Everyday most of us strive to live the life that best suits our needs, be them immediate or long term. I need coffee to wake up. It is immediate and even though its a normative, minuscule task, I still only exert a certain amount of control in my even being able to complete the process in order to make sure I get coffee. There could have been some accident rendering my water supply contaminated. My dog could have jumped up and broke my coffee maker, the Starbucks or deli down the street could have burned down. There are things beyond my control that could totally paralyze my ability to meet my need for coffee. Now, it probably seems like a stupid example, but if our tiny needs through out the day are not 100% in our control, the bigger ones are even more complex. And this is what has been rattling around in my brain. How much control do we actually have, and furthermore, how much do our desires to control our own outcomes effect other people?
I get the concept of control and how appealing it is psychologically. You can decided what happens, avoid the bad, be better, do better, have better. Get what you want when you want because you are in control. It is safe, it is easy, and more importantly it is something that you wholly own. It is yours. Your own concept of control is enacted by your own definition of it. But, the dichotomy of control and controlling is often put on the back burner, mostly not even realized. Because, as I stated from above, how much does our desire for control effect other people? Our relationships within the family, marital, friendships, and so forth. If we are each and solely in control or our lives, then when we intersect there are two independent forces fighting for control. No matter how much we refuse to admit it or realize it. It is scary for many to acquiesce their control. Look at backseat drivers, people who criticize the most mundane tasks like cooking. How does one reconcile the big ones?
Admittedly I think about this a lot because sometimes control is over rated. It makes us too hard on ourselves and too hard on other people. "If he could just control his feelings he wouldn't be in this mess." "All she has to do is exert a bit of control and she could have what she wants." When dealing with other people the idea of control lets us off the hook, we get to write off their failures as their own fault. Why should we be bothered with feelings of sympathy or empathy because someone was lax in their control. On a personal level, and especially in America, we are saddled with expectations of perfection. Ideologically individualized, constantly driven by the concept of not having anyone to blame but ourselves. I think its utterly preposterous. We want to control our lives but we have to be careful. At the same time we have to display effusive amounts of gratitude for "what we have," in total spite of how we might be feeling at that moment or years down the road. This renders the idea of real control utterly mute, and it is even more glaring when we are intersecting with other people. Control as a double edge sword sucks, and is especially susceptible to sucking depending on who is wielding it. Despite desiring control of our lives we are still help up to normative standards of our society, which makes us desperately cling to our control even more, scaring the shit out of people who feel out of control and so on and so forth. Fast forward to anxiety and a host of other problems.
Is control a useful tool in holding ourselves accountable? Very much so. Does it help us to reach our goals and stay on track? Absolutely. All I wish is for us to remember the downsides when we hold on to it too rigidly. When we rest on our control like it is some sort of Puritanical laurel of achievement. Ironically too many Americans consider our nation to be a Christian one, if that were ultimately the truth, the need for control would diminish. We wouldn't need it because we have faith. What amuses me about the idea of control is that fact that I have a pretty total lack of said faith, but no strong desire to fight and push for my version of control. It is probably lazy on my part but I want to be forgiving of myself and those around me. I see the world as so interconnected there is just no way that my own actions will ever solely effect just me no matter how hard I try or how little I think about the effects of my actions. I also want to see life changing and I want to give myself permission to change with it and those around me as well. So as Ralph Ellison said in Invisible Man, “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” We can try to be the most perfect human being, the best versions of ourselves, exert the utmost amount of control in the process, but after all, we are only human beings. We are all on the precipice of defeat because that is what it means to be human and fallible.
No comments:
Post a Comment