while doing it. I am trying to avoid the endless ambition of those who are never happy in their job, home, relationships, and life in general because they always want more. The idea that there is something greater, materialistic wise, out there can only mean that you will never be happy, because when is enough, enough. When I sink in despair, whether it is because I am debating what I can or cannot afford or get another job rejection, I simply have to remember my motivation.

    Monday was a rough day, that stupid letter written by the alleged college senior, telling everyone how great he/she is and how you have to be a complete idiot to end up not like that person was making the rounds on Facebook again. Here I am on the train, sick with snot literally pouring from my nose and delayed of course and without Kleenex(and I had finished the book I brought with), and there it was staring at me, the 29 year old, with student loan debt, no great job prospects, and a 1996 Volvo that recently has been having trouble just even getting me to Waukegan. It was enough to put anyone into a funk in circumstances even remotely similar to mine. Tuesday as I cleaned my house again, for about the hundredth time in the last month, I wallowed deeper and deeper in to the abyss of self-doubt. By Tuesday night, I was on the verge of drinking a whole bottle of wine, when I saw a new Frontline was on PBS. Watching that episode was enough to remind me of my mission. Like I said, it is not to be wealthy, or powerful, it is simply to make a difference and be happy. While I might be struggling right now, at least I am being true to myself.

    You see, that Frontline episode highlighted our immigration problems in the United States. It displayed the agony being inflicted on families, good families, with good kids and good hearts, all because our Federal Government is completely inept. It is inept for one reason and one reason only, ambition. The old fashioned ambition that caused the perpetual wars throughout the world, pre-enlightenment period. The Hundred Years War, the War of Roses, etc...all of those glorious battles between knights and kings with the express purpose of changing the existing world order because of greed and unchecked ambition. I almost gagged as I watched President Obama's Director of Intergovernmental Affairs, Cecilia Muñoz sell-out her beloved cause for the enjoyment of the position she holds now. All of the hard work for La Raza, down the drain, her voice filled with spite as she declares the President is only doing what he is doing because of congress. Like he cannot stand up for his cause, like she cannot stand up for her cause. I often feel the same about President Obama. I sometimes chide myself for thinking he sold himself out these last years, and for what? To remain in office for another four years. I might be in rough spot right now, but at least I will not sell out my beliefs and principles for the sort of ambition that propels me to the understanding that regardless of everything I am doing now, there is something better out there. I will not sell my principles for money or power, or to join the robotic corporate machinery. It is not just Democrats who do this, look at Republicans, especially those of the establishment who find themselves fighting amongst those who claim to be in their own party, to hold on or move higher in their position.

      So while I might have student loans (Holy crap that must be treasonous now days...I should probably hang for it) and a 1996 Volvo, at least I have an amazing husband, dog, and house that I would never trade for all the money in the world. It is not the money anyone should be seeking. Money is good admittedly, and we need it, but we also need to live with dignity, principle, and compassion for others. So I for one am going to hold out. Continue to be true to myself, even if it means going to job interviews in clothes that are totally appropriate (GOD FORBID I DO NOT WEAR AN UGLY WOMEN'S BUSINESS SUIT) but show that I have a personality, because I am sure there is a company out there that will recognize I do have a lot skills, (even though I was completely moronic enough to take out a student loan...man I should probably be deported for that) a great work ethic, and ambition. I am worth something, a lot of people out there are worth something, regardless of if they are having trouble finding employment, or took out a student loan. It truly makes me sad that I even have to write that, because we are all Americans, and neighbors and a community. Wanting the best for everyone is not a crime and it is NOT Socialism or Communism, it just means you have enough AMBITION to care about others and believe in the greater world around you.