The Life Factor

     Trying to put into words how you feel sometimes can be difficult. Sometimes it is not always about finding the words, but trying to summon up the courage to put yourself out there. Then combine all that while trying to get it just right is daunting. But, despite the natural perils of writing about yourself and admitting to failure, it just feels like the right time. So, this morning as I read an article about confidence it dawned on me that not only is it my problem, it might be an issue for so many people. One thing I realized is that confidence comes in so many forms and unfortunately it is tied to so many factors beyond our control that it is impossible, nay unreasonable, to rely on this as a factor in how we see ourselves. And, if you are like me and find yourself in the middle of an unfortunate setback (i.e., I am unemployed again, despite years of my best efforts to avoid this and I am rapidly loosing places in my fantasy soccer league, but that is neither here nor there) I think falling back on how you see yourself is more important than any outside factor in gaining confidence and let me tell you why. 
      
       I so desperately want us as a species to look at each other as the total parts of a whole entire life. Family, friends, partners or significant others, the body and mind, how we treat each other and what kind of sacrifices we have had to make. All of these are the things that define us, not how much we make and what we buy with it. So lets say we are knocking it out of the park in all of that. But your chosen profession is not "highly regarded" of you just don't make as much money as Joe Schmoe, so you feel down. Like a failure and pretty soon the confidence drains. Which is my main case in point, we as Americans put so much emphasis on what we do professionally that it is cringe-worthy to sit at a party with people you barely know because its the one thing everyone asks, "So what do you do?" Then we make this horrible snap judgment against a person from that one tiny aspect, or what should be the one tiny aspect of their life. Some of the most talented women and men I know are out chasing their dreams and right now it doesn't sound impressive to someone who wants a concrete answer here and now. It is not interesting that one might be a stay at home mother despite that being their dream job, or a bartender trying to save up for their own place. Unfortunately for us as human beings we now have a hard time connecting with people and if that easy first connection or interest is not there we move on. "What can you do for me, oh nothing, move along." And this does not make anyone feel good.

         It happens to me and it pains me greatly. No one asks, what have I done, where have I been, what is my life philosophy. (And if they asked that last one I might drop dead of a heart attack.) It is, "So what do you do." Aside from not doing much right now, I am pained to admit that despite my short stint as a TA and when I was a server, I have had a string of un-fulfilling jobs with horrible endings that have had to more to do with the shortcomings of others than myself. It pains me even more to be judged on that and that alone because it is just not who I am or who I ever have been. On my resume no one cares that I worked my way through college and haven't lived at home since the age of 18. No one cares that I took a chance and moved a fair distance away and survived. No one cares that I have a masters degree and that I actually finished it on time (2 years) while working 2 jobs. No cares that I have traveled alone to another country, or that I work out everyday and care about my health. No one cares that I know how to cook or that I love my friends and family with ferocity. That I volunteer on different committees and spend a lot of time doing that. Because we do not judge people by their sacrifices and choices, we judge them by the tangible items in our lives, such as jobs, material goods and societal position. That is recipe for confidence issues if I have ever seen one. So many people out there are doing so many amazing things, yet they feel the need to explain them away because our society does not deem them as ambitious, or successful.  

          We are all guilty of this and it is why so many people feel left out, angry, or like a failure. What we define as success should be something we can stand ourselves being judged by. Whether you are a working mother keeping your family alive, or the person just trying to figure out your next move. The first thing we need to do is get our own confidence from within. Just like we cannot rely on others to make us happy, we can never rely on others for making us feel like we are worthy or important. What have you overcome that others maybe have not that makes you unique? What has driven your sacrifices and why? What have you learned from failure or poor decision? These little things that we want to believe are insignificant just are not. They are the threads that weave us together. Life feels so unfair in so many moments but how we overcome that is more descriptive of who we are than how much money one makes in a year.

          Without the confidence to own ourselves, accept our failures, move on and revel in our triumphs because we will never have it all. Mostly because "having it all" is a subjective term and your having it all is different than another's and it is high time we accept that this is a possibility in our country. That our society and culture starts getting past the plastic conformity that creates a false comfort, that veneer of perfection and actually get down to the substance of who each of us really is. It does require that we have an open heart and expect the good out of everyone. We, by happenstance, were placed where we started and it is everything in between that should give us the confidence to move forward and know that we are valued, that we have something to offer and never count anyone as out of the game. You know what you have done, only you know your journey so, proudly stand by it and let that be your guide to confidence. It is not easy but it is the path we are forced to take and we are all on it. So, just wave and smile to each other-