Someone to always Remember

     Today Maya Angelou died. Not only was an American icon lost, but an incredible person who brought hope and courage to many will never pick up another pen or sooth an audience with the sound of her voice and sage wisdom. It is a sad, yet beautiful spring day full of abundance, re-birth, and conviction, similar to many of Ms. Angelou's works and quotes. Yet, the appearance of the sun cannot heal the mournful nature of the day alone, nor grasp the life so lived in fullness as hers. Maya Angelou is irreplaceable. Sadly, she was remained one of the last peaceful mentors of our world who could move seamlessly from one group of people to the next. She transcended politics, petty words and remained confident in the face of adversity. Most importantly, above all, she championed diversity.
    
   The definition of diversity, according to Merriam-Webster is as follows;

: the quality or state of having many different forms, types, ideas, etc.

: the state of having people who are different races or who have different cultures in a group or organization

     For Maya Angelou diversity was something to be embraced, "In diversity there is beauty and there is strength."  The profound empathy this single quote musters inside amazes me. It also saddens me. I am sad because we needed Maya Angelou to live forever. In a world so hounded by hate, vengeance and greed it has become something of an anomaly to have such a profound voice as hers. In a world where we find it impossible to forgive or accept, her calm demeanor will be sorely missed. Lastly, in a world where we find it so hard to put into words anything meaningful, positive, or loving about someone different, Maya Angelou's grace and intelligence desperately needs to be remembered. 

      In honor of  Ms. Angelou lets embrace diversity. Lets find it in our heart to accept different people, different ideas, and different things in general. Accept them for who they are, what they are, and what they represent. Lets figure out a way to work together again without anger and accept the challenge of coming to productive solutions. We are a country of diversity, we are a world of diversity. It is nothing to fear. When we fear the truth we close ourselves off from all the beauty that is around us. With news of this sad passing, with the loss of another great one, we will always remember her brightness.

I Am Woman Hear Me....Criticize That B***h In The Corner

   I am a girls girl. I love my ladies and have a hard time believing other women when they say, "I just do not get a long with most girls." That statement is usually followed up by a shot, a beer and a long hug, because, like I said, I just feel like that is not true. The more life, work, and just general experiences that come with time, increases my will to believe that that certain sentiment just cannot be true. Women have needed each other through the centuries and it is clear today is no different. Just because we have made some progress in our society, it is still abundantly obvious that women in our society are still not on the same level playing field as men. In light of the ouster of Jill Abramson, the executive editor of The New York Times, as a response to her demand for comparable wage to her predecessor, it serves as evidence at how little we have actually come.
    In my early through mid-twenties, I had a hard time believing that sexism actually existed. I found it laughable when I heard the media talk about it, or when other women discussed it. But, it was always there and still remains. When I think about sexisms prevalence it sadly just feels so ingrained into our society. So how can we overcome this, if we can ever overcome it? Where does the problem start and where can it end?
     Thinking about the origins of where we place women in our society, and around the world for that matter, without this becoming a discussion on religion, is clear. There have been women throughout history who have bravely battled the inherent nature of theocratic and dogmatic cowards who believed that a woman's only role was to do as man demands. The manifestation of these ideas are still practiced today. As a volleyball coach, I used to look across the gym at large tournaments, men dominated as coaches of the elite teams, just like in athletics everywhere, despite the teams being ladies teams, and that is not to say women are incapable of coaching men's teams. They are capable, it just as stated, we have trouble coaching out own teams. Now as involved as I am in the sailing world, I am forever flabbergasted at the anachronistic "boys clubs" so many racing programs perpetuate, from small to large boats. I will preface with the fact that I myself am not a great racer, but I know some phenomenal, accomplished female racers who are always over-looked for the important decision making positions (even though they are clearly the best sailor on the boat) or looked over all together purely because they are women. Usually, they are passed over for frumpy, nonathletic, out-of-shape good ol' boys who do not know the bow from their ass. But, the can tell dirty jokes, drink a beer, smoke a cigar, and they clearly know their place in the pecking order.
      What is really ironic, is looking back of some of previous jobs, men were always hired in undeserved positions or given undeserved promotions. Granted it was mostly in the construction field (though service industry definitely has its moments), a place where misogyny is applauded, I was in a better position, did more for my company and excelled, yet when I got together with my counterparts from different organizations, their salary was always higher than mine. Regardless of the fact that we were of similar age, experience, or responsibility level. I can totally empathize with how Jill Abramson, and all the other women out there feel. And what for? So incompetence can rule the day? But only if that incompetence comes in the form of a penis?
     Anther unhelpful sideshow to our lives is the behavior of women towards other women. Somewhere along the way, we got this idea that if we act like assholes to one another we can move up in the world, or something along those lines. So not we have 14 year old girls hitting each other in the heads with shovels, and Real Housewives of a Planet the does not Exist display the same behavior as dog packs trying to establish dominance. Women sabotaging other women's careers, relationships, or families has become common place. The world is a horrible place for women, yet some of our biggest oppressors are other women. Some of the lowest blows levelled against women are from other women, i.e, the ever present and nauseating Mommy Wars, the ever present and nauseating Religious Wars. The fact remains that we have unique opportunities to uplift one another in this world, yet too many times we are burying each other further below. For what? A brief moment of glory that will not last because what you did will also happen to you.
     Furthermore, violence against women, especially our young women is absolutely rampant and grotesque, with many of the perpetrators walking away with little more than a slap on the wrist. This should absolutely rile us up, yet many women resort to slut shaming and damning the victim. For this I have no words. It is unacceptable for a woman to have to put up with unwanted attention, molestation or assault, regardless of what she happens to be wearing or how much she has been drinkings. Period. We, women, need to be the first line of defense against this and we need to be the first make sure the ahole is punished accordingly despite their status as an athlete, musician, heir, or "artist."
    Sometimes, our lack of self-confidence seemingly fuels our need to lash out at other women or disconnect. We cannot let others define our sense of worth. Hollywood does not matter, the fashion industry does not matter, men do not matter. Our value as a person lies in how we treat others because in the end that is really the only thing that can be measured. I really do think a huge boost for all women kind relies heavily on how we treat each other. If we cannot treat one another with respect, then why in the world would men ever start treating us with respect?

Always Confused

   So to lay it all out on the table, I am a 31 year old married woman with no kids. As you can probably imagine my husband and I are always deflecting the inevitable nosy questions, "When are you guys having kids?" How do you tell people, right now at this point, you have no idea? That the question nags at you and nags at you. Right now, I feel like I would be fine not having kids, but then, what if I regret it like everyone says. It is something I seriously obsess about. Is there something wrong with me because I do not have "baby fever," especially in our baby obsessed culture today. Not only am I never sure, I am also apparently alienating myself from a very important group of people, not because I want to at all, but I guess because they just do not have time for sad, old pathetic, childless moi. Luckily, I am not navigating these issues alone. There are a few friends of mine in the same boat and ironically, I sat down with one of my closets, in a boat, last Saturday to discuss the issue.
     Like me she is married and on her way to 31, like me she is very active and very apprehensive about kids. To make clear it is not like either of us dislike children, it is just that apparently when we do have them, we have to give up everything that makes us, well us. It might seem selfish to those who are already mothers, and I do not need a speech about how I just don't get it, I get that I just do not get it. I am 31 and have been with my husband since 22, it  has been 9 years of telling me, I just do not get it. But, for the lack of "baby fever," I do get it. I get that every time one of my friends tells me she is expecting, I am unabashedly elated for them 99% of the time, but there is 1% of me who scared that I will lose my friendship. Yes, again, I get it, it sounds selfish, just let me finish. (And no, I can honestly say I do get to see my friends with kids an awful lot, even the ones with multiple little ones, in fact I get to spend the whole weekend with one soon!) I just want to explain to you, from the standpoint of a childless friend, how I want to help you bet the best that you can be all the time. Because I think the blog link below sucks.
    I take my friendships very seriously. I do not have a lot of achievements in life, very few to be exact. I am not great at things that I do, but, there are three things I am most proud of. The first is my husband, I did snag a good one. The second is my tight knit family, I know not everyone is fortunate enough to have that, which is why my third thing is my friends. I take pride in my friends, I think they are pretty great people. I try my hardest and best to do everything for them that they need or want. Like I said, it is one of the things I am most proud of, which is why I hate this blog from the Huffington Post that is floating around. (I guess I would "get it" if I were a mother though ha ha)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christine-skoutelas/once-we-become-parents-we-dont-want-to-hang-out-with-you-anymore-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-think_b_5270148.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037
    So let me explain why I hate it, and why as a friend to many mothers what I can offer to do to help you. It also makes me feel bad for wanting to continue a relationship with you, like how can I be so stupid? As my other childless friend and I discussed it, it just added to our complete unease at having kids. Not only does this author make parenting sound like hell, it seems either she has really needy friends, or doesn't realize that maybe her friends want to help her out.
     So, check me out. I would love to come over and watch your kid for you while you shower, sleep, clean your house, get your hair cut, cook dinner, etc...I might not have kids but I am not incompetent with them. I get that you cannot go out, so lets get together at your place, or hell if you want to go out, bring your baby or kids. I have had plenty of breakfasts, lunches and dinners with my sisters' or friends' kids. Guess what, I can help you help them. I do not expect my "mommy" friends (and boy do I hate that term...if I do have a kid, it will only call me mommy once)  to just pop out for happy hour, contribute to all day Sunday Funday brunches or anything of the such, I am not sure anyone would expect that, and if they do then they are not good friends. But, if I care enough about you and love you, like I do all of my friends, then let me help you and realize that your kid is probably just as important to me as you are.
        This is why this article in particular annoys me. At one point she states, "The demands of the social calendar scare us. If we're going to fit in time to actually see another human being, it's usually someone who can give us the most bang for our buck: a workout buddy or someone to chat with during a playdate, or, rarely, a meet-up with a pal who can completely de-stress us, who is totally on board with our entire excursion being completed within a 30- to 45-minute window. We do not have the time or energy for idle lingering." This statement is heart wrenching, and no I do not feel like I am being selfish, that hurt. I guess I always thought my time with friends was more than just "idle lingering." I know parents are tired, hell I babysit, it is more tiring than a 12 hour serving shift where the dining rush never ends. I know that kids are on a schedule at best, unpredictable at worst, but let me help you in anyway possible. That is what friends do. Like that old proverb, it takes a village. So in closing, I will leave you with what I feel is a better blog post that explains the plight of the non-parent, from a parent. I have a ton of empathy for this guy, at least he knows I am not trying to compete for attention with his kid. If children are in my future, I hope I can be more like him and less like Christine Skoutelas.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-kinnear/5-things-parents-need-to-stop-saying-to-non-parents_b_3573670.html

    And if you do not have time to read it, I will also leave you with the most important idea of his blog..which yes, made me tear up. "Look, I know this feeling. Sometimes it feels like all the worries I had before my kids were trivial. I understand the urge to convey that feeling into words. Don't do it. Your life may have a different purpose now, but your pre-kid life was an important part of your story, and your non-kid-having friends are a part of that. Don't dismiss that part of your life the way most people skip the foreword to a novel they really want to read. By dismissing the "before" as just a buildup to your kids, you are not only dismissing your friends, but you're also implying that their story has not started yet." Just remember friends that I always want to be a part of your lives, I want your kids to be explaining to their friends at their high school graduations that I am just their mom's crazy friend....Aunt Shannon who will leave a better present than anyone else.