The "weight" of it all

     After years of struggling, I am finally becoming comfortable with being okay that I really do not know  much. It is my way forward, from here on out that there really is not much I know for certain. Don't get me wrong I do know some things, just not a lot about other people, what is going to happen in the future, the exact causal relationships of certain effects, etc...but mostly things about other people. The result of this has been kind of a wild ride.
  
     At first, in trying to come to grips with my "shortcomings" I panicked and blamed it on my family. Was I not given the proper tools in life to cope? What the hell? In truth I felt very short-changed. But, then I realized this truth in grad school...most of everything that comes out of so many peoples' mouth is subjective bullshit and opinion for the most part. That is when things got interesting and comical, but only for a short while, because then I realized that like-minded people feed off each others bullshit. So I started trying to call it out, which you cannot. My next step was to start trying to bullshit also, but I couldn't follow through, mainly because I lack the false or manufactured confidence and partly because I am too lazy to not be real. I just do not want to put forth the effort to gain that air of superiority, needed to maintain a sense of self-entitled wisdom to bestow upon everyone else. I also just cannot do it because through all of it, what has become glaring clear is that the world is way to gray from me to pursue a black and white bullshit crusade.

      By now you are probably like, "What the hell is this diatribe about?" "Seriously you sound like an ass, get to your point." Etc....My point is that most of the time these days, looking at Facebook becomes an exercise of self-control in overcoming my desire to passive-aggressively diss the self appointed know-it-alls. There....I said it, and that was not passive aggressive at all, giant step Shannon. I feel better. The reason this has come up, is that in a time of gratitude, there are so many people out there in general that, God, the only expression that comes to mind is, blah blah blah blah...."I do this", "We do that", "How can people be like x", "What is wrong with y", the ever condescending "Enjoy :)" and last but not least, the "LOOK AT ME" variety. The worst offender these days, the blogs about weight. Every damn day, in and out, Huffington post has a least one posted blog if not more. Yahoo has one, people re-post and re-post (obvs defo of viral) on Facebook and Twitter. People get up-in-arms about them, they agree with them, or like me get annoyed in general at the topic, which never, ever, ever, ever really talks about anything honestly because we are so self-absorbed that we cannot see past our own noses, me included.

    I used to get annoyed and offended by all of the weight/i workout like a bad-ass/real women have curves posts variety of posts. I still do, but in a different way now. I have always been very athletic, so I hated the "real women" have curves bullshit, always have.....a real woman has a vagina and that is pretty much it. In the same breath as someone who is athletic, works-out about the same amount as most of my friend, but looks as if I work out way more (come on I am 6ft, I could use my ever hated #blessed just to really rub it in:) but that was my last post), I realize some people are born with pretty good genes in that department. Then there are those who work out like MAD and think everyone else should do it and "if ya don't it is your fault you look like do, I do not even think about chocolate I am so much better than you because I can do 10 marathons in one day" kind of people who I just feel bad for. Everyone thinks that they are special enough, their experience deeper, their message the truth, that everyone should hear it and be thankful because now, and only now...can we all change our lives and be perfect like them. Either, accept our weight, work to look like so and so, or just be. (I prefer just being with my moderate work-out schedule and copious amounts of wine and sweets with my friends)

   Now  because I have realized that I truly only can understand my life and myself, all I see these blogs or articles as creating a massive population of women who are completely neurotic messes, who are never going be happy "just being." (Don't even get me started on the Mommy Wars bullshit...I do not even have kids because it scares me so much....Lay-off each other already) And no I am not sad for the women, like I said last time, we need to quit it. I am tired of hear about "fat-shaming," "thin-shaming," "thin-privledge," "real-women look like this (insert a picture of someone who looks like not one woman I know, because ironically, a real woman does not look like 1 person in general)." We have serious issues with trying to prove our worth and again not I do not feel bad that we think this anymore. If I am having a great time out or (gasp!) on a beach with a friend, it does not matter what size, shape, color, or form (unless water soluble that could be problem on beach) she happens to be. I am also going get highly annoyed if said friend cannot have a good time, because she is worrying about what other people, she will most likely never see again, think of her. Not to mention, I do have 2 working fists if someone would actually dare say anything, I am not advocating violence but we do not need to be victims to other peoples judgyness, which is another aspect. None of this bullshit is empowering, it is just invalidating other peoples values, feelings, beliefs, at the expense of the author feeling better about themselves.

    And here is the rub about what really pisses me off about all this crap....the only people we are truly hurting in all this are the people we often forget are around us....our KIDS. I work with teenage girls, they are not dumb. They have access to the internet, they see these as well. They see the neurotic tendencies all these women create for themselves. They are obsessed with putting on make-up (hhmmm I wonder why), they feel bad about the way they look more than we do. They make-up a large portion of the vulnerable in our society looking for guidance. They do not get asked to be put in living situations that they find themselves a part of. The do not ask to be our children. We are charged with giving them the confidence they need to succeed in the world. When we are more concerned with spouting our own bullshit, and how we look, we ignore the grayness of the world around us. As a woman, I am going to keep on doing what I am doing, because I like it. I like going to yoga sculpt with one of my most cherished friends, and going out after drinking a bottle of wine and have an amazingly rich dinner out (because that is what our Wednesday's are about, not the work out, not how we look, but how we feel). If that creates a few dimples in my ass then so be it. I am also going to work on encouraging friends to change if they are not comfortable with who they are, and if they are comfortable, then we better have a damn good time in our swimsuits regardless of who is around, because I could give a rats ass what you all look like. I am also going to be a good roll model for the teenage girls I am around. Because someone needs to calm the hell down about weight and do it. See the real issues. I am going to model the confidence I wish so badly to see in them. Because lord knows, they mimic us, neurotic tendencies and all. We owe it to them to share the truths about what we do know, and as long as you are confident and healthy you do not need to project your ideas about weight on anyone else. We can all "just be us" together.

Reflection, Redemption and Self-Acceptance

   Something has been bothering me for a long time and I've been having trouble putting my finger on it. IT literally has been driving me absolutely crazy. Gnawing away at my very soul, to put it melodramatically. However, the closer I get to the revelation of what's been bothering me, the better I feel about everything in life. And this morning, after reading articles about child plastic surgery, (yeah, how sad right?) bullying, and opinion  pieces in general I had a small epiphany that culminated into a clear thought! (I take my small victories where I can get it these days and a clear thought would  be that)
    You see, I try really hard at a lot of things in life, especially when it comes to being a good friend and family member. In taking a step back I realize, it seems I have created this fantastic situation where I am lucky to have so many people who accept me and want me to be a part of their lives despite all of my shortcomings, financially, physically, emotionally, or my wishy-washy nature (special thanks to my husband on that one). Because, in the grand scheme of life, those things do not really matter. I no longer care that I make little money, do not have a "real" career, gained a few pounds since my birthday (whoops) or lack a set direction in life. What matters is that I have people who like and love me despite, we all do and that is a fantastic situation.
     We seem to forget, with Facebook, Instagram, twitter, etc.., that materialistic or shallow pursuits do not matter in our most important relationships to our friends, families, and selves. Today we are in such a rush to show people what we have, what we do, convey how cool we are, that we are not being authentic to ourselves or the people that matter most. Worst of all, we are creating a massive population of neurotic, self-doubting, selfish, and judgmental people. For every missive out there that makes you feel like you are not good enough, I guarantee you probably have just as many well wishes and thoughts from your friends and family. It is unfortunate that this does not get attention or is not always realized and is certainly not pointed  out enough in our celebrity-worshiping, materialistic loving county. Someone succeeding at or trying so hard at something they are crazily passionate about is authentic and deep. That is beautiful, even if failure is a result.
        Nothing in life is ever easy or guaranteed, unless we remain true to humanity. Humanity in a sense that there is always someone out there, who possesses enough empathy and sympathy to truly care about you, even if they are a stranger. Consider yourself a thousand times more lucky if they are familiar. So here is what I can guarantee you:
-If you do not create something so inventive and become the next Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, your family, friends and strangers you touch in a positive, way will still think you are great.
-If you never look like Doutzen Kroes, Naomi Campbell, Robin Lawley or some other super-model we will all still think your a kick-ass human being.
-If you do not makes as much money as Warren Buffet, or even just your average local millionaire, you would be hard pressed to find someone worth a grain of salt who would think you are an utter failure.
-If you never achieve as much earned fame as Brad Pitt or unearned fame as Kim Karsdashian, you will always still dazzle the people who matter with your charm and wit.  
       This is where the clear thought comes in....the people who are judging you are not the ones that matter, ever. Rather strange or familiar face. After another awesome Wednesday night with one of my most perfect-to-me friends, I realized that neither one of us judges each for our short comings (I mean OH MY GOD I do not think it crosses our mind) and then I extended that to other friends and family. The ones that will truly matter do not judge me and I do not judge them and that is clear. Judging is a mechanism that we have unfortunately developed to cope with our own insecurities about ourselves. It is the outright display of our ideas of success defined by others, importance on materialism, and an inability to find all that is authentic about life. The pictures and brags about things that essentially do not matter on the internet. The obnoxious photos that are meant to convey how large of life so-and-so is living, the "I love my life and job am so #blessed" statements that is meant to reflect a heavenly push in their direction, not yours, so you must not be good enough for God even. It is a downright demoralizing process looking at the web some times. You realize how much you do not have, how short your short-comings really are, how foolish you are to place importance on something many people so clearly do not.
       Well, I am not going to do that anymore. I might not be #blessed (sorry I have to do with the hash-tag bc God it is soooooo obnoxious) with all that is important to someone else, but I am lucky to have what I do have. It might seem ridiculous to a lot of people, but it is nice to be truly comfortable around the people you care most about. You know what else I am not going to do, judge people. Even if they do brag because all that does is perpetuate the cycle of feeling like I am not good enough and if people are bragging then they probably also do not feel like they are good enough. I am tired of not feeling good enough by our society. Furthermore I do not want those who I care most about, or anyone for that matter, to feel like they are not good enough. I want to accept myself for who I am finally now that I realize that there are so many people out there who already do. Whats more is that I want you, whoever actually reads this thing, to feel the same way. Also importantly, I want to apologize on for myself (and our society) if I have ever made you feel like you were not good enough for anything. No one deserves to feel like that, and we need to stop feeling bad by starting to make others feel great for being who they are. Being human.