After years of struggling, I am finally becoming comfortable with being okay that I really do not know much. It is my way forward, from here on out that there really is not much I know for certain. Don't get me wrong I do know some things, just not a lot about other people, what is going to happen in the future, the exact causal relationships of certain effects, etc...but mostly things about other people. The result of this has been kind of a wild ride.
At first, in trying to come to grips with my "shortcomings" I panicked and blamed it on my family. Was I not given the proper tools in life to cope? What the hell? In truth I felt very short-changed. But, then I realized this truth in grad school...most of everything that comes out of so many peoples' mouth is subjective bullshit and opinion for the most part. That is when things got interesting and comical, but only for a short while, because then I realized that like-minded people feed off each others bullshit. So I started trying to call it out, which you cannot. My next step was to start trying to bullshit also, but I couldn't follow through, mainly because I lack the false or manufactured confidence and partly because I am too lazy to not be real. I just do not want to put forth the effort to gain that air of superiority, needed to maintain a sense of self-entitled wisdom to bestow upon everyone else. I also just cannot do it because through all of it, what has become glaring clear is that the world is way to gray from me to pursue a black and white bullshit crusade.
By now you are probably like, "What the hell is this diatribe about?" "Seriously you sound like an ass, get to your point." Etc....My point is that most of the time these days, looking at Facebook becomes an exercise of self-control in overcoming my desire to passive-aggressively diss the self appointed know-it-alls. There....I said it, and that was not passive aggressive at all, giant step Shannon. I feel better. The reason this has come up, is that in a time of gratitude, there are so many people out there in general that, God, the only expression that comes to mind is, blah blah blah blah...."I do this", "We do that", "How can people be like x", "What is wrong with y", the ever condescending "Enjoy :)" and last but not least, the "LOOK AT ME" variety. The worst offender these days, the blogs about weight. Every damn day, in and out, Huffington post has a least one posted blog if not more. Yahoo has one, people re-post and re-post (obvs defo of viral) on Facebook and Twitter. People get up-in-arms about them, they agree with them, or like me get annoyed in general at the topic, which never, ever, ever, ever really talks about anything honestly because we are so self-absorbed that we cannot see past our own noses, me included.
I used to get annoyed and offended by all of the weight/i workout like a bad-ass/real women have curves posts variety of posts. I still do, but in a different way now. I have always been very athletic, so I hated the "real women" have curves bullshit, always have.....a real woman has a vagina and that is pretty much it. In the same breath as someone who is athletic, works-out about the same amount as most of my friend, but looks as if I work out way more (come on I am 6ft, I could use my ever hated #blessed just to really rub it in:) but that was my last post), I realize some people are born with pretty good genes in that department. Then there are those who work out like MAD and think everyone else should do it and "if ya don't it is your fault you look like do, I do not even think about chocolate I am so much better than you because I can do 10 marathons in one day" kind of people who I just feel bad for. Everyone thinks that they are special enough, their experience deeper, their message the truth, that everyone should hear it and be thankful because now, and only now...can we all change our lives and be perfect like them. Either, accept our weight, work to look like so and so, or just be. (I prefer just being with my moderate work-out schedule and copious amounts of wine and sweets with my friends)
Now because I have realized that I truly only can understand my life and myself, all I see these blogs or articles as creating a massive population of women who are completely neurotic messes, who are never going be happy "just being." (Don't even get me started on the Mommy Wars bullshit...I do not even have kids because it scares me so much....Lay-off each other already) And no I am not sad for the women, like I said last time, we need to quit it. I am tired of hear about "fat-shaming," "thin-shaming," "thin-privledge," "real-women look like this (insert a picture of someone who looks like not one woman I know, because ironically, a real woman does not look like 1 person in general)." We have serious issues with trying to prove our worth and again not I do not feel bad that we think this anymore. If I am having a great time out or (gasp!) on a beach with a friend, it does not matter what size, shape, color, or form (unless water soluble that could be problem on beach) she happens to be. I am also going get highly annoyed if said friend cannot have a good time, because she is worrying about what other people, she will most likely never see again, think of her. Not to mention, I do have 2 working fists if someone would actually dare say anything, I am not advocating violence but we do not need to be victims to other peoples judgyness, which is another aspect. None of this bullshit is empowering, it is just invalidating other peoples values, feelings, beliefs, at the expense of the author feeling better about themselves.
And here is the rub about what really pisses me off about all this crap....the only people we are truly hurting in all this are the people we often forget are around us....our KIDS. I work with teenage girls, they are not dumb. They have access to the internet, they see these as well. They see the neurotic tendencies all these women create for themselves. They are obsessed with putting on make-up (hhmmm I wonder why), they feel bad about the way they look more than we do. They make-up a large portion of the vulnerable in our society looking for guidance. They do not get asked to be put in living situations that they find themselves a part of. The do not ask to be our children. We are charged with giving them the confidence they need to succeed in the world. When we are more concerned with spouting our own bullshit, and how we look, we ignore the grayness of the world around us. As a woman, I am going to keep on doing what I am doing, because I like it. I like going to yoga sculpt with one of my most cherished friends, and going out after drinking a bottle of wine and have an amazingly rich dinner out (because that is what our Wednesday's are about, not the work out, not how we look, but how we feel). If that creates a few dimples in my ass then so be it. I am also going to work on encouraging friends to change if they are not comfortable with who they are, and if they are comfortable, then we better have a damn good time in our swimsuits regardless of who is around, because I could give a rats ass what you all look like. I am also going to be a good roll model for the teenage girls I am around. Because someone needs to calm the hell down about weight and do it. See the real issues. I am going to model the confidence I wish so badly to see in them. Because lord knows, they mimic us, neurotic tendencies and all. We owe it to them to share the truths about what we do know, and as long as you are confident and healthy you do not need to project your ideas about weight on anyone else. We can all "just be us" together.
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