It is that time of the year again. The time where Facebook comes out with their, "Year in Review" videos. All it does is remind me that another years passed without much accomplished. Which of course had me reminiscing about probably one of my weirdest years yet. And it wasn't necessarily a good year, but it also wasn't necessarily a bad year. 2016 just felt like a year where I didn't go anywhere. Like I sat in a glass snow globe and watched the world turn without me and life go on, on the outside. This, of course, led me to start thinking about what it was that was off about my year and oddly enough, I thought about my yoga class last Friday morning. Clearly weird, but then I stumbled across a word that helped me put my thoughts into perspective.
Last Friday morning in class, the instructor asked for two super hard poses to work towards. My back has been messed up for months, seriously putting a damper on my life and my right leg is now smaller than my left and it is freaking me out, but getting back to the point, for lack of a better term I have been taking the old lady classes. So when someone, another instructor, shouted out "bird of paradise" I was stoked. Not sure if I was ready for that pose, but figured I could at least try to get to a pose that a year ago was no sweat to me. Then it hit it me, it was going to be more difficult because I was in the back the row, meaning, I had to look forward and hopefully avoid looking at the wobbling figure in front of me. But, I put myself in the back row, purposefully. My confidence is low, fitness lost and I have been wanting to hide. It is just in general hard for me to get focused on me these days in a classroom full of loud breathers, moaners, and wobblers. I was nervous that I would have a hard time BALANCING if I watched the lady in front of me shake her way into some sort of modified "bird of paradise." But, I put myself behind her on purpose, it was a frustrating thought. So today, as I sit here thinking about what made 2016 so odd, I go back to that pose and think of the total and utter lack of balance. Not only did I have a hard time with balance, it seems our world did as well, and since I am always effected by those around me, I let other off-balanced people effect my balance, just like in yoga. I have been doubly off-balanced by things I can control and things that I cannot.
It has been a year of learning and realization. It has been a year of disappointment, self struggle, loss of love, missed friendships, physical and mental setbacks, and of multiple steps backward. However, it has also been a year of new experiences, new friendships, new adventures, hard work, and most of all a little acceptance. What this year hasn't been is quiet, steady, or even keeled. But, that lack of balance has helped me to understand me, my faults, and my strengths and it is hard to be mad at that. (Though it still feels like 2016 had a dark cloud over it.) If we know ourselves better, maybe we can be more forgiving, not just of ourselves but of others. The chaos created by being out of balance is a quiet chaos, but now that I see it everything just feels manic for lack of a better term. Everything is either/or, politically, economically, culturally, in our daily lives. You are either in, or you are out. There seems to be no room for anything but. This year seems to be about the overall creation of a zero-sum game. With that creation we are robbing ourselves of balance, which leads to anger and general malaise.
As the year comes to an end, I can't help but think of a quote from a book that I recently read called Shantaram. Long, a little too fantastical to be based on real life, but an okay book overall. This one idea really got to me, because as I struggle with my lack of balance, some melancholic feelings about things and people, it struck me as not only true, but okay. It is a concept that is pulling me back into balance, because I cannot help be anything other than me. I cannot control anyone else's balance, but I can control how much their balance effects me by focusing what I have to offer to remain in the game of life. As Lin says, "Love, like respect isn't something you get; it is something you give." As I looked for the indulgences known as affirmation and reciprocation in 2016, I lost my balance and it hurt. But, I am good at loving, and being vulnerable, and being open, and since I am literal, genuine. The realization that those are not necessarily going to be reciprocated actually feels peaceful and surprisingly, not personal. With that in mind, I am looking forward to friends, family, and new experiences in 2017 and to giving without expectation. I am just sorry it took me so long to realize that :)
Me
Thursday, December 8, 2016
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Stop It
Listen, being unhappy with the results of the election does not make you anti- or un- American. It doesn't make you lazy, it doesn't make you a sore loser, and it doesn't mean that many of us do not have fair grievances for what happened last night. Just like if you voted for Donald Trump it doesn't necessarily mean you are a racist, or a misogynist. It probably means that you just wanted change, despite not much change happening in the senate or the congress, but that is a conversation for another day. Just like I can recognize that not all Donald Trump supporters are as mentioned above, racist or misogynist, people need to understand that for many of us, Donald Trumps message of change did NOT resonate louder than his, well, "other" message. What I wanted from this election is.....
I want to live in a nation where it is okay to be Muslim, or Jewish, just as much as it is okay to be Catholic or Episcopalian. The real and threatening language that has been directed towards those groups deserves to be addressed and not swept under the rug because people on Facebook want this to be "over." The very real fear that has been instilled in both groups is undeserved and for many preserving their daily life felt dependent on this election, and they are still living in uncertainty. People of different faiths deserve to live their lives in peace in this country.
I want to live in a nation where journalist can cover events without fear of retribution. Where journalist, even if they lean right or left, are respected and allowed to be included in the conversations that shape this nation. I want the press room in the White House to always be full, I want newspapers to always have the scoop, I want the network anchors to always be able to tell the story without the threat of censorship. We deserve to have a strong and active press corp who upholds and reflects our right to free speech, always.
I want to live in a nation where LGBT kids are not threatened with bogus conversion therapy. Because, for one it is not a real thing, and two, there is nothing wrong with them. I want my friends and family who are married to partners of the same sex be able to be by their side in times of need. To always be recognized as who they are, live every other married couple living their lives. I do not want them to fear that the sanctity of their unions can be wiped away. People in this country deserve the right to love who they love without question. They have a right be treated with equality and respect.
I want to live in a nation where my life is not threatened by an non-viable pregnancy. I do not want women to be punished, physically, mentally, or emotionally for making a choice about her health and body. Even one woman who dies because of abortion bans is too many. When women are dying in places like Italy, Ireland, and Poland despite having amazing medical care, but the inability to have a life saving abortion performed, and American's continue to avoid that part of the discussion, I and many other women will live in fear. No one has a right to my body but me, when that is taken away what will we as women have left?
I want to live in a nation that recognizes it was founded by immigrants and continues to be welcoming to immigrants. Our immigrant community, be it Somali, Syrian, Hmong, or any other nation, contribute to our vibrant country. They deserve our compassion and kindness, not our hatred or disgust of another. I do not want people fleeing from war, hunger, or political strife to have to carry that fear with them here. It does not seem right that children of immigrants fear being sent back. My heart broke last night when my seven year old nephew asked if he is going to have to live in Pakistan now. No one should ever have to feel like they are unwanted despite being citizens.
I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the new President-elect that he can govern for everyone like he promised this morning. But, these are very real issues to very real Americans. Things have been said, innuendo has been made and in some cases action unfortunately has been taken. A little empathy could go a long way with "healing the divide" that everyone talks about. If we as a nation are unwilling to even acknowledge this, to discuss that what went down, too many people will be living the next four years in fear. You many of voted for him in an effort for change, but many did not vote for him out of fear that they will not be able to go about their daily lives. The travesty remains that people do not want to talk about this, or think we should sweep it under the rugs. Again, I am not going to remain silent about it. I do hope for change, I hope that these fears are unfounded, but I cannot and will not remain silent.
I want to live in a nation where it is okay to be Muslim, or Jewish, just as much as it is okay to be Catholic or Episcopalian. The real and threatening language that has been directed towards those groups deserves to be addressed and not swept under the rug because people on Facebook want this to be "over." The very real fear that has been instilled in both groups is undeserved and for many preserving their daily life felt dependent on this election, and they are still living in uncertainty. People of different faiths deserve to live their lives in peace in this country.
I want to live in a nation where journalist can cover events without fear of retribution. Where journalist, even if they lean right or left, are respected and allowed to be included in the conversations that shape this nation. I want the press room in the White House to always be full, I want newspapers to always have the scoop, I want the network anchors to always be able to tell the story without the threat of censorship. We deserve to have a strong and active press corp who upholds and reflects our right to free speech, always.
I want to live in a nation where LGBT kids are not threatened with bogus conversion therapy. Because, for one it is not a real thing, and two, there is nothing wrong with them. I want my friends and family who are married to partners of the same sex be able to be by their side in times of need. To always be recognized as who they are, live every other married couple living their lives. I do not want them to fear that the sanctity of their unions can be wiped away. People in this country deserve the right to love who they love without question. They have a right be treated with equality and respect.
I want to live in a nation where my life is not threatened by an non-viable pregnancy. I do not want women to be punished, physically, mentally, or emotionally for making a choice about her health and body. Even one woman who dies because of abortion bans is too many. When women are dying in places like Italy, Ireland, and Poland despite having amazing medical care, but the inability to have a life saving abortion performed, and American's continue to avoid that part of the discussion, I and many other women will live in fear. No one has a right to my body but me, when that is taken away what will we as women have left?
I want to live in a nation that recognizes it was founded by immigrants and continues to be welcoming to immigrants. Our immigrant community, be it Somali, Syrian, Hmong, or any other nation, contribute to our vibrant country. They deserve our compassion and kindness, not our hatred or disgust of another. I do not want people fleeing from war, hunger, or political strife to have to carry that fear with them here. It does not seem right that children of immigrants fear being sent back. My heart broke last night when my seven year old nephew asked if he is going to have to live in Pakistan now. No one should ever have to feel like they are unwanted despite being citizens.
I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the new President-elect that he can govern for everyone like he promised this morning. But, these are very real issues to very real Americans. Things have been said, innuendo has been made and in some cases action unfortunately has been taken. A little empathy could go a long way with "healing the divide" that everyone talks about. If we as a nation are unwilling to even acknowledge this, to discuss that what went down, too many people will be living the next four years in fear. You many of voted for him in an effort for change, but many did not vote for him out of fear that they will not be able to go about their daily lives. The travesty remains that people do not want to talk about this, or think we should sweep it under the rugs. Again, I am not going to remain silent about it. I do hope for change, I hope that these fears are unfounded, but I cannot and will not remain silent.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Word
So, when I was in high school and undergrad I loved those class discussions about World War II. They always fascinated me and the older and more studied I became there was always something about the events and circumstances that I just could not understand and it always stemmed from the same idea that has ruminated in my head since I first thought it in eight grade. So it was with that idea rattling around in my brain that I went about studying the subject. It was with great relief when I realized in my first graduate seminar on the topic, that it was an actual academic issue that colored many scholar's study of the Holocaust more specifically than just World War II. That issue being, who was at fault. The German government or the whole country, every person. What always fascinated me in earlier classes was how quickly other students would feign disgust at the idea that people could so idly sit by while their neighbors were being massacred. And I always refrained from giving my opinion on it, because there are many circumstances involved and the one thing you cannot ever do use hindsight as justification in determining your moral fiber. The honest truth is that no one knows what they would have done in 1933 Germany, 1937 Germany, 1944 Germany and so on and so forth. We can be disgusted about what happened, we can question why opposition was so low, (Gestapo was effective, people ratted out their neighbors, as American's we do not give enough credit to resistance fighters because it takes away from our own narrative as the hero, and so on and so forth) and we most certainly can be abhorred that people participated. But, there is one thing no one can say with certainty and that is, "Well, I would never have stood for/done/accepted/participated.....in said event." The only thing that you will ever know is what you are doing in the present and what you personally did in the past.
That being said, we are on the last day of our current presidential election cycle and for me, speaking out against someone I think is truly dangerous, not only to my family, but to our democracy, to our history, to our rights, and to our freedoms is pretty damn important. I keep seeing people on Facebook being upset that people are vocal about this election. That politics is just politics and people need to relax. And yes, that is usually true every four years and in all honesty the president actually has relatively little bearing on your every day world. However, and this is a giant HOWEVER, we have never had a presidential candidate so close to winning that continues insult women, demonize Muslims, harass immigrants, debase handicap people, threaten the future family of our LGBT citizens. At the very least this person will represent the American people to the world, and I for one am appalled that this rhetoric is accepted by one of the most influential political parties in the country. I am appalled that now, not one but two or the world's most popular religions are being insulted, since the Jewish community has been added to the list. We are a country with freedom of religion. I am appalled that the journalist of this country are being threatened, despite our freedom of the press which is our assurance that we will be informed, and that our government HAS to be transparent. I am personally angered for my Muslim family members, my immigrant friends, and anyone else who has been treated as a second class citizen by Mr. Trump. This is the time to speak out and it is my right. Sorry, but this is more important that showing pictures of my dog, food, husband, or whatever non-important thing I did last Saturday.
If you think it is OK because Mr. Trump is anti-establishment, think again. He has continually benefited from being a white, rich male. There is nothing anti-establishment about that, zero. He has never been on the outside looking in. He has benefited greatly from our political system, tax system, justice system, economic system, and popular culture form of entertainment. We do not get to throw human decency out the window because we feel like we are getting screwed by a government your friends and neighbors voted for 2, 4, or 6 years ago. But what I can tell you, what is an immediate threat for me, is this nugget of knowledge that effects me personally EVERY DAMN DAY. It is why I feel the need to speak out and it is why many others do as well.
"The Center for the Study of Hate and Extremism at California State University, San Bernardino, found at least 260 hate crimes targeting Muslims in 2015 ― nearly an 80 percent rise from 2014, and the greatest number of such crimes in any year since 2001.
Researchers in that report also found an 87.5% increase in hate crimes against Muslims in the days directly following Trumps proposal to ban Muslims from entering the U.S."
*(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/lawyers-blame-alt-right-for-clients-death-threats-against-muslims_us_581c9e9be4b0e80b02c93e24)
What bothers me immediately is that despite being 2016, we still live in a nation that still espouses a certain type of rape culture where men feel permitted to even comment on a woman's body. (ahem Harvard Soccer team) To the point where it is just peachy keen that we have a presidential candidate who does it on a regular basis and it is dismissed as nothing but a boys will be boys mentality. A mentality that makes it A-okay for rape victims to be blamed or dismissed because, "they drank too much," or "wore slutty cloths."
Because, here is the deal. WORDS HAVE POWER. Words have the power to vilify, words have the power to shame, and worst of all words have the power to act as agency in the expression of anger, real or manufactured. A shift in our culture is not a license to suspend the rights of minorities, religious or color of skin or sexual orientation. A shift in our demographic population does not give us a right to harden our hearts against our fellow citizens casting aside a group of people as second class citizens. The only person who made this election personal is the one on the ballot tomorrow. So yes, with so much at stake, I will speak out. I will post about it on Facebook. You should feel uncomfortable with him, we all should feel uncomfortable with this. Listen, we need a working Republican/Conservative Party. That is not the issue here. This is not about being a conservative or a liberal. I am disgusted for my die hard Republican friends who are suffering through the agony of this election cycle knowing they cannot vote for this man. At this point it is about human decency. What is the issue is the fact that right now a narcissistic demagogue is the face of that party. We cannot allow any more hate to permeate our great experiment. We cannot let this man become the suicide of our democracy. My family deserves better and so does yours. And I can live with myself in 2016 and the fact that I did speak out against Donald Trump's hatred. I know where I stand today in the face of someone threatening my family, friends, and fellow citizens.
Monday, October 17, 2016
To be or not to be: In Control
Everyday most of us strive to live the life that best suits our needs, be them immediate or long term. I need coffee to wake up. It is immediate and even though its a normative, minuscule task, I still only exert a certain amount of control in my even being able to complete the process in order to make sure I get coffee. There could have been some accident rendering my water supply contaminated. My dog could have jumped up and broke my coffee maker, the Starbucks or deli down the street could have burned down. There are things beyond my control that could totally paralyze my ability to meet my need for coffee. Now, it probably seems like a stupid example, but if our tiny needs through out the day are not 100% in our control, the bigger ones are even more complex. And this is what has been rattling around in my brain. How much control do we actually have, and furthermore, how much do our desires to control our own outcomes effect other people?
I get the concept of control and how appealing it is psychologically. You can decided what happens, avoid the bad, be better, do better, have better. Get what you want when you want because you are in control. It is safe, it is easy, and more importantly it is something that you wholly own. It is yours. Your own concept of control is enacted by your own definition of it. But, the dichotomy of control and controlling is often put on the back burner, mostly not even realized. Because, as I stated from above, how much does our desire for control effect other people? Our relationships within the family, marital, friendships, and so forth. If we are each and solely in control or our lives, then when we intersect there are two independent forces fighting for control. No matter how much we refuse to admit it or realize it. It is scary for many to acquiesce their control. Look at backseat drivers, people who criticize the most mundane tasks like cooking. How does one reconcile the big ones?
Admittedly I think about this a lot because sometimes control is over rated. It makes us too hard on ourselves and too hard on other people. "If he could just control his feelings he wouldn't be in this mess." "All she has to do is exert a bit of control and she could have what she wants." When dealing with other people the idea of control lets us off the hook, we get to write off their failures as their own fault. Why should we be bothered with feelings of sympathy or empathy because someone was lax in their control. On a personal level, and especially in America, we are saddled with expectations of perfection. Ideologically individualized, constantly driven by the concept of not having anyone to blame but ourselves. I think its utterly preposterous. We want to control our lives but we have to be careful. At the same time we have to display effusive amounts of gratitude for "what we have," in total spite of how we might be feeling at that moment or years down the road. This renders the idea of real control utterly mute, and it is even more glaring when we are intersecting with other people. Control as a double edge sword sucks, and is especially susceptible to sucking depending on who is wielding it. Despite desiring control of our lives we are still help up to normative standards of our society, which makes us desperately cling to our control even more, scaring the shit out of people who feel out of control and so on and so forth. Fast forward to anxiety and a host of other problems.
Is control a useful tool in holding ourselves accountable? Very much so. Does it help us to reach our goals and stay on track? Absolutely. All I wish is for us to remember the downsides when we hold on to it too rigidly. When we rest on our control like it is some sort of Puritanical laurel of achievement. Ironically too many Americans consider our nation to be a Christian one, if that were ultimately the truth, the need for control would diminish. We wouldn't need it because we have faith. What amuses me about the idea of control is that fact that I have a pretty total lack of said faith, but no strong desire to fight and push for my version of control. It is probably lazy on my part but I want to be forgiving of myself and those around me. I see the world as so interconnected there is just no way that my own actions will ever solely effect just me no matter how hard I try or how little I think about the effects of my actions. I also want to see life changing and I want to give myself permission to change with it and those around me as well. So as Ralph Ellison said in Invisible Man, “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” We can try to be the most perfect human being, the best versions of ourselves, exert the utmost amount of control in the process, but after all, we are only human beings. We are all on the precipice of defeat because that is what it means to be human and fallible.
I get the concept of control and how appealing it is psychologically. You can decided what happens, avoid the bad, be better, do better, have better. Get what you want when you want because you are in control. It is safe, it is easy, and more importantly it is something that you wholly own. It is yours. Your own concept of control is enacted by your own definition of it. But, the dichotomy of control and controlling is often put on the back burner, mostly not even realized. Because, as I stated from above, how much does our desire for control effect other people? Our relationships within the family, marital, friendships, and so forth. If we are each and solely in control or our lives, then when we intersect there are two independent forces fighting for control. No matter how much we refuse to admit it or realize it. It is scary for many to acquiesce their control. Look at backseat drivers, people who criticize the most mundane tasks like cooking. How does one reconcile the big ones?
Admittedly I think about this a lot because sometimes control is over rated. It makes us too hard on ourselves and too hard on other people. "If he could just control his feelings he wouldn't be in this mess." "All she has to do is exert a bit of control and she could have what she wants." When dealing with other people the idea of control lets us off the hook, we get to write off their failures as their own fault. Why should we be bothered with feelings of sympathy or empathy because someone was lax in their control. On a personal level, and especially in America, we are saddled with expectations of perfection. Ideologically individualized, constantly driven by the concept of not having anyone to blame but ourselves. I think its utterly preposterous. We want to control our lives but we have to be careful. At the same time we have to display effusive amounts of gratitude for "what we have," in total spite of how we might be feeling at that moment or years down the road. This renders the idea of real control utterly mute, and it is even more glaring when we are intersecting with other people. Control as a double edge sword sucks, and is especially susceptible to sucking depending on who is wielding it. Despite desiring control of our lives we are still help up to normative standards of our society, which makes us desperately cling to our control even more, scaring the shit out of people who feel out of control and so on and so forth. Fast forward to anxiety and a host of other problems.
Is control a useful tool in holding ourselves accountable? Very much so. Does it help us to reach our goals and stay on track? Absolutely. All I wish is for us to remember the downsides when we hold on to it too rigidly. When we rest on our control like it is some sort of Puritanical laurel of achievement. Ironically too many Americans consider our nation to be a Christian one, if that were ultimately the truth, the need for control would diminish. We wouldn't need it because we have faith. What amuses me about the idea of control is that fact that I have a pretty total lack of said faith, but no strong desire to fight and push for my version of control. It is probably lazy on my part but I want to be forgiving of myself and those around me. I see the world as so interconnected there is just no way that my own actions will ever solely effect just me no matter how hard I try or how little I think about the effects of my actions. I also want to see life changing and I want to give myself permission to change with it and those around me as well. So as Ralph Ellison said in Invisible Man, “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” We can try to be the most perfect human being, the best versions of ourselves, exert the utmost amount of control in the process, but after all, we are only human beings. We are all on the precipice of defeat because that is what it means to be human and fallible.
To be or not to be: In Control
Everyday most of us strive to live the life that best suits our needs, be them immediate or long term. I need coffee to wake up. It is immediate and even though its a normative, minuscule task, I still only exert a certain amount of control in my even being able to complete the process in order to make sure I get coffee. There could have been some accident rendering my water supply contaminated. My dog could have jumped up and broke my coffee maker, the Starbucks or deli down the street could have burned down. There are things beyond my control that could totally paralyze my ability to meet my need for coffee. Now, it probably seems like a stupid example, but if our tiny needs through out the day are not 100% in our control, the bigger ones are even more complex. And this is what has been rattling around in my brain. How much control do we actually have, and furthermore, how much do our desires to control our own outcomes effect other people?
I get the concept of control and how appealing it is psychologically. You can decided what happens, avoid the bad, be better, do better, have better. Get what you want when you want because you are in control. It is safe, it is easy, and more importantly it is something that you wholly own. It is yours. Your own concept of control is enacted by your own definition of it. But, the dichotomy of control and controlling is often put on the back burner, mostly not even realized. Because, as I stated from above, how much does our desire for control effect other people? Our relationships within the family, marital, friendships, and so forth. If we are each and solely in control or our lives, then when we intersect there are two independent forces fighting for control. No matter how much we refuse to admit it or realize it. It is scary for many to acquiesce their control. Look at backseat drivers, people who criticize the most mundane tasks like cooking. How does one reconcile the big ones?
Admittedly I think about this a lot because sometimes control is over rated. It makes us too hard on ourselves and too hard on other people. "If he could just control his feelings he wouldn't be in this mess." "All she has to do is exert a bit of control and she could have what she wants." When dealing with other people the idea of control lets us off the hook, we get to write off their failures as their own fault. Why should we be bothered with feelings of sympathy or empathy because someone was lax in their control. On a personal level, and especially in America, we are saddled with expectations of perfection. Ideologically individualized, constantly driven by the concept of not having anyone to blame but ourselves. I think its utterly preposterous. We want to control our lives but we have to be careful. At the same time we have to display effusive amounts of gratitude for "what we have," in total spite of how we might be feeling at that moment or years down the road. This renders the idea of real control utterly mute, and it is even more glaring when we are intersecting with other people. Control as a double edge sword sucks, and is especially susceptible to sucking depending on who is wielding it. Despite desiring control of our lives we are still help up to normative standards of our society, which makes us desperately cling to our control even more, scaring the shit out of people who feel out of control and so on and so forth. Fast forward to anxiety and a host of other problems.
Is control a useful tool in holding ourselves accountable? Very much so. Does it help us to reach our goals and stay on track? Absolutely. All I wish is for us to remember the downsides when we hold on to it too rigidly. When we rest on our control like it is some sort of Puritanical laurel of achievement. Ironically too many Americans consider our nation to be a Christian one, if that were ultimately the truth, the need for control would diminish. We wouldn't need it because we have faith. What amuses me about the idea of control is that fact that I have a pretty total lack of said faith, but no strong desire to fight and push for my version of control. It is probably lazy on my part but I want to be forgiving of myself and those around me. I see the world as so interconnected there is just no way that my own actions will ever solely effect just me no matter how hard I try or how little I think about the effects of my actions. I also want to see life changing and I want to give myself permission to change with it and those around me as well. So as Ralph Ellison said in Invisible Man, “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” We can try to be the most perfect human being, the best versions of ourselves, exert the utmost amount of control in the process, but after all, we are only human beings. We are all on the precipice of defeat because that is what it means to be human and fallible.
I get the concept of control and how appealing it is psychologically. You can decided what happens, avoid the bad, be better, do better, have better. Get what you want when you want because you are in control. It is safe, it is easy, and more importantly it is something that you wholly own. It is yours. Your own concept of control is enacted by your own definition of it. But, the dichotomy of control and controlling is often put on the back burner, mostly not even realized. Because, as I stated from above, how much does our desire for control effect other people? Our relationships within the family, marital, friendships, and so forth. If we are each and solely in control or our lives, then when we intersect there are two independent forces fighting for control. No matter how much we refuse to admit it or realize it. It is scary for many to acquiesce their control. Look at backseat drivers, people who criticize the most mundane tasks like cooking. How does one reconcile the big ones?
Admittedly I think about this a lot because sometimes control is over rated. It makes us too hard on ourselves and too hard on other people. "If he could just control his feelings he wouldn't be in this mess." "All she has to do is exert a bit of control and she could have what she wants." When dealing with other people the idea of control lets us off the hook, we get to write off their failures as their own fault. Why should we be bothered with feelings of sympathy or empathy because someone was lax in their control. On a personal level, and especially in America, we are saddled with expectations of perfection. Ideologically individualized, constantly driven by the concept of not having anyone to blame but ourselves. I think its utterly preposterous. We want to control our lives but we have to be careful. At the same time we have to display effusive amounts of gratitude for "what we have," in total spite of how we might be feeling at that moment or years down the road. This renders the idea of real control utterly mute, and it is even more glaring when we are intersecting with other people. Control as a double edge sword sucks, and is especially susceptible to sucking depending on who is wielding it. Despite desiring control of our lives we are still help up to normative standards of our society, which makes us desperately cling to our control even more, scaring the shit out of people who feel out of control and so on and so forth. Fast forward to anxiety and a host of other problems.
Is control a useful tool in holding ourselves accountable? Very much so. Does it help us to reach our goals and stay on track? Absolutely. All I wish is for us to remember the downsides when we hold on to it too rigidly. When we rest on our control like it is some sort of Puritanical laurel of achievement. Ironically too many Americans consider our nation to be a Christian one, if that were ultimately the truth, the need for control would diminish. We wouldn't need it because we have faith. What amuses me about the idea of control is that fact that I have a pretty total lack of said faith, but no strong desire to fight and push for my version of control. It is probably lazy on my part but I want to be forgiving of myself and those around me. I see the world as so interconnected there is just no way that my own actions will ever solely effect just me no matter how hard I try or how little I think about the effects of my actions. I also want to see life changing and I want to give myself permission to change with it and those around me as well. So as Ralph Ellison said in Invisible Man, “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” We can try to be the most perfect human being, the best versions of ourselves, exert the utmost amount of control in the process, but after all, we are only human beings. We are all on the precipice of defeat because that is what it means to be human and fallible.
Monday, August 29, 2016
What is Perfection?
On a longer boat trip yesterday, I settled down to read and take a much needed nap. It was the close to another long and tiring weekend, that also ended up being personally challenging as well. I am the type of person that very much lives in my head and to me, I am always the problem and while I am cognizant of that fact, and despite my near constant failure, I am always looking to be better, to do better, to be the perfection I see in everyone else. So, I was excited when I found this article (http://qz.com/762868/giving-up-alcohol-opened-my-eyes-to-the-infuriating-truth-about-why-women-drink/) on my news feed and settled down to read it. At first it was awesome and I could not have agreed more and it made me feel a little better about myself until the end. The piece closed with the author and a a few other women, at the 'deep end' of the pool essentially judging a group of other women at the 'shallow end' for drinking at a bachelorette party. Not only did it ruin the article, it made me sad. Sad that here was an otherwise awesome and relatable article for women in general that became over-shadowed, at least for me, again by the fact that women always feel the need to judge others to validate their life. It made me sad for the author because she has a story to tell, she has needs, wants, feelings and failures, but why add that part at the end. The little part that invalidates the women's lives she is judging, for reasons unbeknownst to me, because it did not seem an imperative to the story that she was writing, unless I misread the whole piece and the only point she was trying to convey was that she was at some form of higher understanding which made her better than other women who still drink, even just a little. But, it didn't seem like that.
It got me thinking about why I was so bothered by it. Then I started thinking about all the women I smiled at this weekend at the regatta only to be met with scowls, some have been doing it for years but year after year I keep smiling. Like I have said before sailing is one of the most misogynistic activities a woman can participate in, silly me for thinking other women would want a conspiratorial grin (we made it through another day) much less to talk after a day of being out on the water with 3 men in a 22 ft boat. There are definitely awesome women sailors, who love to talk about the day on the water, and just because you want to be friendly with someone, it does not mean they have to be friendly with you, but for me it will always sucks because I do take it personally and like I said, I am aware of my short comings, believe me. I just wish that us women could be better to each other sometimes, nay, all the times. Not just more understanding, but more forgiving.
You see, I am sure all of this thinking is precipitated by my upcoming birthday and thinking about the past year. My 33rd year on this planet has been an weird one. Fun, but frustrating. I have gotten closer to some awesome people, went on adventures with some cool cats, have been frustrated by my near constant failures concerning employment and other areas, have gotten to spend a ton of time with family, and in general am still trying to figure out who I am in all of this. How can I be better, how can I be like the people I know, how can I be less frustrating, more perfect. I keep waiting for myself to figure it out, like everyone else has. What can be said when the same issues you had at 17, 23, and 27 crop up still when you are 33? My biggest question in all of this continues to simply be, "When will I grow up?" As weird as I am, I cannot be the only one with insecurities.
So as you can see, with all of this, it is easy to sit back and let my jealousy of all of you guide my need to judge. But, that is the one thing I can honestly say I am and have been cognizant about in the last year and it was why I was so bothered by the end of the article. It is why I am bothered by smile thing. So many of you are doing awesome an amazing things, when I see pictures, when I talk to you, whenever something negative floats into my head, and lets be honest we all do it, I have been mentally slapping myself. Not a face palming gesture, but a literal bitch slap to myself in my brain and chastising to stop it. Stop it because we all feel crappy sometimes so we need to live in our triumphs and perfect moments. I mentally slap myself to stop wishing people felt my failures or failure period, because they most likely do have their own. I don't want to be the kind of person who judges someone I know nothing about, and I most certainly do not want to be the kind of person who judges someone I know a lot about, because as much as we know them we are not them. So instead of judging someone, next time think about why. Is it our own failures driving us? Can we reconcile our personal experiences to the world around us and realize everyone has a different experience? Most of all, for all of my lady friends out there, think about how awesome our lives would be if we embraced each other instead of the constant competing. To women we know and don't know, lets offer each other a bit of grace because we most likely are NOT going to get it from anywhere else, so lets give each other the grace we deserve. We all strive for perfection, but for those of you I know, you are all pretty perfect to me, and for those women I don't I am sure you are too in your own way. It might not be you, but the society we live in.
It got me thinking about why I was so bothered by it. Then I started thinking about all the women I smiled at this weekend at the regatta only to be met with scowls, some have been doing it for years but year after year I keep smiling. Like I have said before sailing is one of the most misogynistic activities a woman can participate in, silly me for thinking other women would want a conspiratorial grin (we made it through another day) much less to talk after a day of being out on the water with 3 men in a 22 ft boat. There are definitely awesome women sailors, who love to talk about the day on the water, and just because you want to be friendly with someone, it does not mean they have to be friendly with you, but for me it will always sucks because I do take it personally and like I said, I am aware of my short comings, believe me. I just wish that us women could be better to each other sometimes, nay, all the times. Not just more understanding, but more forgiving.
You see, I am sure all of this thinking is precipitated by my upcoming birthday and thinking about the past year. My 33rd year on this planet has been an weird one. Fun, but frustrating. I have gotten closer to some awesome people, went on adventures with some cool cats, have been frustrated by my near constant failures concerning employment and other areas, have gotten to spend a ton of time with family, and in general am still trying to figure out who I am in all of this. How can I be better, how can I be like the people I know, how can I be less frustrating, more perfect. I keep waiting for myself to figure it out, like everyone else has. What can be said when the same issues you had at 17, 23, and 27 crop up still when you are 33? My biggest question in all of this continues to simply be, "When will I grow up?" As weird as I am, I cannot be the only one with insecurities.
So as you can see, with all of this, it is easy to sit back and let my jealousy of all of you guide my need to judge. But, that is the one thing I can honestly say I am and have been cognizant about in the last year and it was why I was so bothered by the end of the article. It is why I am bothered by smile thing. So many of you are doing awesome an amazing things, when I see pictures, when I talk to you, whenever something negative floats into my head, and lets be honest we all do it, I have been mentally slapping myself. Not a face palming gesture, but a literal bitch slap to myself in my brain and chastising to stop it. Stop it because we all feel crappy sometimes so we need to live in our triumphs and perfect moments. I mentally slap myself to stop wishing people felt my failures or failure period, because they most likely do have their own. I don't want to be the kind of person who judges someone I know nothing about, and I most certainly do not want to be the kind of person who judges someone I know a lot about, because as much as we know them we are not them. So instead of judging someone, next time think about why. Is it our own failures driving us? Can we reconcile our personal experiences to the world around us and realize everyone has a different experience? Most of all, for all of my lady friends out there, think about how awesome our lives would be if we embraced each other instead of the constant competing. To women we know and don't know, lets offer each other a bit of grace because we most likely are NOT going to get it from anywhere else, so lets give each other the grace we deserve. We all strive for perfection, but for those of you I know, you are all pretty perfect to me, and for those women I don't I am sure you are too in your own way. It might not be you, but the society we live in.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Blood in the Streets
Yesterday, I was scrolling through my news feed and came to the Milwaukee news section. The first story was about a 17 year old boy leading police on a chase, being arrested, and now faces a few felony charges. I immediately felt bad for him. I felt bad because he never had a chance in this world. I felt bad because someone should have been there to guide him through his life, yet in light of his actions, it seems clear no one was there. I felt bad because the way he is, is not entirely his fault. He is only seventeen, the brain has yet to even fully formed, and he unfortunately screwed in a big way. It simultaneously and glaringly reflected my status in this country. Though, and through, my parents hard work, though, and through, my hard work, and my husband's, we have solidified our status a part of the privileged class in America. Most of the people I know, save a handful, reside in this class, despite their inability to see this.
So, this causes me to confess my confusion as to why so many in this country resonate with such a negative message of the realities of living in 2016 America. I do not feel oppressed, I do not feel suppressed. Am I fearful sometimes? Yes, but overall I look around and there so many great things about being here, I just have a hard time feeling disenfranchised, and for the people I know on Facebook, most of you are pretty lucky as well. You get to have children and not worry about if they will starve to death. You get to travel, skateboard, snowboard, ski, or sail most of your days away. You get to be stay-at-home dads or moms. You get to start and run your own businesses. You get to eat out, or eat in, but you get to eat. You can pretty much say whatever you want, whenever you want. You can watch Game of Thrones, drive your cars thousands of miles, vote, wear whatever your want, and just in general live. For all the crapping on America, or hard feelings about who we are as a country, you have to at least admit, we got it good.
Take me for example, I get to wake up at 7am and run 3 miles with my dog. I do not have to worry about being kidnapped and gang raped, like women in India or Brazil. I can wear shorts and t-shirt and not worry about breaking some indecency law. I get to travel, a lot. I don't have to have kids if I do not want to. My husband cannot beat me, like they can in Pakistan with their new guidelines/laws on domestic violence there. I get to watch little girls and boys walking to the school near my house every morning, without violent men waiting to kidnap the girls like in Nigeria or kill them like in Afghanistan. I see my young neighbor getting jobs and working like all young men and women want to do, but do not have the opportunity in Spain, Italy, Greece, or many European countries in economic crisis, still. Our beer companies can make beer, unlike those in Venezuela who are dependent on what their governments say can and cannot be produced. I see Verizon workers striking and winning concessions out of it, without committing violence or having violence committed against them, which is often the case in many parts of the world, even in Europe. I see the dangerous weaknesses in Russia and China that threaten world instability, and as a consequence how they treat their citizens and the countries in their region and I am more than grateful we have Canada and Mexico as our neighbors.
Here is what I do not see in America. White men being oppressed. They still get to walk into a room and not have their authority or knowledge of a topic questioned or second guessed. They still get a career boost when they have kids, not a career penalty like most women. They still get lighter jail sentences when committing crime than their minority counterparts. They do not have their resumes tossed in the trash because their name sounds "too ethnic." They do not continually have the bar of success moved higher and higher out of reach every time the meet it, like women. They do not have to do double the work to win. So, this is why I am confused at the collective temper tantrum.
For better or worse, we live in a capitalistic society. We have for a long time. We live in republic that consists of fifty states that follow a constitution. It allows us the privileges and freedom to do more than most any other person in any other country. Because of this, things are not perfect. With 300 million people, things will never be perfect. But, we know how bad things can get. We see the people of North Korea starving. We see Putin's opponents being murdered and people who speak out jailed. We see hundreds of refugees drowning in the Mediterranean escaping turmoil. (Biggest thing I have learned this primary season is the public has a gross misunderstanding of what the role of the Secretary of State is, but that is besides the point.) For better or worse our ideals were founded upon the notion free will, personal responsibility, and the right to participate in our communities. No one is taking that away from you, no one is forcing a lifestyle upon you that you cannot change. Stop saying we are oppressed. Stop saying we are suppressed. Stop saying we are "slaves" in some sort of machine. If you do not like it, then work to change it just more than every four years.
So, why in God's name would we want to "burn everything down?" Getting mad every four years is not going to change anything, but volunteering in your community will. I need to do better at that myself. We create a different country and a different world by making a difference to other people, not being angry. Revolution has such romantic connotations, I think we forget the consequences of past revolutions. The War of 1812, Napoleon Bonaparte, ISIS, Tienanmen Square, the starvation and food shortages in Russia. You fancy a revolution, fine, but remember most pensions, 401K, IRA's and retirement plans depend on Wall Street. Walgreens and CVS own most of the pharmacies, and what are we going to do to the corporations who make the drugs people rely on? Most people cannot pay their mortgage in full if the loan is called in due to economic instability. Getting money out of politics does not require a revolution, it requires a SCOTUS to make nuanced and fair decisions to court cases brought forward and fair interpretations of the constitution. You want to tear down the "moneyed class" fine, but it is always changing and people are always finding ways to make money, that will be a very bloody guillotine, just like in France you are going to have to murder a lot of people. Furthermore, just because people have money it doesn't make them bad, they just have money. You want to stop trade agreements, fine, all you have to do is stop shopping at Walmart and support your small local business who are not selling the cheap crap made in China, but that will cost you more money. Stop buying smart phones and other electronics. You want corporations to pay their fair share, fine, demand that you congress person address the loopholes in the tax code or work to vote them out of office.
The ironic thing about all this, the funny thing, is that if there is a conspiracy between the rich and the corporations to disparage and degrade the plebs, they certainly have us where they want us. As Baron Rothschild once said, "The time to buy is when there's blood in the streets." There may not be blood in the streets, but we certainly are hell bent on creating a gaping divide between us citizens. Do you honestly think tearing down our institutions, letting a madman billionaire and demagogue become president, is going to change anything for the better? The way I see it, I am comfortable in my lucky status and I realized I am privileged. I have been granted a lifestyle I could only dream of as kid, I just want others to be able to enjoy the same thing. If you have time, if you have extra food, money to pay your bills, in this world you are privileged. I am working for positive growth and cohesion between everyone. And I do believe that is more noble than flirting with the idea of destroying 200+ years of progress. If someone told you change is easy, fast, or you can get instant gratification, you were lied to and mislead. If you magically think everything will be different because someone promised it, that is an outright lie. The way I see it, we have two choices, work hard to change. Which is what change requires. Or "let it burn to the ground" and dance on its ashes while we watch a man who has defrauded thousands, bully his way through the highest office in our country, while alienating everything our founding fathers stood for.
So, this causes me to confess my confusion as to why so many in this country resonate with such a negative message of the realities of living in 2016 America. I do not feel oppressed, I do not feel suppressed. Am I fearful sometimes? Yes, but overall I look around and there so many great things about being here, I just have a hard time feeling disenfranchised, and for the people I know on Facebook, most of you are pretty lucky as well. You get to have children and not worry about if they will starve to death. You get to travel, skateboard, snowboard, ski, or sail most of your days away. You get to be stay-at-home dads or moms. You get to start and run your own businesses. You get to eat out, or eat in, but you get to eat. You can pretty much say whatever you want, whenever you want. You can watch Game of Thrones, drive your cars thousands of miles, vote, wear whatever your want, and just in general live. For all the crapping on America, or hard feelings about who we are as a country, you have to at least admit, we got it good.
Take me for example, I get to wake up at 7am and run 3 miles with my dog. I do not have to worry about being kidnapped and gang raped, like women in India or Brazil. I can wear shorts and t-shirt and not worry about breaking some indecency law. I get to travel, a lot. I don't have to have kids if I do not want to. My husband cannot beat me, like they can in Pakistan with their new guidelines/laws on domestic violence there. I get to watch little girls and boys walking to the school near my house every morning, without violent men waiting to kidnap the girls like in Nigeria or kill them like in Afghanistan. I see my young neighbor getting jobs and working like all young men and women want to do, but do not have the opportunity in Spain, Italy, Greece, or many European countries in economic crisis, still. Our beer companies can make beer, unlike those in Venezuela who are dependent on what their governments say can and cannot be produced. I see Verizon workers striking and winning concessions out of it, without committing violence or having violence committed against them, which is often the case in many parts of the world, even in Europe. I see the dangerous weaknesses in Russia and China that threaten world instability, and as a consequence how they treat their citizens and the countries in their region and I am more than grateful we have Canada and Mexico as our neighbors.
Here is what I do not see in America. White men being oppressed. They still get to walk into a room and not have their authority or knowledge of a topic questioned or second guessed. They still get a career boost when they have kids, not a career penalty like most women. They still get lighter jail sentences when committing crime than their minority counterparts. They do not have their resumes tossed in the trash because their name sounds "too ethnic." They do not continually have the bar of success moved higher and higher out of reach every time the meet it, like women. They do not have to do double the work to win. So, this is why I am confused at the collective temper tantrum.
For better or worse, we live in a capitalistic society. We have for a long time. We live in republic that consists of fifty states that follow a constitution. It allows us the privileges and freedom to do more than most any other person in any other country. Because of this, things are not perfect. With 300 million people, things will never be perfect. But, we know how bad things can get. We see the people of North Korea starving. We see Putin's opponents being murdered and people who speak out jailed. We see hundreds of refugees drowning in the Mediterranean escaping turmoil. (Biggest thing I have learned this primary season is the public has a gross misunderstanding of what the role of the Secretary of State is, but that is besides the point.) For better or worse our ideals were founded upon the notion free will, personal responsibility, and the right to participate in our communities. No one is taking that away from you, no one is forcing a lifestyle upon you that you cannot change. Stop saying we are oppressed. Stop saying we are suppressed. Stop saying we are "slaves" in some sort of machine. If you do not like it, then work to change it just more than every four years.
So, why in God's name would we want to "burn everything down?" Getting mad every four years is not going to change anything, but volunteering in your community will. I need to do better at that myself. We create a different country and a different world by making a difference to other people, not being angry. Revolution has such romantic connotations, I think we forget the consequences of past revolutions. The War of 1812, Napoleon Bonaparte, ISIS, Tienanmen Square, the starvation and food shortages in Russia. You fancy a revolution, fine, but remember most pensions, 401K, IRA's and retirement plans depend on Wall Street. Walgreens and CVS own most of the pharmacies, and what are we going to do to the corporations who make the drugs people rely on? Most people cannot pay their mortgage in full if the loan is called in due to economic instability. Getting money out of politics does not require a revolution, it requires a SCOTUS to make nuanced and fair decisions to court cases brought forward and fair interpretations of the constitution. You want to tear down the "moneyed class" fine, but it is always changing and people are always finding ways to make money, that will be a very bloody guillotine, just like in France you are going to have to murder a lot of people. Furthermore, just because people have money it doesn't make them bad, they just have money. You want to stop trade agreements, fine, all you have to do is stop shopping at Walmart and support your small local business who are not selling the cheap crap made in China, but that will cost you more money. Stop buying smart phones and other electronics. You want corporations to pay their fair share, fine, demand that you congress person address the loopholes in the tax code or work to vote them out of office.
The ironic thing about all this, the funny thing, is that if there is a conspiracy between the rich and the corporations to disparage and degrade the plebs, they certainly have us where they want us. As Baron Rothschild once said, "The time to buy is when there's blood in the streets." There may not be blood in the streets, but we certainly are hell bent on creating a gaping divide between us citizens. Do you honestly think tearing down our institutions, letting a madman billionaire and demagogue become president, is going to change anything for the better? The way I see it, I am comfortable in my lucky status and I realized I am privileged. I have been granted a lifestyle I could only dream of as kid, I just want others to be able to enjoy the same thing. If you have time, if you have extra food, money to pay your bills, in this world you are privileged. I am working for positive growth and cohesion between everyone. And I do believe that is more noble than flirting with the idea of destroying 200+ years of progress. If someone told you change is easy, fast, or you can get instant gratification, you were lied to and mislead. If you magically think everything will be different because someone promised it, that is an outright lie. The way I see it, we have two choices, work hard to change. Which is what change requires. Or "let it burn to the ground" and dance on its ashes while we watch a man who has defrauded thousands, bully his way through the highest office in our country, while alienating everything our founding fathers stood for.
Friday, June 3, 2016
Boys Seem to Like the Girls Who Laugh at Anything
A few weeks ago, I wrote a little blip about the difficulties for women sailors, especially on Lake Michigan. It was maybe 3 paragraphs, nothing big. It just mentioned the widely known disparities that women sailing competitively face. I was inspired by the struggles faced by women from team SCA who did the Volvo Ocean Race, and did fairly well, yet still will never be able to achieve or perform at or in the same level as the men in this sport, the pinnacle event, The America's Cup. I was also inspired by my own double daily workouts, after falling down for the thousandth time in a puddle of my own sweat I couldn't help but asking, "What am I doing this for?" And if you see some of the men that sail, you would understand my frustration. So, what am I doing this for??
That article that I wrote was highly praised by many members in the club, men and women alike (many whom I admire and respect), but also highly dissed by, you guessed it, women. We like to diminish or dismiss experiences of others when we have not had the same ones and that absolutely drives me crazy. When we refuse to ever remotely understand what may or may not be happening outside our own bubbles we are reinforcing our own beliefs about what we think is going on or should be going on and it is a cycle of convenient ignorance. But, that is not the way the world works. A 23 year old man with no experience can pretty much walk onto any sailboat and be picked over me 99% of the time. So what am I doing this for? I am using this sailing metaphor for life in general. Too many women believe that feminism is a bad word. Or that women are totally equal and never face discrimination, despite the fact it is documented in salaries, on corporate boards, and many other places. Or that certain insults are not the product of our male dominated culture, a bitch is a female dog, why is that an insult, I love my female dog. That our rape problem is inflated by false accusations or girls who want attention. Or that women who bring forth instances of domestic abuse are only gold diggers or weak and faulty because they just don't leave. Just a few examples, but my point is, WE ARE STILL NOT EQUAL, WE NEVER HAVE BEEN EQUAL and if you think, because it is not your problem that there is no problem, well when it is your turn it will be a rude awakening.
I am also saying this in a climate rife with blood-lust hatred for a lady who apparently is the singular person responsible for all ills in the world for the past 30 years, yet ironically is reduced to the sum of all her husbands indiscretions to boot. You can not like a woman that is fine, but to bring to a level of witch hunt that it is at, is the very reason why some other women cry foul (aside from the WaPo polls that mention a majority of the haters are white male and reason to also cry foul). Not to mention the angsty anger to see some one fail so hard and spectacularly it scary for other reasons for me, but I digress. Because all of the sudden I see it around me. I feel the resentment towards women in general by so many. Women people do not know, women people do know, the woman who succeeds is the woman seen as bitch or unlikable and so on and so on. I see how hard some of my friends have to work. I see how big of a struggle it is for women to please people, any people, these days. I feel the asinine childlike behavior of a man having a tantrum because a lady doesn't want a second date, or because someone turned him down for a drink. And I love it, because the first men who are going to get angry with this post are probably exactly what I am talking about.
So I wanted to write this because the LVACWS (Louis Vuitton Ameica's Cup World Series) event is coming to Chicago next week. It is an event designed to spread awareness of sailing, a rich white mans sport. However, there are no minorities in the event, and no women sailors. How are you going to spread interest when you shut out the NEW MAJORITY of people in this county? In a climate where everyone is fearful that something is being taken away from them, where their ideas of victimization are trumped up (haha yeah that was a pun) we need to be vigilant in making sure that we take what is ours, that we fight for our right to participate FULLY in this country. Where we can be so successful yet so far away from the top prize is indicative that we have a long long way to go. For the women out there who do not believe me, or think I am some ranting lunatic liberal, think about it the next time a man looks at you a little too long or catcalls you. He thinks he is entitled to you and why do you think that is? This is still just a mans world and we are only living it.
That article that I wrote was highly praised by many members in the club, men and women alike (many whom I admire and respect), but also highly dissed by, you guessed it, women. We like to diminish or dismiss experiences of others when we have not had the same ones and that absolutely drives me crazy. When we refuse to ever remotely understand what may or may not be happening outside our own bubbles we are reinforcing our own beliefs about what we think is going on or should be going on and it is a cycle of convenient ignorance. But, that is not the way the world works. A 23 year old man with no experience can pretty much walk onto any sailboat and be picked over me 99% of the time. So what am I doing this for? I am using this sailing metaphor for life in general. Too many women believe that feminism is a bad word. Or that women are totally equal and never face discrimination, despite the fact it is documented in salaries, on corporate boards, and many other places. Or that certain insults are not the product of our male dominated culture, a bitch is a female dog, why is that an insult, I love my female dog. That our rape problem is inflated by false accusations or girls who want attention. Or that women who bring forth instances of domestic abuse are only gold diggers or weak and faulty because they just don't leave. Just a few examples, but my point is, WE ARE STILL NOT EQUAL, WE NEVER HAVE BEEN EQUAL and if you think, because it is not your problem that there is no problem, well when it is your turn it will be a rude awakening.
I am also saying this in a climate rife with blood-lust hatred for a lady who apparently is the singular person responsible for all ills in the world for the past 30 years, yet ironically is reduced to the sum of all her husbands indiscretions to boot. You can not like a woman that is fine, but to bring to a level of witch hunt that it is at, is the very reason why some other women cry foul (aside from the WaPo polls that mention a majority of the haters are white male and reason to also cry foul). Not to mention the angsty anger to see some one fail so hard and spectacularly it scary for other reasons for me, but I digress. Because all of the sudden I see it around me. I feel the resentment towards women in general by so many. Women people do not know, women people do know, the woman who succeeds is the woman seen as bitch or unlikable and so on and so on. I see how hard some of my friends have to work. I see how big of a struggle it is for women to please people, any people, these days. I feel the asinine childlike behavior of a man having a tantrum because a lady doesn't want a second date, or because someone turned him down for a drink. And I love it, because the first men who are going to get angry with this post are probably exactly what I am talking about.
So I wanted to write this because the LVACWS (Louis Vuitton Ameica's Cup World Series) event is coming to Chicago next week. It is an event designed to spread awareness of sailing, a rich white mans sport. However, there are no minorities in the event, and no women sailors. How are you going to spread interest when you shut out the NEW MAJORITY of people in this county? In a climate where everyone is fearful that something is being taken away from them, where their ideas of victimization are trumped up (haha yeah that was a pun) we need to be vigilant in making sure that we take what is ours, that we fight for our right to participate FULLY in this country. Where we can be so successful yet so far away from the top prize is indicative that we have a long long way to go. For the women out there who do not believe me, or think I am some ranting lunatic liberal, think about it the next time a man looks at you a little too long or catcalls you. He thinks he is entitled to you and why do you think that is? This is still just a mans world and we are only living it.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Giving Up the Gun
There is a Vampire Weekend song from a few years ago that I just absolutely love. Anytime it comes on, it consumes me. Therefore it is on my running playlist, workout playlist, chilling out playlist, and party playlist. So when it came on in my car on a long drive to Minnesota a few weeks ago, I took the moment, turned up the volume and of course karaoked it, loud. Imagine my surprise when at 7 am, having driven 2.5 hours already, I came to the realization that I was getting the point of that song totally wrong all these years. In this time period in my life, when 2016 just keeps knocking me down, I realized that Giving Up the Gun isn't about fading glory but trying to reclaim a piece of yourself that you may have forgotten or gave up along the way. It is about forgetting who we are in this world and about who we become in order to survive, thrive, or claw our way up. I hit repeat and sure enough, "Your sword's grown old and rusty, Burnt beneath the rising sun, It's locked up like a trophy, Forgetting all the things it's done."
After months of not only outright rejection, but of also not even being acknowledged, it is hard to not feel like the person in the song. "And though it's been a long time, You're right back where you started from." How can my eyes not get a little watery? Despite it being a lot teenager-esque in nature, here it felt like Ezra Koenig was singing right into my soul. But once this realization came, so did a lot more, mainly I just do what I am doing anymore. I metaphorically cannot play this game like everyone else does, with a gun. I need a different tool, something I am good at, something I have had success with in the past. Whatever my "sword" is, it must be very corroded. I also can't figure it out or find it, like our fireproof safe key when I hid it in the sub woofer and forgot that is where I put it. So despite the helpful comments from friends and family, you know those pesky things I need to work on that I can't seem to drop like bad habits no matter how hard I try because I think they are just a part of me. Like, needing to be lest honest, less outspoken, swear less, sell myself better, "use my network," work harder, and societies general screw you to women, you know prettier, thinner, quieter, and soft-spoken and despite years of trying to be different, it just is not me.
I tried at age 19 to be better, to be awesome, to be the thing that was needed and I failed miserably. I spent the rest of my early twenties proving that the failure was fine and I could just do everything on my own and I was really good at that. I never missed rent, or tuition payments, and I was always able to buy my books. I did that for a majority of my twenties, until the crazed maniac I ended up working for finally got to me. Then I spent the rest of my twenties trying to prove that I was smart, despite being a loud mouthed blonde. And I did it again by getting a masters degree while still working, though I had a safety net called Ed to fall back on. Ever since then, because I am what I am (unappealing to the professional world), I just do what people have been expecting. Work. Jobs, any jobs. And for what? So, now here I am back at square one and I am ready to give up the gun, because in truth, it is not what I am good at and I want that to be OK.
Because, this whole time I have done so many cool things most people will never get to do, nor want to do (and that is also OK, we have choices). I learned, and am still learning, to sail. Subsequently I have traversed Lake Michigan the long way 6 and a half times, with a few storms. I have sailed in Key West, Lake Dillon, CO during a "micro-burst", the Chesapeake Bay in a hurricane, and most recently amazing Antigua. I have been trying to explore the world one place at a time and have been lucky enough to even repeat visits to some of my favorite places. I have met people from all over the world. I can make friends in so many places I go, it is not for lack of emotional intelligence (or my fatal flaws according to American and the puritanical midwest) on my part, nor survival skills. I have gotten to go to some awesome music festivals, with some awesome people, and have been included in some pretty cool events. There is this whole giant world out there that turns and goes through the same hours and minutes as our day. While I am eating lunch at 1 pm here, someone in Sydney, Australia is sleeping or just getting up for a really early morning at work tomorrow. In Amsterdam someone is putting their kids to bed and in Reykjavik someone is just sitting down for dinner.
These experiences and thoughts are of such insignificant nature in our society, that it is clear that not only am I using the wrong tool, I am probably using it improperly, and more so my wiring is not apparently not right. And I get it, it is where all the well intended advice comes from. My friends and family want me to succeed, they want me to use the tool that they have been successfully wielding, it is just I am expected to start all over again, again, and again. We are supposed to grateful for any opportunity no matter what it is and that we get what we deserve, and deserve what we get good or bad. But, the world turns and it just feels like it does not have to be that way. We have agency but our system makes it so that we are mostly dependent on other people's actions or inaction's and superficial judgements. So I just want to take a step in the opposite direction. It is probably the wrong thing to do, because of my nature I seem to do the wrong thing anyway. I am too honest, but I can't play games because I am too competitive and that also hasn't worked well for me so...... I need to find my own tool, the thing I can use to find my place in this world. Then and only then can I hopefully "shine" in my way.
After months of not only outright rejection, but of also not even being acknowledged, it is hard to not feel like the person in the song. "And though it's been a long time, You're right back where you started from." How can my eyes not get a little watery? Despite it being a lot teenager-esque in nature, here it felt like Ezra Koenig was singing right into my soul. But once this realization came, so did a lot more, mainly I just do what I am doing anymore. I metaphorically cannot play this game like everyone else does, with a gun. I need a different tool, something I am good at, something I have had success with in the past. Whatever my "sword" is, it must be very corroded. I also can't figure it out or find it, like our fireproof safe key when I hid it in the sub woofer and forgot that is where I put it. So despite the helpful comments from friends and family, you know those pesky things I need to work on that I can't seem to drop like bad habits no matter how hard I try because I think they are just a part of me. Like, needing to be lest honest, less outspoken, swear less, sell myself better, "use my network," work harder, and societies general screw you to women, you know prettier, thinner, quieter, and soft-spoken and despite years of trying to be different, it just is not me.
I tried at age 19 to be better, to be awesome, to be the thing that was needed and I failed miserably. I spent the rest of my early twenties proving that the failure was fine and I could just do everything on my own and I was really good at that. I never missed rent, or tuition payments, and I was always able to buy my books. I did that for a majority of my twenties, until the crazed maniac I ended up working for finally got to me. Then I spent the rest of my twenties trying to prove that I was smart, despite being a loud mouthed blonde. And I did it again by getting a masters degree while still working, though I had a safety net called Ed to fall back on. Ever since then, because I am what I am (unappealing to the professional world), I just do what people have been expecting. Work. Jobs, any jobs. And for what? So, now here I am back at square one and I am ready to give up the gun, because in truth, it is not what I am good at and I want that to be OK.
Because, this whole time I have done so many cool things most people will never get to do, nor want to do (and that is also OK, we have choices). I learned, and am still learning, to sail. Subsequently I have traversed Lake Michigan the long way 6 and a half times, with a few storms. I have sailed in Key West, Lake Dillon, CO during a "micro-burst", the Chesapeake Bay in a hurricane, and most recently amazing Antigua. I have been trying to explore the world one place at a time and have been lucky enough to even repeat visits to some of my favorite places. I have met people from all over the world. I can make friends in so many places I go, it is not for lack of emotional intelligence (or my fatal flaws according to American and the puritanical midwest) on my part, nor survival skills. I have gotten to go to some awesome music festivals, with some awesome people, and have been included in some pretty cool events. There is this whole giant world out there that turns and goes through the same hours and minutes as our day. While I am eating lunch at 1 pm here, someone in Sydney, Australia is sleeping or just getting up for a really early morning at work tomorrow. In Amsterdam someone is putting their kids to bed and in Reykjavik someone is just sitting down for dinner.
These experiences and thoughts are of such insignificant nature in our society, that it is clear that not only am I using the wrong tool, I am probably using it improperly, and more so my wiring is not apparently not right. And I get it, it is where all the well intended advice comes from. My friends and family want me to succeed, they want me to use the tool that they have been successfully wielding, it is just I am expected to start all over again, again, and again. We are supposed to grateful for any opportunity no matter what it is and that we get what we deserve, and deserve what we get good or bad. But, the world turns and it just feels like it does not have to be that way. We have agency but our system makes it so that we are mostly dependent on other people's actions or inaction's and superficial judgements. So I just want to take a step in the opposite direction. It is probably the wrong thing to do, because of my nature I seem to do the wrong thing anyway. I am too honest, but I can't play games because I am too competitive and that also hasn't worked well for me so...... I need to find my own tool, the thing I can use to find my place in this world. Then and only then can I hopefully "shine" in my way.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
My Sisters and My Sisters
Lucky is definitely how I would describe myself in terms of my family. I have not one, not two, but three amazing sisters. Three automatic best friends who have to love me because they are family. I kid :) We get a long great (as adults) and I am thankful for our relationship with each other every day. It is also the template I use in all of my relationships with other women, which is great and sucky at the same time. I have also been lucky enough to be a teammate to some amazing women, and those relationships can at times be astonishingly similar to having sisters and I find myself being doubly lucky to be able to pick up contact with them like we haven't gone a month without talking. We have been through a lot together. Literal blood, sweat, and tears....as well team showers and team bathroom breaks (wink wink). It is another template I use to navigate my relationships with other women, it is also great and also sucky. What is awesome about getting older is that I can start to see the forest for the trees in so many of my relationships and it doesn't make hard or hurt feelings or regret any better, but at least I can understand a little more. That not everything is due to my own shortcomings. You see, I go in with intensity, I stay in it with intensity, I love fiercely, and I forget failings in rapid succession (which drives my amazing husband crazy). It makes me take things so personally. It used to be hard for me to understand that obviously people are different, so not everyone does this, and it is further exacerbated by the 3 women and old teammates that constantly have my back because they have seen me at my worst, be it my emotional worst, or my worst towards them. I have made amends with them and they with me so many times all we have left of our relationships is truth and love and that is truly something to be grateful for. However, it makes navigating my adult relationships, relationships I hold so dear to my heart, a little trickier. Feelings are difficult, situation are complex, and the dynamics are effected by outside stressors. The relationships are just baby plants still trying to grow. They can be turned off by my worst, offended by my perceived slights of character, or just looking for an out. 
So, I felt like I needed to write this because I see so many articles, posts, memes, or screeds about how it is OK to move on from friendships, that we out-grow each other, etc....We see on TV how often women treat each horribly from the Real Housewife franchise, to dramas, to celebrity news. We experience it in real life still unfortunately. One of my good guy friends often starts his advise by saying, "There is no one more awful to women than other women." Not only do I want this to be untrue, I want to live the exact opposite. It is why I give a wide berth to drama, it is why I can forgive my friends for almost any perceived offense (even if it is a courtesy not afforded to me), it is why I try so hard to treat my girlfriends like they are my sisters or teammates. It is why I fight for my relationships and will continue to do so. I have been through so many fun times, so many not just hard but horrible times, so many milestones with so many women that there is nothing I can do but fight for my friendships. The hard part about friendship as adults is that we can only hope that the other person feels the same way and that can be heartbreaking. 
A new friend of mine who is a bit younger is going through one of the worst times in a young woman's life. It might sound melodramatic, but, when all of your friends are getting married and/or having kids and you are not, it is the time when you start to get left behind. I have been lucky to have a few "older" friends give me the advice to hang in there, that yeah it gets really shitty and really really hurtful for most of your thirties, but in your forties, some of those friends come back. And look, no one ever expect to be as important as a husband or kid, but it does not make the pill any easier to swallow. I will hang in there because I refuse to believe that all of my friends who are on a different life path are suddenly a totally different person and we no longer have anything in common. It is an asinine notion to me that someone I was drinking wine with 2 years ago no longer likes that, someone who shared a meal with me a year ago, no longer likes to eat. That our mutual investment of time and love into each other was cheap and not priceless. And hey I get it, it might be asinine for me to actually think we still have things in common when things change in our life, but I do not want believe everything we shared has been in vain. I do not believe that people come in and our of our lives for a purpose then leave. Some do, but relationships where time has been invested, love shared, experiences had, those can last a lifetime. Or at least, I would love for them to last a lifetime. So, I told my friend to hang in there, that it will hurt and your hurt feelings will not be acknowledged. But, are you willing to brush it off in hopes that you can salvage what you hold dear and persevere through this period of time?
 |
| These three!! |
We give up so much in our lives. We waste time doing things that in the grand scheme do not really matter. None of the time we give to others should ever be a waste and maybe we need to get rid of this idea that people, like material objects, are disposable because I try (I might fail but I try) to make all of my friends feel like they are more than worthy of my time and love. It is something I have spent years working on, something I hold very high in value. That might not mean anything to some people, but I do know it important, so I will keep trying. I will keep fighting for my friendships, old and new. I will continue to NOT be overwhelmed by having many friends, because I do not see that as a burden, I see it as a gift. We do have a lot to give, sometimes we will not receive just compensation, but sometimes we will not be able to give back what others gave us. We need to stop expecting perfection from friendships, but be grateful for what that other person is offering us, because we cannot always offer the same. Sometimes we need to wait, sometimes we will be put on the back burner (despite our own problems), sometimes we need to be there and other times we need to give space. But, offering yourself to another person is never a waste of time. There are so many forms of love, I want all of my family and friends to feel that there is at least one person out there who will be there. Because I am lucky enough to feel that from my three sisters and because, my friends, you are all also my sisters. 
*I tried to pick pictures where my everyone looks awesome....it was hard. I also missed a ton of new and old amazing friends that I have had the pleasure of spending the past few years with, but a certain someone complains that my posts are too long-
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
The Fear
Because too many of our national leaders are not talking about this productively and because this is my country and I am tired of their effect on it, I decided to write this post. Because I am tired that the people of this nation continually have their emotions and fears exploited, I decided to write this post. Because I am tired of this default rhetoric and the fact that it helps absolutely nothing, ever, I am writing this post. Because Brussels and all of Belgium and all of Europe need our support and not impotent bluster, I am writing this post. Because I stand with the people of this world against TERRORISM and ISIS, I am writing this post. But, most of all, because too many of our national leaders continually fail at moving forward with a solution and because they are too busy assigning blame on a religion and not on people, I decided to write this post.
First of all, when people lose their life to gun violence in the United States, strong advocates of the second amendment are quick to point out that guns do not kill people, people kill people. Semantics, shemantics right. So, a religion is not a living object either, so is it not right then to say Islam does not kill people, people kill people. That is all these terrorist are, plain old people. Cowardly people, but people none the less, who are co-opting and perverting a religion. So when Mr. Cruz blows hard making sure we denounce them and their religion and "cracking down" on all the other people with the same religion, how come we do not do the same things to people who own guns in this country when a "radical gun owner" decides to go postal on their workplace?
Secondly, I stand with Belgium, and France, and Germany, and all of Europe. What ISIS is attacking is our ability to live in an open and free society. They want people to cower in fear, there is nothing else they can do but threaten fear. They cannot fight fair, they cannot withstand attacks, and they most certainly cannot win a fight against a real military. What happened today was an attack on our open and democratic society it must not be made into a platform for the exploitation of fear. If we, everyone in our civilized society, stand together they cannot make us cower in fear and they lose their power. Because fear is a powerful thing. By Mr. Trump and Mr. Cruz calling for division and exploiting people's fears they are doing the work for ISIS. Fear is their main objective, emotionally and mentally immature will fall for it, and demagogues will mistakenly think they can corral that fear into power. Fear will be our downfall.
I will never cower in fear. I will continue to travel this world either alone, with my husband and you bet I will continue to encourage my friends to take trips with me. During the Paris attacks I was in Scotland, during 9/11 I was 6 hours away from my family freshman year of college in an unfamiliar city, and my husband and I were in downtown Sydney 10 days after the 2014 attack. It does not matter what the incident is, terrorism will never stifle my need to see the world or connect with new people. They will never conquer my need to live, they will never make me cower in fear, and most of all, they will never ever cause me to turn on my fellow man who are innocent. They will never cause me to turn my back on people in need just because I am fearful. Their actions will never cease my will to see the world and they will never in a million years make me fear living in our open and democratic society. Terrorist can and will be defeated. When we stand together, strong and united, their power is greatly diminished. When we focus on their real intent, which has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with fear and power, we come closer to a real plan to defeat them. Because what they are attacking is our civilization, not our religion or lack their of, but our way of life. To live in fear is to submit and that is not something I am willing to do and I ask you all to do the same.
First of all, when people lose their life to gun violence in the United States, strong advocates of the second amendment are quick to point out that guns do not kill people, people kill people. Semantics, shemantics right. So, a religion is not a living object either, so is it not right then to say Islam does not kill people, people kill people. That is all these terrorist are, plain old people. Cowardly people, but people none the less, who are co-opting and perverting a religion. So when Mr. Cruz blows hard making sure we denounce them and their religion and "cracking down" on all the other people with the same religion, how come we do not do the same things to people who own guns in this country when a "radical gun owner" decides to go postal on their workplace?
Secondly, I stand with Belgium, and France, and Germany, and all of Europe. What ISIS is attacking is our ability to live in an open and free society. They want people to cower in fear, there is nothing else they can do but threaten fear. They cannot fight fair, they cannot withstand attacks, and they most certainly cannot win a fight against a real military. What happened today was an attack on our open and democratic society it must not be made into a platform for the exploitation of fear. If we, everyone in our civilized society, stand together they cannot make us cower in fear and they lose their power. Because fear is a powerful thing. By Mr. Trump and Mr. Cruz calling for division and exploiting people's fears they are doing the work for ISIS. Fear is their main objective, emotionally and mentally immature will fall for it, and demagogues will mistakenly think they can corral that fear into power. Fear will be our downfall.
I will never cower in fear. I will continue to travel this world either alone, with my husband and you bet I will continue to encourage my friends to take trips with me. During the Paris attacks I was in Scotland, during 9/11 I was 6 hours away from my family freshman year of college in an unfamiliar city, and my husband and I were in downtown Sydney 10 days after the 2014 attack. It does not matter what the incident is, terrorism will never stifle my need to see the world or connect with new people. They will never conquer my need to live, they will never make me cower in fear, and most of all, they will never ever cause me to turn on my fellow man who are innocent. They will never cause me to turn my back on people in need just because I am fearful. Their actions will never cease my will to see the world and they will never in a million years make me fear living in our open and democratic society. Terrorist can and will be defeated. When we stand together, strong and united, their power is greatly diminished. When we focus on their real intent, which has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with fear and power, we come closer to a real plan to defeat them. Because what they are attacking is our civilization, not our religion or lack their of, but our way of life. To live in fear is to submit and that is not something I am willing to do and I ask you all to do the same.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Wino Wednesdays
I usually save my Wednesday's for the mid-week feelings of self-loathing and despair. You know it is almost Thursday, one day from Friday and the freedom of the weekend. It is where you see that all your efforts from Monday and Tuesday have not paid off and it feels like you are back at square one. The Joe vs the Volcano rat race us Americans absolutely adore, the safety and drudgery of the day to day grind is at its peak. I am pretty sure it is the reason Wino Wednesday's were invented, it is the perfect self-loathing drink. It makes you feel intelligent and sophisticated when you are not, increasing your confidence for the remainder of the week. You might go to work hungover on Thursday but, damn it, there was a break through last night and as you swished that wine in your mouth, trying to find all the floral and fruity notes, you thought to yourself, "I am better than this" and off you went back to the grind Thursday morning. Rejuvenated from the bullshit you were able to feed yourself the night before about actually being able to taste the floral and fruity notes. But, not today my friends. This Wednesday I find myself full of incredulity.
in·cre·du·li·ty
ËŒinkrəˈd(y)o͞olÉ™dÄ“/
noun
noun: incredulity
the state of being unwilling or unable to believe something.
It is a feeling we all know too well. In fact my brother-in-law and I often go round and round about our incredulous feelings about how someone so dumb could be so rich, or how so many people in Chicago apparently make shit-loads of money when they can't even parallel park their G-Wagon or drive properly. The fact that an 18/19 year old reality star makes so much money simply off her name she is trying to trademark it despite a visible lack of any real talent. You know, those little things that are so contradictory it drives you insane. The amazing guy with a basic woman, the amazing woman with an asshole of a guy, the amazing ability of your chronically unemployed neighbor, who still drinks milk from a carton, to go about life like he is even remotely normal. All of it is just so hard to believe sometimes, it honestly makes me wonder if I am slowly going insane. The kind where you do not know you are crazy, like Leo ala Shutter Island.
Just today for example, my husband told me that at his work they remodeled a floor of offices and did not replace the garbage cans at the desks. Apparently they just throw the garbage on the floor, I found this concept insane...according to him I am in the minority. A girl pulled over with over 100 pounds of marijuana in her car, along with countless edibles, only given 2 years probation and a thousand dollar fine. Trump and Cruz are the leading Republican nominees. I mean for God's sake, The Bachelor is actually still on air and the Real Housewives are still a thing. The list goes on and on and on. All of this is compounded by ridiculous Facebook posts and other social media platforms where we are not even humble bragging anymore but out right bragging and people love it. They eat it up. I truly believe some days that I am just not meant for these times. Everything is taken to the extreme and has high stakes consequences all with little meaning.
We are not living in reality in any sense of the word. I am tired of wading around in the shallow end of the pool, but it is easier to keep the masses there. I am incredulous about all the above, but also at the idea that it is easier for us to be so flippant about our world it sometimes feels like we are living in a Cringe Comedy movie. I think back 20 years and Jerry Seinfeld hit the nail on the head, people want a show about nothing, it is such a metaphor for life. It is not that things have to necessarily be heavy or deep all the time, but if you truly believe in a higher power or karma you should be worried. Because it feels like the inmates are running the asylum and they are getting rewarded on top of it and it is because we are drawn into the crappiness of all of it.
I am incredulous because there are so many amazing things happening each day that should the in our periphery. Real kids who are changing the world like the student protesters who are being continually assaulted at Trump rallies, real moms/wives starting and running amazing businesses from the ground up. Legit politicians who are still trying to do the right thing for the people, socially responsible companies, activist investors. People who care, people who have real talent, people who matter silently walking behind all of this and pick up the garbage that is thrown on the floor and the least we could do is see them. It would be awesome if we attach the real value to celebrity. It would be awesome if our criminal justice system was fair to everyone. It would be down right morally up-lifting if our economy worked the way it was meant to. We may complain about our political system, but it starts with us. Everything comes back to us, what do we consume and why. I am simply here today to say that I am tired of consuming what is offered in the shallow end of the pool. I am swimming for deeper waters because that is where so many of us belong and what we deserve. So please, let put the inmates back in their cages where they belong. Lets stop consuming their BS.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Perspective
So, I know that the "open letter" by the chick from Yelp is almost a week old and the response from the bartender/writer lady went viral on Monday, and there has been many other accompanying articles, but the all are missing something. So, I also keep reading the comments on all the articles about this subject trying to find it and am just appalled by the mindset of so many people in the country. It pains me especially because they all are missing the one thing that could turn their arguments into solution. That one thing is perspective.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, has their own anecdotal story. The story about their own life, their own journey and the path they took, but it is just theirs. That is what makes it anecdotal. Nobody else has the experience and I am getting the sneaking suspicion that there may be something wrong with me, since I tend to see more than one side. It is not a "millennial" problem, it is not a story of getting rewarded for hard work, it is not a story about a how bad corporations are, it is a story about the systematic failure of our economic system that has been trudging along this trajectory for at least 40 years. We can all find ways to work within this new framework, while simultaneously working for change. Some people have and are really good at it. Some people are not, and I will be the first to admit that, I guess I am just not good at it. Which is probably why I am more sympathetic to all sides of the argument.
I have been working since the age of 11 and at the age of 33 I am making 100% less than I was at 25, and have varied somewhere between 0-60% in the intervening years. It is not because I do not want to work, but because I literally do not know how to make these "opportunities" or "chances" for myself like the bartender/writer lady. I am not inept, or lazy, or dumb, or entitled. I am pretty sure, despite applying for job after job everyday that I can even get someone to actually read my resume. I just do not have a family friend to pick me up when I am down. However, unlike the Yelp chick, I have always worked multiple jobs to support myself. Jobs I have not always enjoyed or been proud of, and I will have to do that again soon. Which takes away experience and wages I should be getting perpetuating this horrible career tilt-a-whirl I am on. So, I get how frustrating their stories are to each other. But it is not as easy as being one way or the other and like I said before it certainly has nothing to do with generational differences.
Wages have been stagnating for years. Baby boomers cannot afford to retire or they cannot afford to give up their benefits. Gen-Xer's are stuck in middle management because of this with kids rapidly approaching college days that they cannot afford and many Millennials are in entry level jobs and cannot keep up with their cost of living which has dramatically increased in the past 2 decades. (I am 33 and yes when I started driving gas was still less than $1 a gallon in 2008 it was almost $4 a gallon.) I guess my point is that we are all get screwed by the current situation. I am relying on a robot to read my resume, you might be relying on that person that just won't retire to get a desperately needed promotion or raise, and your neighbor might only be working because they lost their retirement saving in the 2008 financial collapse. It is all a freaking tilt-a-whirl and I think we owe some grace to each other, if not a hand.
So why this one-ups-man-ship about who is getting screwed over worse and why? Is it a corporations problem if the cost of living somewhere is unattainable in relation to their entry-level wages? Probably not. But, it is something we should be working to figure out instead of crapping on one another over who is better, works harder, or who has it worse. And scarily that seems to be a novel thought. It is one thing to give advice and support to someone struggling, and it is more than fair to give kudos to those are on the up and up, I am not sure why it has to be either or for everything in this country. From my perspective I just feel like we should be less inclined to constantly criticize or ignore our problems and more open to realizing that everyone has had different experiences, different opportunities and as a result a different path in front of them. Negative criticism begets nothing, positive criticism can result in an idea. But then again, I will probably get crucified for thinking differently than someone else. It is what we do best-
Everyone, and I mean everyone, has their own anecdotal story. The story about their own life, their own journey and the path they took, but it is just theirs. That is what makes it anecdotal. Nobody else has the experience and I am getting the sneaking suspicion that there may be something wrong with me, since I tend to see more than one side. It is not a "millennial" problem, it is not a story of getting rewarded for hard work, it is not a story about a how bad corporations are, it is a story about the systematic failure of our economic system that has been trudging along this trajectory for at least 40 years. We can all find ways to work within this new framework, while simultaneously working for change. Some people have and are really good at it. Some people are not, and I will be the first to admit that, I guess I am just not good at it. Which is probably why I am more sympathetic to all sides of the argument.
I have been working since the age of 11 and at the age of 33 I am making 100% less than I was at 25, and have varied somewhere between 0-60% in the intervening years. It is not because I do not want to work, but because I literally do not know how to make these "opportunities" or "chances" for myself like the bartender/writer lady. I am not inept, or lazy, or dumb, or entitled. I am pretty sure, despite applying for job after job everyday that I can even get someone to actually read my resume. I just do not have a family friend to pick me up when I am down. However, unlike the Yelp chick, I have always worked multiple jobs to support myself. Jobs I have not always enjoyed or been proud of, and I will have to do that again soon. Which takes away experience and wages I should be getting perpetuating this horrible career tilt-a-whirl I am on. So, I get how frustrating their stories are to each other. But it is not as easy as being one way or the other and like I said before it certainly has nothing to do with generational differences.
Wages have been stagnating for years. Baby boomers cannot afford to retire or they cannot afford to give up their benefits. Gen-Xer's are stuck in middle management because of this with kids rapidly approaching college days that they cannot afford and many Millennials are in entry level jobs and cannot keep up with their cost of living which has dramatically increased in the past 2 decades. (I am 33 and yes when I started driving gas was still less than $1 a gallon in 2008 it was almost $4 a gallon.) I guess my point is that we are all get screwed by the current situation. I am relying on a robot to read my resume, you might be relying on that person that just won't retire to get a desperately needed promotion or raise, and your neighbor might only be working because they lost their retirement saving in the 2008 financial collapse. It is all a freaking tilt-a-whirl and I think we owe some grace to each other, if not a hand.
So why this one-ups-man-ship about who is getting screwed over worse and why? Is it a corporations problem if the cost of living somewhere is unattainable in relation to their entry-level wages? Probably not. But, it is something we should be working to figure out instead of crapping on one another over who is better, works harder, or who has it worse. And scarily that seems to be a novel thought. It is one thing to give advice and support to someone struggling, and it is more than fair to give kudos to those are on the up and up, I am not sure why it has to be either or for everything in this country. From my perspective I just feel like we should be less inclined to constantly criticize or ignore our problems and more open to realizing that everyone has had different experiences, different opportunities and as a result a different path in front of them. Negative criticism begets nothing, positive criticism can result in an idea. But then again, I will probably get crucified for thinking differently than someone else. It is what we do best-
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Recylced Arguements, Recycled Emotions
I am a big proponent of emotions and feelings. In fact, I have a Spanish word similar to Passion tattooed on my left arm. In a world where cold hard technology is revered like a god, my love of the human condition we know as emotions grow with each passing day. It is amazing when you get the 'feels' or the overwhelming urge to burst with passion when you are doing something you love. I would like to believe that feelings make the world go round. All of that being well and good, however, there is also a time when relying on feelings and emotions can be, well, dangerous.
For example, obviously dark, negative feelings do not always lead to good outcomes. Sometimes we let emotions cloud our judgements, not always a big deal at all, but when we let it course through our veins and let it consume us, then we have a problem. And I am here to tell you all, the Democratic Party has a problem. And, I am saying this as an undecided voter who is struggling to remain above her emotions to make the right decision in a few weeks. But listening to Bernie Sanders' supporters weep with euphoria in New Hampshire, I get the nagging suspicion that despite Laurel and Hardy-esque nature of the Republican Primary, the Democratic Party may end up screwing itself over, again...It seems, Democrats have now let emotions rule the day. People are offended, on both sides. When people are offended, especially Democrats all hell breaks loose.
So, emotions how does this tie into the Democratic Primary race you ask?? Well it is simple, Bernie is definitely playing on emotions, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. He is passionately against wealth inequality, I think we all are. However, the biggest and worst mistake he is making hands down is letting his supporters attack Hillary Clinton personally and very emotionally and not just her policies. When millennials in New Hampshire were asked why they did not like Hillary they cited things like, how "establishment" she was, how big of a liar she is, how corrupt she is, how uncaring she is. Many women were resentful and offended at the fact that they felt pressured to vote for her because she was a woman and how off-putting it was that, because they both had V's, their V was nothing like Hillary's and how dare they suggest so. (I will admit, that is a clumsy stance not being snuffed out by Hillary's campaign.)
So my honest question is, to both Bernie, and Hillary's campaign, where does that leave the Democratic Party after the primaries? How can you overcome the pure hatred directed towards Hillary in this campaign? The offense so many millennials feel towards Hillary? And I will admit, it is something I do not understand. It is not something I necessarily want to understand. I will also admit, the more Hillary is attacked for her personality, the alleged egregious acts she has been accused of committing by the Republican Party for years recycled over and over again, the more people move away from policy issues, the more I want to vote for her because she is fighting. She is fighting a battle on so many sides and now the one side who should be battling her for her policies, pushing her to go farther, are using the same emotional blackmail against her as well. It is slightly off-putting to hear young women in their twenties come out so anti-Hillary at such a primitive and gut level, I will say it again....where does that leave the party? I am just not sure you can get over those feelings and the Democratic leadership should be scared. Bernie Sanders should say something because it leaves us with a scary scenario. Hillary Clinton wins the primary, Michael Bloomberg jumps into the race as an Independent, all these people who aggressively despise Hillary Clinton just for being Hillary Clinton, vote for him and the next thing you know we are all watching President Trump's inauguration.
Can we get past the feelings? Can we stop attacking someone as a liar, a cheat, or corrupt politician who has been playing the game like everyone, and I mean everyone, else? How about we say, "Well, I do not think she goes far enough when it comes to domestic policy in regards to healthcare." Instead of, "She is a lying bitch who takes money from the healthcare industry so who do you think she is going to be in favor of?" Because at the very least, that is disingenuous logic and at the worst you are debasing a very legitimate candidate with emotional rhetoric that could have an after-effect you did not intend. So whom ever you are going to vote for, hows about we keep calm, passionately support our candidates in a constructive way and contribute to good stewardship of a democracy. Our country has a tendency to go off the rails and if you do not believe me, just look at the Republican Presidential primary.
For example, obviously dark, negative feelings do not always lead to good outcomes. Sometimes we let emotions cloud our judgements, not always a big deal at all, but when we let it course through our veins and let it consume us, then we have a problem. And I am here to tell you all, the Democratic Party has a problem. And, I am saying this as an undecided voter who is struggling to remain above her emotions to make the right decision in a few weeks. But listening to Bernie Sanders' supporters weep with euphoria in New Hampshire, I get the nagging suspicion that despite Laurel and Hardy-esque nature of the Republican Primary, the Democratic Party may end up screwing itself over, again...It seems, Democrats have now let emotions rule the day. People are offended, on both sides. When people are offended, especially Democrats all hell breaks loose.
So, emotions how does this tie into the Democratic Primary race you ask?? Well it is simple, Bernie is definitely playing on emotions, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. He is passionately against wealth inequality, I think we all are. However, the biggest and worst mistake he is making hands down is letting his supporters attack Hillary Clinton personally and very emotionally and not just her policies. When millennials in New Hampshire were asked why they did not like Hillary they cited things like, how "establishment" she was, how big of a liar she is, how corrupt she is, how uncaring she is. Many women were resentful and offended at the fact that they felt pressured to vote for her because she was a woman and how off-putting it was that, because they both had V's, their V was nothing like Hillary's and how dare they suggest so. (I will admit, that is a clumsy stance not being snuffed out by Hillary's campaign.)
So my honest question is, to both Bernie, and Hillary's campaign, where does that leave the Democratic Party after the primaries? How can you overcome the pure hatred directed towards Hillary in this campaign? The offense so many millennials feel towards Hillary? And I will admit, it is something I do not understand. It is not something I necessarily want to understand. I will also admit, the more Hillary is attacked for her personality, the alleged egregious acts she has been accused of committing by the Republican Party for years recycled over and over again, the more people move away from policy issues, the more I want to vote for her because she is fighting. She is fighting a battle on so many sides and now the one side who should be battling her for her policies, pushing her to go farther, are using the same emotional blackmail against her as well. It is slightly off-putting to hear young women in their twenties come out so anti-Hillary at such a primitive and gut level, I will say it again....where does that leave the party? I am just not sure you can get over those feelings and the Democratic leadership should be scared. Bernie Sanders should say something because it leaves us with a scary scenario. Hillary Clinton wins the primary, Michael Bloomberg jumps into the race as an Independent, all these people who aggressively despise Hillary Clinton just for being Hillary Clinton, vote for him and the next thing you know we are all watching President Trump's inauguration.
Can we get past the feelings? Can we stop attacking someone as a liar, a cheat, or corrupt politician who has been playing the game like everyone, and I mean everyone, else? How about we say, "Well, I do not think she goes far enough when it comes to domestic policy in regards to healthcare." Instead of, "She is a lying bitch who takes money from the healthcare industry so who do you think she is going to be in favor of?" Because at the very least, that is disingenuous logic and at the worst you are debasing a very legitimate candidate with emotional rhetoric that could have an after-effect you did not intend. So whom ever you are going to vote for, hows about we keep calm, passionately support our candidates in a constructive way and contribute to good stewardship of a democracy. Our country has a tendency to go off the rails and if you do not believe me, just look at the Republican Presidential primary.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Return of the Princess Who Drinks Wine: Won't Stop, Can't Stop
There are so many awesome things happening this Saturday. My little sister's birthday, for one. The Polar Plunge fundraiser in Kenosha for a second thing. Mitten Fest in Milwaukee at Burnhearts for a third. But, the big one, the supposed international meet-up of the manosphere ridiculous MRA (Men's Rights Activists) group "Return of the Kings." (SCREECH) What? Yep, though most events have been allegedly cancelled due to the amazingly awesome amount of push back, the group planned an international meet-up in cities throughout the world. Now, I highly doubt these delusional anger-bombs who mistakenly blame women for all of their personal short-comings, actually cancelled their meetings. They probably have some super top secret way to contact each other that is only visible to those with an angry unused penis and idle hands and an over abundance of hurt feelings.
I first heard about these "meetings" (possible circle jerks?) from the protests articles in Glasgow, then much to my surprise the local news (yep, they were going to meet up at the Brat Stop, where the Polar Plunge fundraiser was happening....super classy guys) and last night saw the petition to keep the leader Roosh V. out of Australia. Now, I do not think we should be stopping these meetings from happening, after all just because they hate women and advocate for legal rape (The supporters claim it was a satirical piece written by Mr. V, but it is disgusting even if satirical. How about I write a satirical piece about making it legal to cut-off a mans junk in order to stop rape all together. Is that funny? Is it funny to make a joke out of those who have been victimized?) doesn't mean that they can't get together and really see who their fellow women haters are. Or for us to see who they are as well. But that is besides the point, my point is to spread the fact that this group even exists and has followers all over the world. Because this my friends, is why I roll my eyes at the idiots who say feminism is bad word, and that feminism shouldn't exist anymore. This right here is why I am annoyed beyond no end for those who call women fighting for our right to exist in this society as equals, femi-nazis. This is why I want to point out that it is mostly anger spewing from people's mouths when a woman calls them out, zero recognition of a valid point. This is why I want to throat punch you when you call a woman crazy for stating her opinion, or over-emotional for being passionate about something.
To further compile on the annoyance this week, the CDC announced that all women between the ages of 15-44 who are not on birth control should abstain from drinking. Their point?? The baby, OMG we can't hurt the hypothetical babies that don't exist. What I hear, "Hey ladies, because we think that you are that dumb and remember we always cater the lowest common denominator because yes, we still think all women have brains half the size of men (this is a female Dr. talking by the way) you should just abstain from drinking if you are not on birth control because you are too clearly dumb to figure out your cycle, know your bodies and more importantly make your own decisions about your own body and your own lives." Obviously my automatic response to this is wanting to go to Atlanta, stand outside the CDC building with a sign saying, "Hey Dr. Anne Shuchat! 33 here, proudly not on birth control, and boning like crazy" while I chug 40 ounce after 40 ounce of Negro Modelo. Because god forbid it is my choice which chemical and hormones I put into my body. Not to mention my mental capacity to figure out my cycle and plan accordingly must be totally mythical to them because come on women aren't that smart am I right?!?! Why not tell my husband to keep his hands to himself when?? Tell men to also stop drinking because most drunk men think they are horny, there boom problem solved. But God-forbid men ever get a "behavioral recommendation" that shames them in anyway. If they did they would all probably run to the MRAs screaming discrimination. But us, we have to be sober, keep our legs and mouths shut.
These are two small examples of the assault on women's intelligence, right to peaceful co-existence, right to thrive and just in general what we have to put up with on weekly if not a daily basis. This is why I urge you to open your world view if you think feminism is such a bad word. Because what is truly to fear from treating women with the respect and equality we deserve? What is so offensive about women fighting for control over their own bodies and why do so many men and other women feel like it is their place to give their two cents? We do not owe anyone an explanation for our behavior, a right to our body or anything of the sort, especially reproductive systems. If you have wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, you should never want them to have to feel like they property, owned and controlled by someone else. We are more than just the lady parts we were born with, I am not sure why in 2016 that is so hard to comprehend.
I first heard about these "meetings" (possible circle jerks?) from the protests articles in Glasgow, then much to my surprise the local news (yep, they were going to meet up at the Brat Stop, where the Polar Plunge fundraiser was happening....super classy guys) and last night saw the petition to keep the leader Roosh V. out of Australia. Now, I do not think we should be stopping these meetings from happening, after all just because they hate women and advocate for legal rape (The supporters claim it was a satirical piece written by Mr. V, but it is disgusting even if satirical. How about I write a satirical piece about making it legal to cut-off a mans junk in order to stop rape all together. Is that funny? Is it funny to make a joke out of those who have been victimized?) doesn't mean that they can't get together and really see who their fellow women haters are. Or for us to see who they are as well. But that is besides the point, my point is to spread the fact that this group even exists and has followers all over the world. Because this my friends, is why I roll my eyes at the idiots who say feminism is bad word, and that feminism shouldn't exist anymore. This right here is why I am annoyed beyond no end for those who call women fighting for our right to exist in this society as equals, femi-nazis. This is why I want to point out that it is mostly anger spewing from people's mouths when a woman calls them out, zero recognition of a valid point. This is why I want to throat punch you when you call a woman crazy for stating her opinion, or over-emotional for being passionate about something.
To further compile on the annoyance this week, the CDC announced that all women between the ages of 15-44 who are not on birth control should abstain from drinking. Their point?? The baby, OMG we can't hurt the hypothetical babies that don't exist. What I hear, "Hey ladies, because we think that you are that dumb and remember we always cater the lowest common denominator because yes, we still think all women have brains half the size of men (this is a female Dr. talking by the way) you should just abstain from drinking if you are not on birth control because you are too clearly dumb to figure out your cycle, know your bodies and more importantly make your own decisions about your own body and your own lives." Obviously my automatic response to this is wanting to go to Atlanta, stand outside the CDC building with a sign saying, "Hey Dr. Anne Shuchat! 33 here, proudly not on birth control, and boning like crazy" while I chug 40 ounce after 40 ounce of Negro Modelo. Because god forbid it is my choice which chemical and hormones I put into my body. Not to mention my mental capacity to figure out my cycle and plan accordingly must be totally mythical to them because come on women aren't that smart am I right?!?! Why not tell my husband to keep his hands to himself when?? Tell men to also stop drinking because most drunk men think they are horny, there boom problem solved. But God-forbid men ever get a "behavioral recommendation" that shames them in anyway. If they did they would all probably run to the MRAs screaming discrimination. But us, we have to be sober, keep our legs and mouths shut.
These are two small examples of the assault on women's intelligence, right to peaceful co-existence, right to thrive and just in general what we have to put up with on weekly if not a daily basis. This is why I urge you to open your world view if you think feminism is such a bad word. Because what is truly to fear from treating women with the respect and equality we deserve? What is so offensive about women fighting for control over their own bodies and why do so many men and other women feel like it is their place to give their two cents? We do not owe anyone an explanation for our behavior, a right to our body or anything of the sort, especially reproductive systems. If you have wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, you should never want them to have to feel like they property, owned and controlled by someone else. We are more than just the lady parts we were born with, I am not sure why in 2016 that is so hard to comprehend.
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