Like me she is married and on her way to 31, like me she is very active and very apprehensive about kids. To make clear it is not like either of us dislike children, it is just that apparently when we do have them, we have to give up everything that makes us, well us. It might seem selfish to those who are already mothers, and I do not need a speech about how I just don't get it, I get that I just do not get it. I am 31 and have been with my husband since 22, it has been 9 years of telling me, I just do not get it. But, for the lack of "baby fever," I do get it. I get that every time one of my friends tells me she is expecting, I am unabashedly elated for them 99% of the time, but there is 1% of me who scared that I will lose my friendship. Yes, again, I get it, it sounds selfish, just let me finish. (And no, I can honestly say I do get to see my friends with kids an awful lot, even the ones with multiple little ones, in fact I get to spend the whole weekend with one soon!) I just want to explain to you, from the standpoint of a childless friend, how I want to help you bet the best that you can be all the time. Because I think the blog link below sucks.
I take my friendships very seriously. I do not have a lot of achievements in life, very few to be exact. I am not great at things that I do, but, there are three things I am most proud of. The first is my husband, I did snag a good one. The second is my tight knit family, I know not everyone is fortunate enough to have that, which is why my third thing is my friends. I take pride in my friends, I think they are pretty great people. I try my hardest and best to do everything for them that they need or want. Like I said, it is one of the things I am most proud of, which is why I hate this blog from the Huffington Post that is floating around. (I guess I would "get it" if I were a mother though ha ha)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christine-skoutelas/once-we-become-parents-we-dont-want-to-hang-out-with-you-anymore-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-think_b_5270148.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037
So let me explain why I hate it, and why as a friend to many mothers what I can offer to do to help you. It also makes me feel bad for wanting to continue a relationship with you, like how can I be so stupid? As my other childless friend and I discussed it, it just added to our complete unease at having kids. Not only does this author make parenting sound like hell, it seems either she has really needy friends, or doesn't realize that maybe her friends want to help her out.
So, check me out. I would love to come over and watch your kid for you while you shower, sleep, clean your house, get your hair cut, cook dinner, etc...I might not have kids but I am not incompetent with them. I get that you cannot go out, so lets get together at your place, or hell if you want to go out, bring your baby or kids. I have had plenty of breakfasts, lunches and dinners with my sisters' or friends' kids. Guess what, I can help you help them. I do not expect my "mommy" friends (and boy do I hate that term...if I do have a kid, it will only call me mommy once) to just pop out for happy hour, contribute to all day Sunday Funday brunches or anything of the such, I am not sure anyone would expect that, and if they do then they are not good friends. But, if I care enough about you and love you, like I do all of my friends, then let me help you and realize that your kid is probably just as important to me as you are.
This is why this article in particular annoys me. At one point she states, "The demands of the social calendar scare us. If we're going to fit in time to actually see another human being, it's usually someone who can give us the most bang for our buck: a workout buddy or someone to chat with during a playdate, or, rarely, a meet-up with a pal who can completely de-stress us, who is totally on board with our entire excursion being completed within a 30- to 45-minute window. We do not have the time or energy for idle lingering." This statement is heart wrenching, and no I do not feel like I am being selfish, that hurt. I guess I always thought my time with friends was more than just "idle lingering." I know parents are tired, hell I babysit, it is more tiring than a 12 hour serving shift where the dining rush never ends. I know that kids are on a schedule at best, unpredictable at worst, but let me help you in anyway possible. That is what friends do. Like that old proverb, it takes a village. So in closing, I will leave you with what I feel is a better blog post that explains the plight of the non-parent, from a parent. I have a ton of empathy for this guy, at least he knows I am not trying to compete for attention with his kid. If children are in my future, I hope I can be more like him and less like Christine Skoutelas.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-kinnear/5-things-parents-need-to-stop-saying-to-non-parents_b_3573670.html
And if you do not have time to read it, I will also leave you with the most important idea of his blog..which yes, made me tear up. "Look, I know this feeling. Sometimes it feels like all the worries I had
before my kids were trivial. I understand the urge to convey that
feeling into words. Don't do it. Your life may have a different purpose
now, but your pre-kid life was an important part of your story, and your
non-kid-having friends are a part of that. Don't dismiss that part of
your life the way most people skip the foreword to a novel they really
want to read. By dismissing the "before" as just a buildup to your kids,
you are not only dismissing your friends, but you're also implying that
their story has not started yet." Just remember friends that I always want to be a part of your lives, I want your kids to be explaining to their friends at their high school graduations that I am just their mom's crazy friend....Aunt Shannon who will leave a better present than anyone else.
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