Wino Wednesdays

       I usually save my Wednesday's for the mid-week feelings of self-loathing and despair. You know it is almost Thursday, one day from Friday and the freedom of the weekend. It is where you see that all your efforts from Monday and Tuesday have not paid off and it feels like you are back at square one. The Joe vs the Volcano rat race us Americans absolutely adore, the safety and drudgery of the day to day grind is at its peak. I am pretty sure it is the reason Wino Wednesday's were invented, it is the perfect self-loathing drink. It makes you feel intelligent and sophisticated when you are not, increasing your confidence for the remainder of the week. You might go to work hungover on Thursday but, damn it, there was a break through last night and as you swished that wine in your mouth, trying to find all the floral and fruity notes, you thought to yourself, "I am better than this" and off you went back to the grind Thursday morning. Rejuvenated from the bullshit you were able to feed yourself the night before about actually being able to taste the floral and fruity notes. But, not today my friends. This Wednesday I find myself full of incredulity.

in·cre·du·li·ty

ˌinkrəˈd(y)o͞olədē/
noun
noun: incredulity
the state of being unwilling or unable to believe something.



     It is a feeling we all know too well. In fact my brother-in-law and I often go round and round about our incredulous feelings about how someone so dumb could be so rich, or how so many people in Chicago apparently make shit-loads of money when they can't even parallel park their G-Wagon or drive properly. The fact that an 18/19 year old reality star makes so much money simply off her name she is trying to trademark it despite a visible lack of any real talent. You know, those little things that are so contradictory it drives you insane. The amazing guy with a basic woman, the amazing woman with an asshole of a guy, the amazing ability of your chronically unemployed neighbor, who still drinks milk from a carton, to go about life like he is even remotely normal. All of it is just so hard to believe sometimes, it honestly makes me wonder if I am slowly going insane. The kind where you do not know you are crazy, like Leo ala Shutter Island.

      Just today for example, my husband told me that at his work they remodeled a floor of offices and did not replace the garbage cans at the desks. Apparently they just throw the garbage on the floor, I found this concept insane...according to him I am in the minority. A girl pulled over with over 100 pounds of marijuana in her car, along with countless edibles, only given 2 years probation and a thousand dollar fine. Trump and Cruz are the leading Republican nominees. I mean for God's sake, The Bachelor is actually still on air and the Real Housewives are still a thing. The list goes on and on and on. All of this is compounded by ridiculous Facebook posts and other social media platforms where we are not even humble bragging anymore but out right bragging and people love it. They eat it up. I truly believe some days that I am just not meant for these times. Everything is taken to the extreme and has high stakes consequences all with little meaning.

       We are not living in reality in any sense of the word. I am tired of wading around in the shallow end of the pool, but it is easier to keep the masses there. I am incredulous about all the above, but also at the idea that it is easier for us to be so flippant about our world it sometimes feels like we are living in a Cringe Comedy movie. I think back 20 years and Jerry Seinfeld hit the nail on the head, people want a show about nothing, it is such a metaphor for life. It is not that things have to necessarily be heavy or deep all the time, but if you truly believe in a higher power or karma you should be worried. Because it feels like the inmates are running the asylum and they are getting rewarded on top of it and it is because we are drawn into the crappiness of all of it.

         I am incredulous because there are so many amazing things happening each day that should the in our periphery. Real kids who are changing the world like the student protesters who are being continually assaulted at Trump rallies, real moms/wives starting and running amazing businesses from the ground up. Legit politicians who are still trying to do the right thing for the people, socially responsible companies, activist investors. People who care, people who have real talent, people who matter silently walking behind all of this and pick up the garbage that is thrown on the floor and the least we could do is see them. It would be awesome if we attach the real value to celebrity. It would be awesome if our criminal justice system was fair to everyone. It would be down right morally up-lifting if our economy worked the way it was meant to. We may complain about our political system, but it starts with us. Everything comes back to us, what do we consume and why. I am simply here today to say that I am tired of consuming what is offered in the shallow end of the pool. I am swimming for deeper waters because that is where so many of us belong and what we deserve. So please, let put the inmates back in their cages where they belong. Lets stop consuming their BS.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/king-not-long-killed-trump-rally-article-1.2549868

http://www.theguardian.com/music/2016/feb/29/kylie-minogue-jenner-trademark-first-name-kardashians

Perspective

       So, I know that the "open letter" by the chick from Yelp is almost a week old and the response from the bartender/writer lady went viral on Monday, and there has been many other accompanying articles, but the all are missing something. So, I also keep reading the comments on all the articles about this subject trying to find it and am just appalled by the mindset of so many people in the country. It pains me especially because they all are missing the one thing that could turn their arguments into solution. That one thing is perspective.

        Everyone, and I mean everyone, has their own anecdotal story. The story about their own life, their own journey and the path they took, but it is just theirs. That is what makes it anecdotal. Nobody else has the experience and I am getting the sneaking suspicion that there may be something wrong with me, since I tend to see more than one side. It is not a "millennial" problem,  it is not a story of getting rewarded for hard work, it is not a story about a how bad corporations are, it is a story about the systematic failure of our economic system that has been trudging along this trajectory for at least 40 years. We can all find ways to work within this new framework, while simultaneously working for change. Some people have and are really good at it. Some people are not, and I will be the first to admit that, I guess I am just not good at it. Which is probably why I am more sympathetic to all sides of the argument.

        I have been working since the age of 11 and at the age of 33 I am making 100% less than I was at 25, and have varied somewhere between 0-60% in the intervening years. It is not because I do not want to work, but because I literally do not know how to make these "opportunities" or "chances" for myself like the bartender/writer lady. I am not inept, or lazy, or dumb, or entitled. I am pretty sure, despite applying for job after job everyday that I can even get someone to actually read my resume. I just do not have a family friend to pick me up when I am down. However, unlike the Yelp chick, I have always worked multiple jobs to support myself. Jobs I have not always enjoyed or been proud of, and I will have to do that again soon. Which takes away experience and wages I should be getting perpetuating this horrible career tilt-a-whirl I am on. So, I get how frustrating their stories are to each other. But it is not as easy as being one way or the other and like I said before it certainly has nothing to do with generational differences.

        Wages have been stagnating for years. Baby boomers cannot afford to retire or they cannot afford to give up their benefits. Gen-Xer's are stuck in middle management because of this with kids rapidly approaching college days that they cannot afford and many Millennials are in entry level jobs and cannot keep up with their cost of living which has dramatically increased in the past 2 decades. (I am 33 and yes when I started driving gas was still less than $1 a gallon in 2008 it was almost $4 a gallon.) I guess my point is that we are all get screwed by the current situation. I am relying on a robot to read my resume, you might be relying on that person that just won't retire to get a desperately needed promotion or raise, and your neighbor might only be working because they lost their retirement saving in the 2008 financial collapse. It is all a freaking tilt-a-whirl and I think we owe some grace to each other, if not a hand.

        So why this one-ups-man-ship about who is getting screwed over worse and why? Is it a corporations problem if the cost of living somewhere is unattainable in relation to their entry-level wages? Probably not. But, it is something we should be working to figure out instead of crapping on one another over who is better, works harder, or who has it worse. And scarily that seems to be a novel thought. It is one thing to give advice and support to someone struggling, and it is more than fair to give kudos to those are on the up and up, I am not sure why it has to be either or for everything in this country. From my perspective I just feel like we should be less inclined to constantly criticize or ignore our problems and more open to realizing that everyone has had different experiences, different opportunities and as a result a different path in front of them. Negative criticism begets nothing, positive criticism can result in an idea. But then again, I will probably get crucified for thinking differently than someone else. It is what we do best-

Recylced Arguements, Recycled Emotions

     I am a big proponent of emotions and feelings. In fact, I have a Spanish word similar to Passion tattooed on my left arm. In a world where cold hard technology is revered like a god, my love of the human condition we know as emotions grow with each passing day. It is amazing when you get the 'feels' or the overwhelming urge to burst with passion when you are doing something you love. I would like to believe that feelings make the world go round. All of that being well and good, however, there is also a time when relying on feelings and emotions can be, well, dangerous.

       For example, obviously dark, negative feelings do not always lead to good outcomes. Sometimes we let emotions cloud our judgements, not always a big deal at all, but when we let it course through our veins and let it consume us, then we have a problem. And I am here to tell you all, the Democratic Party has a problem. And, I am saying this as an undecided voter who is struggling to remain above her emotions to make the right decision in a few weeks. But listening to Bernie Sanders' supporters weep with euphoria in New Hampshire, I get the nagging suspicion that despite Laurel and Hardy-esque nature of the Republican Primary, the Democratic Party may end up screwing itself over, again...It seems, Democrats have now let emotions rule the day. People are offended, on both sides. When people are offended, especially Democrats all hell breaks loose.

          So, emotions how does this tie into the Democratic Primary race you ask?? Well it is simple, Bernie is definitely playing on emotions, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. He is passionately against wealth inequality, I think we all are. However, the biggest and worst mistake he is making hands down is letting his supporters attack Hillary Clinton personally and very emotionally and not just her policies. When millennials in New Hampshire were asked why they did not like Hillary they cited things like, how "establishment" she was, how big of a liar she is, how corrupt she is, how uncaring she is. Many women were resentful and offended at the fact that they felt pressured to vote for her because she was a woman and how off-putting it was that, because they both had V's, their V was nothing like Hillary's and how dare they suggest so. (I will admit, that is a clumsy stance not being snuffed out by Hillary's campaign.)

          So my honest question is, to both Bernie, and Hillary's campaign, where does that leave the Democratic Party after the primaries? How can you overcome the pure hatred directed towards Hillary in this campaign? The offense so many millennials feel towards Hillary? And I will admit, it is something I do not understand. It is not something I necessarily want to understand. I will also admit, the more Hillary is attacked for her personality, the alleged egregious acts she has been accused of committing by the Republican Party for years recycled over and over again, the more people move away from policy issues, the more I want to vote for her because she is fighting. She is fighting a battle on so many sides and now the one side who should be battling her for her policies, pushing her to go farther, are using the same emotional blackmail against her as well. It is slightly off-putting to hear young women in their twenties come out so anti-Hillary at such a primitive and gut level, I will say it again....where does that leave the party? I am just not sure you can get over those feelings and the Democratic leadership should be scared. Bernie Sanders should say something because it leaves us with a scary scenario. Hillary Clinton wins the primary, Michael Bloomberg jumps into the race as an Independent, all these people who aggressively despise Hillary Clinton just for being Hillary Clinton, vote for him and the next thing you know we are all watching President Trump's inauguration.

              Can we get past the feelings? Can we stop attacking someone as a liar, a cheat, or corrupt politician who has been playing the game like everyone, and I mean everyone, else? How about we say, "Well, I do not think she goes far enough when it comes to domestic policy in regards to healthcare." Instead of, "She is a lying bitch who takes money from the healthcare industry so who do you think she is going to be in favor of?"  Because at the very least, that is disingenuous logic and at the worst you are debasing a very legitimate candidate with emotional rhetoric that could have an after-effect you did not intend. So whom ever you are going to vote for, hows about we keep calm, passionately support our candidates in a constructive way and contribute to good stewardship of a democracy. Our country has a tendency to go off the rails and if you do not believe me, just look at the Republican Presidential primary.

Return of the Princess Who Drinks Wine: Won't Stop, Can't Stop

    There are so many awesome things happening this Saturday. My little sister's birthday, for one. The Polar Plunge fundraiser in Kenosha for a second thing. Mitten Fest in Milwaukee at Burnhearts for a third. But, the big one, the supposed international meet-up of the manosphere ridiculous MRA (Men's Rights Activists) group "Return of the Kings." (SCREECH) What? Yep, though most events have been allegedly cancelled due to the amazingly awesome amount of push back, the group planned an international meet-up in cities throughout the world. Now, I highly doubt these delusional anger-bombs who mistakenly blame women for all of their personal short-comings, actually cancelled their meetings. They probably have some super top secret way to contact each other that is only visible to those with an angry unused penis and idle hands and an over abundance of hurt feelings.

       I first heard about these "meetings" (possible circle jerks?) from the protests articles in Glasgow, then much to my surprise the local news (yep, they were going to meet up at the Brat Stop, where the Polar Plunge fundraiser was happening....super classy guys) and last night saw the petition to keep the leader Roosh V. out of Australia. Now, I do not think we should be stopping these meetings from happening, after all just because they hate women and advocate for legal rape (The supporters claim it was a satirical piece written by Mr. V, but it is disgusting even if satirical. How about I write a satirical piece about making it legal to cut-off a mans junk in order to stop rape all together. Is that funny? Is it funny to make a joke out of those who have been victimized?) doesn't mean that they can't get together and really see who their fellow women haters are. Or for us to see who they are as well. But that is besides the point, my point is to spread the fact that this group even exists and has followers all over the world. Because this my friends, is why I roll my eyes at the idiots who say feminism is bad word, and that feminism shouldn't exist anymore. This right here is why I am annoyed beyond no end for those who call women fighting for our right to exist in this society as equals, femi-nazis. This is why I want to point out that it is mostly anger spewing from people's mouths when a woman calls them out, zero recognition of a valid point. This is why I want to throat punch you when you call a woman crazy for stating her opinion, or over-emotional for being passionate about something.

    To further compile on the annoyance this week, the CDC announced that all women between the ages of 15-44 who are not on birth control should abstain from drinking. Their point?? The baby, OMG we can't hurt the hypothetical babies that don't exist. What I hear, "Hey ladies, because we think that you are that dumb and remember we always cater the lowest common denominator because yes, we still think all women have brains half the size of men (this is a female Dr. talking by the way) you should just abstain from drinking if you are not on birth control because you are too clearly dumb to figure out your cycle, know your bodies and more importantly make your own decisions about your own body and your own lives." Obviously my automatic response to this is wanting to go to Atlanta, stand outside the CDC building with a sign saying, "Hey Dr. Anne Shuchat! 33 here, proudly not on birth control, and boning like crazy" while I chug 40 ounce after 40 ounce of Negro Modelo. Because god forbid it is my choice which chemical and hormones I put into my body. Not to mention my mental capacity to figure out my cycle and plan accordingly must be totally mythical to them because come on women aren't that smart am I right?!?! Why not tell my husband to keep his hands to himself when?? Tell men to also stop drinking because most drunk men think they are horny, there boom problem solved. But God-forbid men ever get a "behavioral recommendation" that shames them in anyway. If they did they would all probably run to the MRAs screaming discrimination. But us, we have to be sober, keep our legs and mouths shut.

     These are two small examples of the assault on women's intelligence, right to peaceful co-existence, right to thrive and just in general what we have to put up with on weekly if not a daily basis. This is why I urge you to open your world view if you think feminism is such a bad word. Because what is truly to fear from treating women with the respect and equality we deserve? What is so offensive about women fighting for control over their own bodies and why do so many men and other women feel like it is their place to give their two cents? We do not owe anyone an explanation for our behavior, a right to our body or anything of the sort, especially reproductive systems. If you have wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, you should never want them to have to feel like they property, owned and controlled by someone else. We are more than just the lady parts we were born with, I am not sure why in 2016 that is so hard to comprehend.

The Fine Line

     A few years back a letter started being passed around Facebook that was apparently addressed to and answered by Mike Rowe. Everyone went nuts about his advice, passing along this letter sagely agreeing with, "How true it was." And, "What great advice." Furthermore it had the makings of a conservative wet dream but, that is besides the point. The advice he gave in the letter to a young man unsure about what he should do with his life had everyone hot and bothered. What he said was simple, get a job, any job and work hard. A simple American answer. Very puritan, very thorough, very to the point. And total utter bullshit. Apparently Mike Rowe has not had to navigate our world of employment. You know the one we mortals have to slosh through.

    I am not saying this as a simpering, entitled millennial. I am not saying this because I believe everyone should chase their dreams. (Though I know people who have taken that route and the world would be a worse place if they had not.) And I certainly am not saying this because I sincerely believe my place in the world is higher than that. I am saying it because that mentality simply does not and will not work in our modern day workplace. There are steps you have to take, people you have to meet, things you have to do in order to simply just survive in America's workplace economy. I am saying this from experience. I am saying this from the 23 year old girl who did just what Mike Rowe said to do. I went out and got a job, any job. I dove into the rat race head first and ready to work and work I did. Hard. Where did it get me at 33? An "unmarketable" position for myself in the traditional job market, that is where it got me. You see those steps that I talked about above? They are there for a reason, despite being good or bad or right or wrong. They are there to make it easier to simply judge you. That is all this is about, being able to judge you . Like that scene in Half Baked, "F%$k you, F%$k you, you're cool..." If you do not know what you want to do with your life and you dive into a career that does not work out, work for a boss who is truly a crook or a poor businessman (my experience and apparently giant black stains on my resume) or simply have a different desire or dream you most likely are forfeiting any chance to move into another industry without having to totally start over, like moving 10 feet back, or have the ability to move at all. Unless of course, you know a unicorn. You know, a magical being that can "pass along your resume" so that someone actually reads it, or furthermore can actually get someone to have a human conversation with you.

     It seems very few people these days want to look past your veneer to see the substance you are made of, much less give you an actual chance. Your heart, soul, and brain do not matter, those are not easily quantifiable. You must come equipped immediately to do the job at hand. That is why they ask you what you are "qualified" for. Unless you need a license to do you job, like a teacher, a doctor, a lawyer, if you are in a position where you could do severe damage I understand the qualification part, but what the hell does that even mean? I think I am qualified for whatever I want to be. I am not an idiot, I know a lot of thing, how to do a lot of things and furthermore I have taught myself a majority of it. So if I am not trying to get job doing brain surgery or building a computer, what the hell do I have to be qualified in? If you did not complete steps 1, 2, AND 3 then you do not stand a chance. It does not matter how amazing you are at 1 and 3 if you missed 2, no time will be taken to decipher if you possess the character to master 2, hell 2 could even be a latent talent just waiting for discovery. Mike Rowe's advice was bad. He sent that young man forward in his life to whittle away at working for someone else, at the mercy of someone else and I pray to whatever being is out there that the young man was lucky enough to chose a good employer. I hope he was lucky enough to choose something he could live with for the next 55 years. I hope because he just went out and got a job, that he is not deemed worthless someday when he is trying to make his way in this world when he maybe looking for another one.

    I say this with all the anger of a 33 year old, who finds herself further behind than her 23 year old self. Who is now answering questions online for people who refuse to find the knowledge for themselves because so far, apparently that is all I am qualified for. I wish we could stop this notion that people are only valuable if they possess something so concrete its value pools on the paper it is typed on like it is catching raining gold. Our false economy is dangerous enough in over-valuation of things that really are not that essential to our being. That it is such a burden to actually look at a person and not a piece of paper, or worse yet, just put that piece of paper into a computer that spits it out as reject because it lacks a few "key words." That being a good bullshitter is rewarded more than hard work. I put my time in and still am, I have been working since the age of 11 actually, but none of that matters Mike Rowe, does it. It does not matter how hard we work everything is still at the mercy of they system and our employers, because again it is a surface quantifier that is easily judge-able. That is all that matters isn't it. So next time someone is asking you for career advice Mr. Rowe, think about how the job market really operates. Think about the processes everyone has to go through before you tell someone to blindly just go an get a job. You are putting them in survival mode and they will never break free from it. I have been over a decade in survival mode, I am mostly okay in the mode because I am lucky enough to realize there is more to life than work. There is living. While everyone around me is "thriving in the career world" I am still only surviving, pray tell, how can one get out of that whole? Do I just dive blindly into another trap we like to call a "job"? Or do I actually deserve to think of myself as worthy of doing something different if actually given a chance? Because god forbid we do not conform.

My Best Friend

    Let me tell you all a little bit about my best friend. She is tall, lean, and blonde, a lot like me actually :) When we run we pretty much have the same gate and I can hear people making fun of us in the park. But, I do not mind, I think it is a compliment and we run past them with our heads held high. My best friend is probably the fastest runner that I know and I know for a fact that she is the best and craziest swimmer. It is hard keeping her out of the water even on a day like today when it is only 20 degrees Fahrenheit outside. The girl knows no fear which can be good but can also be bad and that is the point of my post today. Because I know a lot of us who have similar best friends and even though they can see in the dark or smell something miles away, they still need us. You see, my best friend is not some lunatic super hero, she is simply my dog.

        If you follow me on Facebook, you know my missives/rants about our day to day struggles. Not the normal dog struggles. We rescued her from Safe Harbor Humane Society when she was almost  a year old. She never went to the bathroom in the house, and save a few issues with my socks and underwear (not Ed's just mine of course) she has not chewed on anything other than her toys and a random Nine West 4" heel bootie that was covered in sausage juice but that's a story for another day. She counter surfs a little (OKAY A LOT!) and knows the location of her doggie or cat friends' food in everyone's house she has ever been to. But, all and all she is and continues to be amazing, except for one thing. I used to think this one thing was her problem, but the older she gets (going on 8) and the more I see her interact with other dogs and people I am convinced she might not be the whole part of the issue. You see, she is a giant bitchy snob and when your dog shoves his/her nose up her ass, she is going to bite the creature and not let go. And no, I do not really disagree with her on that one. 

       I am not going to sit here an anthropomorphize her, she is a dog and she acts like one. I am also not going to sit here and say she is perfect. No one is. But what I will say is that when she was a puppy she might not have been as socialized as she could have been. So with some steady work, she now is pretty great with a majority of dogs, even little Piper who fits inside my boots. I completely trust her around puppies because despite all of their annoying-ness, she is very patient with them. She still has her issues when a strange dog runs up to her, especially when she is on leash and double especially when her owners are around or another dog friend. Which is why she is on a leash and why I feel the need to write this post. Despite her looking like this most of the time, when she feels threatened it can get serious. And a majority of the time it is because the other owner and their dog is oblivious to true animal nature.

 

         Despite her fantastic behavior, her ability to humor me when I am trying to get her to say, "I love you," she is still a dog. When I think about her behavior it resembles a toddler who can run way faster and bite way harder than any human toddler can. Just like a human toddler, because she cannot reason, or control her instincts sometimes, Ed and I need to guide her. That is the point of being a dog owner and dogs need guidance. We keep her safe and it is your job to keep your dog safe. Allowing your dog to run up to other dogs is not safe. Off-leash dogs (or the retractable leash owners, though I think all of those need to be burned) need to stay close to their humans and disinterested in other animals to a point where their safety is never jeopardized. We seem incapable of that, at least in my neighborhood there is a majority that is incapable of it. I am not sure where people got the idea that dogs are friendly and know dog behavior when they run up to each other like the super happy stoner who thinks everyone is their friend. I grew up on a farm and that is atypical behavior for any animal, wild and domesticated alike. 

        What bothers me is the oblivious nature so many dog owners have regarding this subject. My dog wears a gentle leader so I can control her, though I can without one as well. We are fit enough to pick her up one handed or two despite her 65 pounds and we will do everything to protect your dog if we can since too many dog owners these days can't be bothered to do that. One of my friends uses a harness on her dog and others use a special collar. There is a lady who lives a few blocks away, last week I thought her two Weimaraners were going to drag her across the street on normal collars and leases as they barked insistently at Laina and I walking past them on the sidewalk across the street. That lady could not control them, could not guide them, yet she had two. My dog was at risk, her dogs were at risk. Or the people who live behind us with a black standard poodle, who runs up to my dog as we are running down the street. Or my idiot neighbor who lets his dogs roam around in my yard and allows his two little ones to attack my 65 pound berserker. I can't let her out to protect them, because once again, their human is not. So my dog has to suffer and wait for them to leave our yard before she can be let out.

        My point is, Laina is just a dog. All dogs are just dogs. Left to her own devices, she would survive longer than most of her counterparts no doubt, but not very long. We have bred most of the intelligence and survival instincts out of our dogs. They are not equipped, unless a farm dog left to his own devices most of the time, to deal with situations where their instinct takes over. So please, don't make me over-leash my dog, don't make me have to cross the street, don't make me the one shooing (and by shooing I mean flailing my 34 inch inseams at them) away dog chasing us down the street on our run. Guide your dogs like you would your toddler. They might love the hell out of us, but they just do not know any better. Your dog relies on you for their safety, if you cannot provide that, then do not get a dog. And for God's sake, lets start teaching our dogs some manners because as much as I hate getting groped by a creep on a night out, my dog does as well. There is a whole entire protocol to dogs meeting that does not include storming up to another dog like some fan-girl to Justin Beiber. Don't make me bounce your dog out of there-

The Life Factor

     Trying to put into words how you feel sometimes can be difficult. Sometimes it is not always about finding the words, but trying to summon up the courage to put yourself out there. Then combine all that while trying to get it just right is daunting. But, despite the natural perils of writing about yourself and admitting to failure, it just feels like the right time. So, this morning as I read an article about confidence it dawned on me that not only is it my problem, it might be an issue for so many people. One thing I realized is that confidence comes in so many forms and unfortunately it is tied to so many factors beyond our control that it is impossible, nay unreasonable, to rely on this as a factor in how we see ourselves. And, if you are like me and find yourself in the middle of an unfortunate setback (i.e., I am unemployed again, despite years of my best efforts to avoid this and I am rapidly loosing places in my fantasy soccer league, but that is neither here nor there) I think falling back on how you see yourself is more important than any outside factor in gaining confidence and let me tell you why. 
      
       I so desperately want us as a species to look at each other as the total parts of a whole entire life. Family, friends, partners or significant others, the body and mind, how we treat each other and what kind of sacrifices we have had to make. All of these are the things that define us, not how much we make and what we buy with it. So lets say we are knocking it out of the park in all of that. But your chosen profession is not "highly regarded" of you just don't make as much money as Joe Schmoe, so you feel down. Like a failure and pretty soon the confidence drains. Which is my main case in point, we as Americans put so much emphasis on what we do professionally that it is cringe-worthy to sit at a party with people you barely know because its the one thing everyone asks, "So what do you do?" Then we make this horrible snap judgment against a person from that one tiny aspect, or what should be the one tiny aspect of their life. Some of the most talented women and men I know are out chasing their dreams and right now it doesn't sound impressive to someone who wants a concrete answer here and now. It is not interesting that one might be a stay at home mother despite that being their dream job, or a bartender trying to save up for their own place. Unfortunately for us as human beings we now have a hard time connecting with people and if that easy first connection or interest is not there we move on. "What can you do for me, oh nothing, move along." And this does not make anyone feel good.

         It happens to me and it pains me greatly. No one asks, what have I done, where have I been, what is my life philosophy. (And if they asked that last one I might drop dead of a heart attack.) It is, "So what do you do." Aside from not doing much right now, I am pained to admit that despite my short stint as a TA and when I was a server, I have had a string of un-fulfilling jobs with horrible endings that have had to more to do with the shortcomings of others than myself. It pains me even more to be judged on that and that alone because it is just not who I am or who I ever have been. On my resume no one cares that I worked my way through college and haven't lived at home since the age of 18. No one cares that I took a chance and moved a fair distance away and survived. No one cares that I have a masters degree and that I actually finished it on time (2 years) while working 2 jobs. No cares that I have traveled alone to another country, or that I work out everyday and care about my health. No one cares that I know how to cook or that I love my friends and family with ferocity. That I volunteer on different committees and spend a lot of time doing that. Because we do not judge people by their sacrifices and choices, we judge them by the tangible items in our lives, such as jobs, material goods and societal position. That is recipe for confidence issues if I have ever seen one. So many people out there are doing so many amazing things, yet they feel the need to explain them away because our society does not deem them as ambitious, or successful.  

          We are all guilty of this and it is why so many people feel left out, angry, or like a failure. What we define as success should be something we can stand ourselves being judged by. Whether you are a working mother keeping your family alive, or the person just trying to figure out your next move. The first thing we need to do is get our own confidence from within. Just like we cannot rely on others to make us happy, we can never rely on others for making us feel like we are worthy or important. What have you overcome that others maybe have not that makes you unique? What has driven your sacrifices and why? What have you learned from failure or poor decision? These little things that we want to believe are insignificant just are not. They are the threads that weave us together. Life feels so unfair in so many moments but how we overcome that is more descriptive of who we are than how much money one makes in a year.

          Without the confidence to own ourselves, accept our failures, move on and revel in our triumphs because we will never have it all. Mostly because "having it all" is a subjective term and your having it all is different than another's and it is high time we accept that this is a possibility in our country. That our society and culture starts getting past the plastic conformity that creates a false comfort, that veneer of perfection and actually get down to the substance of who each of us really is. It does require that we have an open heart and expect the good out of everyone. We, by happenstance, were placed where we started and it is everything in between that should give us the confidence to move forward and know that we are valued, that we have something to offer and never count anyone as out of the game. You know what you have done, only you know your journey so, proudly stand by it and let that be your guide to confidence. It is not easy but it is the path we are forced to take and we are all on it. So, just wave and smile to each other-