I have been having a hard time figuring out what to write about lately as I have been stuck in a rut of paralyzing indecision. It is not that I have some great decisions to make or choose from, but there is nothing to decide really. Just where to go from here. With a nonexistent career, staying at "jobs" for me is begins to feel like just killing time, until......until what? And OMG I know, Mike Rowe would tell me to suck it up and get a job as stripper because he is a GOD that knows everything about jobs and work will set you free! Wait a minute....too soon. (I get it, I read his letter to someone who, gasp!! had the audacity to want more from life than getting up and going to a job to kill time until said person dies) But I for one am starting to resent the paradigm, constantly represented and regurgitated, that we are supposed to live by. The one where nothing makes any sense anymore. At least to me, someone who is anything but successful because damn it, apparently I have done a lot of things wrong. Especially the order of importance I place on that of which I value. My husband, family, friends, and experiences, my first four.
What I have figured out during these years of indecision, we shall call these my lost years in the weeds with no sun or moon to guide, is the paradox I find myself in. Namely the inability to find a balance between wanting more out of this world and figuring out how to get it, and being thankful for what I have, as to not upset some jenga like balance of life sending everything crashing down in some karmic way as a result of "wanting" too much. I mean when it comes down to it, that is what it boils down to. Right? Unless I am the only one in the world who you know, "doesn't have it all" or have it "all figured out." Isn't that how the self-help ideas work while our judgey judgey advice ridden selves tell each other to be grateful and happy. So it seems some people get everything because they are entitled to it, some clearly flounder, some check out into their own blissful Neverland (something I desperately try for) or those of us who wander blindly searching for something, anything that rekindles some sort of spark of meaningful desire in our souls. (Though with the Kardashians on the world rampage and killing it along with any "Real Housewife", my spark probably no longer exists) So, to be honest, which face it we are rarely honest with each other, (we would not be able to dole out our sage advice on a daily basis if we were) I find myself stuck and void of any inertia moving me in any direction and all the wisdom out there, all the "guidance" all the "advice" absolutely sucks!
There is a multitude contributing to my "problems," I get that. It includes every decision I have made since the age of 16. It is crazy, part of the paradigm that is forced onto us from those "in the know" is that to find peace and mindfulness in the present we have to let go of the past. What a bunch of malarkey, I have a masters degree in history. I can tell you 100% of our problems today are literally a direct result of ghosts from the past. In addition, this notion is usually accompanied by the belief that we must always be happy, optimistic, and grateful. We are not allowed bad days, much less bad years. If you are having trouble, here, smear this oil all over yourself, do some meditation, eat a kale smoothie in the lotus position and poof, you will be grinning from ear to eat. Unless you are telling me to bath in cannabis oil, or take THC vitamins, if I am feeling down or disheartened, those will be the only thing making me grin in gratitude from ear to ear. Woah Debby Downer you say (No offense to the happiest Deb Deb that I know). It is just rarely conducive for us to listen to those who might need to vent or be comforted, it totally chills our own mellow, not to mention it is not efficient or lucrative to spend our time on others. So here, take my favorite oil, vita-mix, and Kelly Clarkson CD go away and grin and bear it like the rest of us WASPy, rugged, individualistic Americans.
Everyday, on any given day if you are so inclined to search information about the goings on of the world, i.e, NPR, or new sites, there are articles, blog posts, Facebook posts, and the like doling out advice. Contrary advice, but "advice" none the less. We humans seem to have arrived at the belief that we know things, important things about everything and little things and things that concern other people, but things in general everywhere. Lean in, lean out. Take what is yours, but alas be meek, humble and grateful for what you have. Be thin, be fat, be fit, real women have curves, but over all love you body. Eat this, don't eat this, drink this, but only on one foot with your right eye closed because if it is not you will get cancer and die. We are freaks of nature when it comes to our own personal wealth of knowledge. I am in complete wonder that so many people have so many things figured out about life, that they no longer have to take a second and self-reflect or ever second guess themselves. We are literally becoming the perfectly posed pictures we are so eager for the world to see. When bad looms, we simply close our eyes like a child playing hide and seek. If we cannot see it, it does not exist.
To be clear, I do not want to check out of life and retreat into a bubble because it is emotionally and certainly mentally easier. Many people do that, and if you have to for self preservation then no one should stop you. But, I don't want to do that. I love people, and reading, and drinking wine, and going different places, exploring and mining for new pieces of knowledge that might help me figure out my own puzzle. Because the older I get the more I realize how little I actually know about anything. I also do not want to bulldoze a path to get what is mine, without being certain that it is mine in the first place. Much less what I really want, not what I think I want because that it is what I am told to want everyday by people who know about as much as Jon Snow (Season 2 Jon Snow). I just want to be. I want to be, without feeling like I am failing, or missing out on the "thing." I want to be and I want that to be worth something in our society because I want everyone to just be. I want that to be important for us and humanity, not what you have, what you own, what you can achieve, what your kid can achieve, or the like in the name of competition amongst ourselves. No pretenses, no need to fake show you are just being, like our fake/staged Facebook photos that are designed to prove we just like everyone else after desperate attempts to display how perfect we are. We are not just like everyone else, we are just ourselves, and it is OK to just be. Whatever you are, just be and take pride in just being, and be grateful for just being.
