Just an observation

Last Saturday night I was in stitches watching my three year old nephew imitating every move I made while brushing my teeth. Down to the noise I made when I spit, he was spot on. It was probably the cutest thing I have experienced. Coincidentally the next day, the Souix City Journal in Iowa dedicated its entire front page to the topic of bullying. It was a poignant response to a  regrettable unnecessary tragedy that has become all too common in our country. A teenage child comes out of the closet, becomes the target of bullying, and tragically the situation becomes so desperate, the only out they feel as an option, is to take their own life. We can even change the circumstances, such as the student might not be a homosexual just different, but the script remains unchanging. Now, let us fast forward again to Monday, where I joyfully performed the always pleasant duty of substitute teaching. Sarcasm aside, most days I step foot into that school, I witness and experience the depths of meanness teenage and pre-teenage children are capable of. If I was not almost thirty, married, owned my own house, was able to legally purchase any alcohol I wanted, and generally way cooler than any teenager hands down, it would be a challenge for me to walk in those doors and deal with the abuse. I cannot even begin to imagine what that must feel like for a teenager who wants nothing more than just to be accepted by their peers. 

You see, to be honest, I have always been one plagued by insecurities. To friends it may come as a surprise, but to me family, no way. As a teenager I am sure my insecurities played a gigantic role in my behavior, and as a response I think I have literally blocked out a lot of memories, probably for the better. Just thinking about going to my ten year reunion this past year almost had me in hyper-ventilating, mostly because career wise I am so far behind everyone. That is besides the point. I was a tremendous athlete, I had a full scholarship for volleyball, and as a result could pretty much do whatever I wanted to in high school, yet I still felt awful. Which is why, today, it pains me see some of the student who struggle with abuse from their peers day in and day out. The kind of students who are bright, creative, different in ways that are totally awesome, and I know in the future these will be the winners, yet in high school they just do not fit into the little social box, defined by the few chosen ones. Even though their families, teachers, and many others in the communities can and most often do give them the confidence and appreciation they deserve, it is still a struggle to walk into the jungle of teenage emotions every morning. So I have a big problem with bullying. 

I think about bullying constantly. I hope and pray, for lack of memory, that I never tortured anyone the way I see it happen today. The weird thing is though, I do not see a lot of the bullying coming from insecurities. Today, it seems to come from a much scarier place...over confidence. It frustrates me that with all the work so many good people do, such as the documentary, “Bullying” or the Dan Savage “It gets better project,” that bullying still remains a stain on our society. It is for this reason mostly that I am obsessed with thinking about bullying. With so many advocates, the fact that we are living in a new century, globalization, and the general idea that, no, it is not okay for children to be doing this. At some point it goes well beyond boys being boys or girls being girls. It is about getting beyond the notion, to many parents, that kids do not need to toughen up in this cruel world. We in fact do not live in the wild west, we no longer are or have to be a pioneer nation that rests on our individual laurels and principles, the rest of our neighbors be damned. And to get back to my first paragraph, those three events combined to create a really important connection in my mind about bullying. It might be elementary thinking for those trained in the way the mind works, but for me this was an awakening of sorts.

On Monday morning, after being ridiculed by a boy because I had to tell teenagers to either, “use the rulers appropriately or put them away,” I immediately had a flashback to my sweet little nephew imitating me spitting into the sink. I then flashed back to the many debates I have witnessed whether on television, radio, newspaper, or in person about the acceptance or for many non-acceptance of homosexuality in this country. I then started thinking about the venomous nature of our political issues, the canyon of difference between social issues, and my gosh, the heated nature with which we just simply drive and go about our daily activities. Most of us seem to go about our daily lives with an imaginary chip on our shoulder, thinking people do things for the sole purpose of screwing us over. This makes us angry. It makes us angry when we drive, it makes us angry when we watch the news, it makes us angry when someone mistakenly cuts in front of us in line at the dairy queen, and it makes us angry in front our kids. 

To get to the point, our children copy us. They study our behavior and emulate from that. It is how they learn. The cues we give our children last a lifetime. When you drive aggressively, passing people for no reason, speeding because you think it is cool, etc...and your children are in the car, they pick that up. Impatiently stomping your foot in line at Starbucks because the old man with arthritic hands is having trouble getting the money out of his wallet, comes across as acceptable behavior to your child. So what happens when their classmate might hold up the class because they are having problems solving the math equation on the board in front of everyone? I think the worst one, and you know I have to go there, is the Sunday morning activity many Americans happily participate in regularly. Church. The reason I have to go there, not because I have something against churches or religion in general, it is simply that I find it ironic that many churches  tendto be the harbingers of judgement of those who are different. 

Now, many churches serve an important role in the family structure. The development of values, morals, and a general idea of service, most likely originate from a family’s continued involvement in a church. It also can serve as a beloved family tradition and more importantly (obviously) for many, it serves as a connection point to a higher being and greater spirituality in general. This is all fine and dandy and very important to society in general. Where my problem with it lies in the honest fact that many American ascribe to a faith that literally takes the bible at its word, believes homosexuals and immoral people are going to burn in hell, therefore, why should they be treated with the same acceptance of those who hold similar values to you. If you feel homosexuality is wrong or different, chances are your child will feel that way too. When Miss. America and other public figures pleasantly denounce that lifestyle as “unnatural” or “unacceptable” people pay attention. If you are hostile to certain populations, LGBT community, muslims, african americans, latinos, etc...your child will be openly hostile to those populations as well. Just like my nephew brushed his tongue when I brushed mine.

Getting back to the over-confidence, a not so attractive trait, when we keep telling them they are great, when will they know they are not? In an age where probably 50% of teenagers drive an infinitely nicer car than everyone I know except for my 2 rich friends, where they all have iPhones and iPads just for the asking, who the hell am I to dare tell them to stop hitting each other with a ruler? I do not even carry a designer bag, therefore I am not worthy to tell them to do anything. After God, they worship at the altar of materialism. This is something we have fostered, with our watching of “Real Housewives” and our ever present ability to covet everything. This is before even factoring in the open hostility many Americans are displaying to our education force. If you disrespect teachers, yell into the TV that, “all of those liberal union thugs get what they deserve and that is nothing,” or “they don’t educate anyways, it all just a left leaning curriculum designed to create democrats,” then honestly what in God’s name do you think your child thinks of their teachers? Do not get me started on the fact that, at that point, you are just wasting taxpayer money sending your child to get babysat instead of an education, and isn’t that just ironic.

We know for a fact, scientifically, that our brains are not fully developed until we are in our early twenties. It is an indisputable fact, and yes contrary to popular belief, those still do exists. How can we expect kids to make the right decisions when we are and remain poor examples of what not to do. The Sioux City Journal was one hundred percent right when they placed the blame on the community for not doing enough, because we are not doing enough. We still foster the us against the world mentality that limits our ability to accept others for who they are. We still compete to be the best when there is nothing to compete for, like wow, you got to the next exit first you are awesome. For some reason beyond me, we relish in the exercise of judgement. It is evident in every snarky comment made about neighbors, or community members. All of these little quirks of human nature combine in teenagers to make them monsters. If we do not teach them compassion and empathy, don’t expect them to help you at that Starbucks in 40 yrs when your hands are too arthritic to even carry your coffee to a nearby table. In a day where compassion and empathy are seen as weakness, our society now needs it more than ever-