Me

Me

Friday, May 17, 2019

In Fear

It has been a strange few weeks in a strange few years. Liverpool is in the Champions League Final, the Milwaukee Bucks keep winning, and the weather is getting warmer, yet my heart and soul are having a hard time with the constant shredding of humanity. And I keep thinking, everyday, every hour, and minute...what am I feeling and why? I spent ten minutes with a child or animal and their presence enough is a soothing balm against the barrage of assault committed by the adults in this world. Let me get less wordy about this, there are very few adult human beings who can explain themselves these days without being ugly, shallow, spiteful, hateful. I think the most disappointing thing is that most people do not even realize they are doing this, and the worst, are those that do and just do not care.

It is a sad time to be a woman. That comment alone will get the same parade of men from my social media feed from a certain age calling me "crazy" (they always do and I know who they are going to be, and its tiresome but I feel sad for them) ironically not realizing they are proving my point, but that is besides the point I am trying to make. It feels like I want to say something about this, like I NEED to say something about this. I am confused about the debate. And I am confused about the debate because its not even about the debate anymore. I am confused about the feelings and motivation of others and that is it, isn't it? Some of the things people I know saying and doing things and believing certain things....I am confused and it is not even the debate anymore. I don't understand how we can value women so little that we have zero trust in them. It is not even just women. It is hard for me to fathom on an everyday basis how many people out there who are coming from a place of fear, anger, hatred, jealousy, ugliness,MISUNDERSTANDING, and lack of care when it comes to dealing with and forming perceptions about other people. And, I will admit...that is not the kind of person I am or ever will be. I get that my motivations in dealing with others it totally different than everyone else in this world, it is the only thing we have. We get to determine our motivation, we get to wake up everyday and chose how we are going to think of this world and people in it. For all the whining I did growing up, for all the frustration I have towards poor driving skills, and for all my faults, when it comes to people, I am strangely positive and there are a lot more people like that out there and I wish we made more of an impact. But, these past few weeks I have come to realize we don't and we won't. It is more in our nature to have an interaction or meet new friends on the street than it is to create or share a meme disparaging a group of people.

My frustration and confusion lies in the very belief, and one that I feel down to my core that WE CAN BE BETTER. Most situations in this world are nuanced, nuanced down to the very essence of how it effects the greater world at large. Not all women who get abortions are sluts, nor do all women who get them want them. Not all Muslims are terrorist and not all Christians are determined to press their beliefs on others. Not all asylum seekers are looking for a free ride and not all immigrants are trying to take advantage of a "benevolent" nation. Listen, I get it. It is easiest to just believe what we believe and further, to simplify it. It is hard to think about things we cannot control, it is hard to think about things that make us uncomfortable, it is hard to think about things that make our hearts hurt and our eyes weep, especially when it is a circumstance we cannot control. And that last part, the part about control? That is the key. Our motivations, feelings, thoughts...those are about the only things we can 100% control. We should be able to control the fact that 11 year children should not be raped....yet we can't. We should be able to control the fact that there are starving children all over this world who are oppressed and tortured and need saving, but we can't. There is all this other horrifying bad stuff going on in our country and outside of it, but we CANNOT control any of it and the really scary thing is that someday all these things could have a direct effect on us. So we don't think about it, we pretend it doesn't happen, and by the time we are confronted with it, any of it, all of it, we have long ago decided it does not fit into our world view. We create giant mental walls that are harder to break down than any tangible building material in real life. We create this idea that because it doesn't fit inside the mental walls, ergo it is a one off, or it's not true, or and here is this kicker, that there is no more room for any of the nuances that perpetuate our daily lives. We think that will protect us, there is no room. But, when there is no more room for nuance, there is no more room for understanding, or compassion, much less empathy. Hence, my heart and soul are shredded, everyday. Everyday we practice hate, and ugliness, and shallowness because it is the easy way out. It is the cop out of our soul and it is twisted justification meant to bolster our ideas of safety and morality, no matter how messed up, dangerous, or just plain off they are. So many things in life just plain hurt, why are we determined to perpetuate the cycle? Avoidance do not and never will stave off hurt. Why are we so desperate to see everyone and every situation in the worst light possible, coming from the most darkest and negative places? Let us start by assuming the next person you see on the street as being a good person, a person who might need help, but a good person none-the-less. No matter the skin color, religion, or gender. That person is most likely an amazing person deep down, for the most part we all are as well. Extend that courtesy outward.