The Fine Line

     A few years back a letter started being passed around Facebook that was apparently addressed to and answered by Mike Rowe. Everyone went nuts about his advice, passing along this letter sagely agreeing with, "How true it was." And, "What great advice." Furthermore it had the makings of a conservative wet dream but, that is besides the point. The advice he gave in the letter to a young man unsure about what he should do with his life had everyone hot and bothered. What he said was simple, get a job, any job and work hard. A simple American answer. Very puritan, very thorough, very to the point. And total utter bullshit. Apparently Mike Rowe has not had to navigate our world of employment. You know the one we mortals have to slosh through.

    I am not saying this as a simpering, entitled millennial. I am not saying this because I believe everyone should chase their dreams. (Though I know people who have taken that route and the world would be a worse place if they had not.) And I certainly am not saying this because I sincerely believe my place in the world is higher than that. I am saying it because that mentality simply does not and will not work in our modern day workplace. There are steps you have to take, people you have to meet, things you have to do in order to simply just survive in America's workplace economy. I am saying this from experience. I am saying this from the 23 year old girl who did just what Mike Rowe said to do. I went out and got a job, any job. I dove into the rat race head first and ready to work and work I did. Hard. Where did it get me at 33? An "unmarketable" position for myself in the traditional job market, that is where it got me. You see those steps that I talked about above? They are there for a reason, despite being good or bad or right or wrong. They are there to make it easier to simply judge you. That is all this is about, being able to judge you . Like that scene in Half Baked, "F%$k you, F%$k you, you're cool..." If you do not know what you want to do with your life and you dive into a career that does not work out, work for a boss who is truly a crook or a poor businessman (my experience and apparently giant black stains on my resume) or simply have a different desire or dream you most likely are forfeiting any chance to move into another industry without having to totally start over, like moving 10 feet back, or have the ability to move at all. Unless of course, you know a unicorn. You know, a magical being that can "pass along your resume" so that someone actually reads it, or furthermore can actually get someone to have a human conversation with you.

     It seems very few people these days want to look past your veneer to see the substance you are made of, much less give you an actual chance. Your heart, soul, and brain do not matter, those are not easily quantifiable. You must come equipped immediately to do the job at hand. That is why they ask you what you are "qualified" for. Unless you need a license to do you job, like a teacher, a doctor, a lawyer, if you are in a position where you could do severe damage I understand the qualification part, but what the hell does that even mean? I think I am qualified for whatever I want to be. I am not an idiot, I know a lot of thing, how to do a lot of things and furthermore I have taught myself a majority of it. So if I am not trying to get job doing brain surgery or building a computer, what the hell do I have to be qualified in? If you did not complete steps 1, 2, AND 3 then you do not stand a chance. It does not matter how amazing you are at 1 and 3 if you missed 2, no time will be taken to decipher if you possess the character to master 2, hell 2 could even be a latent talent just waiting for discovery. Mike Rowe's advice was bad. He sent that young man forward in his life to whittle away at working for someone else, at the mercy of someone else and I pray to whatever being is out there that the young man was lucky enough to chose a good employer. I hope he was lucky enough to choose something he could live with for the next 55 years. I hope because he just went out and got a job, that he is not deemed worthless someday when he is trying to make his way in this world when he maybe looking for another one.

    I say this with all the anger of a 33 year old, who finds herself further behind than her 23 year old self. Who is now answering questions online for people who refuse to find the knowledge for themselves because so far, apparently that is all I am qualified for. I wish we could stop this notion that people are only valuable if they possess something so concrete its value pools on the paper it is typed on like it is catching raining gold. Our false economy is dangerous enough in over-valuation of things that really are not that essential to our being. That it is such a burden to actually look at a person and not a piece of paper, or worse yet, just put that piece of paper into a computer that spits it out as reject because it lacks a few "key words." That being a good bullshitter is rewarded more than hard work. I put my time in and still am, I have been working since the age of 11 actually, but none of that matters Mike Rowe, does it. It does not matter how hard we work everything is still at the mercy of they system and our employers, because again it is a surface quantifier that is easily judge-able. That is all that matters isn't it. So next time someone is asking you for career advice Mr. Rowe, think about how the job market really operates. Think about the processes everyone has to go through before you tell someone to blindly just go an get a job. You are putting them in survival mode and they will never break free from it. I have been over a decade in survival mode, I am mostly okay in the mode because I am lucky enough to realize there is more to life than work. There is living. While everyone around me is "thriving in the career world" I am still only surviving, pray tell, how can one get out of that whole? Do I just dive blindly into another trap we like to call a "job"? Or do I actually deserve to think of myself as worthy of doing something different if actually given a chance? Because god forbid we do not conform.

My Best Friend

    Let me tell you all a little bit about my best friend. She is tall, lean, and blonde, a lot like me actually :) When we run we pretty much have the same gate and I can hear people making fun of us in the park. But, I do not mind, I think it is a compliment and we run past them with our heads held high. My best friend is probably the fastest runner that I know and I know for a fact that she is the best and craziest swimmer. It is hard keeping her out of the water even on a day like today when it is only 20 degrees Fahrenheit outside. The girl knows no fear which can be good but can also be bad and that is the point of my post today. Because I know a lot of us who have similar best friends and even though they can see in the dark or smell something miles away, they still need us. You see, my best friend is not some lunatic super hero, she is simply my dog.

        If you follow me on Facebook, you know my missives/rants about our day to day struggles. Not the normal dog struggles. We rescued her from Safe Harbor Humane Society when she was almost  a year old. She never went to the bathroom in the house, and save a few issues with my socks and underwear (not Ed's just mine of course) she has not chewed on anything other than her toys and a random Nine West 4" heel bootie that was covered in sausage juice but that's a story for another day. She counter surfs a little (OKAY A LOT!) and knows the location of her doggie or cat friends' food in everyone's house she has ever been to. But, all and all she is and continues to be amazing, except for one thing. I used to think this one thing was her problem, but the older she gets (going on 8) and the more I see her interact with other dogs and people I am convinced she might not be the whole part of the issue. You see, she is a giant bitchy snob and when your dog shoves his/her nose up her ass, she is going to bite the creature and not let go. And no, I do not really disagree with her on that one. 

       I am not going to sit here an anthropomorphize her, she is a dog and she acts like one. I am also not going to sit here and say she is perfect. No one is. But what I will say is that when she was a puppy she might not have been as socialized as she could have been. So with some steady work, she now is pretty great with a majority of dogs, even little Piper who fits inside my boots. I completely trust her around puppies because despite all of their annoying-ness, she is very patient with them. She still has her issues when a strange dog runs up to her, especially when she is on leash and double especially when her owners are around or another dog friend. Which is why she is on a leash and why I feel the need to write this post. Despite her looking like this most of the time, when she feels threatened it can get serious. And a majority of the time it is because the other owner and their dog is oblivious to true animal nature.

 

         Despite her fantastic behavior, her ability to humor me when I am trying to get her to say, "I love you," she is still a dog. When I think about her behavior it resembles a toddler who can run way faster and bite way harder than any human toddler can. Just like a human toddler, because she cannot reason, or control her instincts sometimes, Ed and I need to guide her. That is the point of being a dog owner and dogs need guidance. We keep her safe and it is your job to keep your dog safe. Allowing your dog to run up to other dogs is not safe. Off-leash dogs (or the retractable leash owners, though I think all of those need to be burned) need to stay close to their humans and disinterested in other animals to a point where their safety is never jeopardized. We seem incapable of that, at least in my neighborhood there is a majority that is incapable of it. I am not sure where people got the idea that dogs are friendly and know dog behavior when they run up to each other like the super happy stoner who thinks everyone is their friend. I grew up on a farm and that is atypical behavior for any animal, wild and domesticated alike. 

        What bothers me is the oblivious nature so many dog owners have regarding this subject. My dog wears a gentle leader so I can control her, though I can without one as well. We are fit enough to pick her up one handed or two despite her 65 pounds and we will do everything to protect your dog if we can since too many dog owners these days can't be bothered to do that. One of my friends uses a harness on her dog and others use a special collar. There is a lady who lives a few blocks away, last week I thought her two Weimaraners were going to drag her across the street on normal collars and leases as they barked insistently at Laina and I walking past them on the sidewalk across the street. That lady could not control them, could not guide them, yet she had two. My dog was at risk, her dogs were at risk. Or the people who live behind us with a black standard poodle, who runs up to my dog as we are running down the street. Or my idiot neighbor who lets his dogs roam around in my yard and allows his two little ones to attack my 65 pound berserker. I can't let her out to protect them, because once again, their human is not. So my dog has to suffer and wait for them to leave our yard before she can be let out.

        My point is, Laina is just a dog. All dogs are just dogs. Left to her own devices, she would survive longer than most of her counterparts no doubt, but not very long. We have bred most of the intelligence and survival instincts out of our dogs. They are not equipped, unless a farm dog left to his own devices most of the time, to deal with situations where their instinct takes over. So please, don't make me over-leash my dog, don't make me have to cross the street, don't make me the one shooing (and by shooing I mean flailing my 34 inch inseams at them) away dog chasing us down the street on our run. Guide your dogs like you would your toddler. They might love the hell out of us, but they just do not know any better. Your dog relies on you for their safety, if you cannot provide that, then do not get a dog. And for God's sake, lets start teaching our dogs some manners because as much as I hate getting groped by a creep on a night out, my dog does as well. There is a whole entire protocol to dogs meeting that does not include storming up to another dog like some fan-girl to Justin Beiber. Don't make me bounce your dog out of there-

The Life Factor

     Trying to put into words how you feel sometimes can be difficult. Sometimes it is not always about finding the words, but trying to summon up the courage to put yourself out there. Then combine all that while trying to get it just right is daunting. But, despite the natural perils of writing about yourself and admitting to failure, it just feels like the right time. So, this morning as I read an article about confidence it dawned on me that not only is it my problem, it might be an issue for so many people. One thing I realized is that confidence comes in so many forms and unfortunately it is tied to so many factors beyond our control that it is impossible, nay unreasonable, to rely on this as a factor in how we see ourselves. And, if you are like me and find yourself in the middle of an unfortunate setback (i.e., I am unemployed again, despite years of my best efforts to avoid this and I am rapidly loosing places in my fantasy soccer league, but that is neither here nor there) I think falling back on how you see yourself is more important than any outside factor in gaining confidence and let me tell you why. 
      
       I so desperately want us as a species to look at each other as the total parts of a whole entire life. Family, friends, partners or significant others, the body and mind, how we treat each other and what kind of sacrifices we have had to make. All of these are the things that define us, not how much we make and what we buy with it. So lets say we are knocking it out of the park in all of that. But your chosen profession is not "highly regarded" of you just don't make as much money as Joe Schmoe, so you feel down. Like a failure and pretty soon the confidence drains. Which is my main case in point, we as Americans put so much emphasis on what we do professionally that it is cringe-worthy to sit at a party with people you barely know because its the one thing everyone asks, "So what do you do?" Then we make this horrible snap judgment against a person from that one tiny aspect, or what should be the one tiny aspect of their life. Some of the most talented women and men I know are out chasing their dreams and right now it doesn't sound impressive to someone who wants a concrete answer here and now. It is not interesting that one might be a stay at home mother despite that being their dream job, or a bartender trying to save up for their own place. Unfortunately for us as human beings we now have a hard time connecting with people and if that easy first connection or interest is not there we move on. "What can you do for me, oh nothing, move along." And this does not make anyone feel good.

         It happens to me and it pains me greatly. No one asks, what have I done, where have I been, what is my life philosophy. (And if they asked that last one I might drop dead of a heart attack.) It is, "So what do you do." Aside from not doing much right now, I am pained to admit that despite my short stint as a TA and when I was a server, I have had a string of un-fulfilling jobs with horrible endings that have had to more to do with the shortcomings of others than myself. It pains me even more to be judged on that and that alone because it is just not who I am or who I ever have been. On my resume no one cares that I worked my way through college and haven't lived at home since the age of 18. No one cares that I took a chance and moved a fair distance away and survived. No one cares that I have a masters degree and that I actually finished it on time (2 years) while working 2 jobs. No cares that I have traveled alone to another country, or that I work out everyday and care about my health. No one cares that I know how to cook or that I love my friends and family with ferocity. That I volunteer on different committees and spend a lot of time doing that. Because we do not judge people by their sacrifices and choices, we judge them by the tangible items in our lives, such as jobs, material goods and societal position. That is recipe for confidence issues if I have ever seen one. So many people out there are doing so many amazing things, yet they feel the need to explain them away because our society does not deem them as ambitious, or successful.  

          We are all guilty of this and it is why so many people feel left out, angry, or like a failure. What we define as success should be something we can stand ourselves being judged by. Whether you are a working mother keeping your family alive, or the person just trying to figure out your next move. The first thing we need to do is get our own confidence from within. Just like we cannot rely on others to make us happy, we can never rely on others for making us feel like we are worthy or important. What have you overcome that others maybe have not that makes you unique? What has driven your sacrifices and why? What have you learned from failure or poor decision? These little things that we want to believe are insignificant just are not. They are the threads that weave us together. Life feels so unfair in so many moments but how we overcome that is more descriptive of who we are than how much money one makes in a year.

          Without the confidence to own ourselves, accept our failures, move on and revel in our triumphs because we will never have it all. Mostly because "having it all" is a subjective term and your having it all is different than another's and it is high time we accept that this is a possibility in our country. That our society and culture starts getting past the plastic conformity that creates a false comfort, that veneer of perfection and actually get down to the substance of who each of us really is. It does require that we have an open heart and expect the good out of everyone. We, by happenstance, were placed where we started and it is everything in between that should give us the confidence to move forward and know that we are valued, that we have something to offer and never count anyone as out of the game. You know what you have done, only you know your journey so, proudly stand by it and let that be your guide to confidence. It is not easy but it is the path we are forced to take and we are all on it. So, just wave and smile to each other-