Total Disgust

    I do not have children, mostly because I find it absolutely scary to love something so uncontrollably. Just the terrifying idea of loving something so much almost causes an anxiety attack. I am often told that I actually have no idea the kind of love you feel for your own child and while that is true, I also never imagined how I would feel about my family and friends as I grew older. The way I feel about my husband is more intense than I also ever thought, and the way I love my niece and nephews is suffocating. So no, I do not know what it is like to love my own child, but I can imagine. Part of my fear is knowing that at any moment that precious, innocent thing can be ripped from the clutches of your heart at moments notice. In the process leaving an gaping, oozing wound that will never be healed, creating an empty feeling down to your very soul. At least that is what I imagine losing a child feels like. Which is why I felt the need to write this blog. I can no longer turn on the radio on my way to work and listen to BBC news tell me of another airstrike or mortar round killing children in Gaza. (And NO to all my American friends who say, "Don't listen to the news." We should all listen to the news no matter how much it hurts, how confusing the feeling leaves us. If we do not know what is going on in the world we will never have a voice in standing up to it.)

       I can no longer listen to Lt. Col. Peter Lerner describe such atrocities with buzzwords, such as "unfortunate" and "moving forward" and things like that. I no longer want to hear Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu justifying such deaths as the fault of Hamas, who first used them as human shields. When you kill four innocent children playing on beach, or three siblings feeding  pigeons on a roof, or those in the UN school this morning, sleeping soundly and falsely believing they are finally safe, there is no justification, there are no buzzwords that are going to make it better. There is nothing you can do, but profusely and emotionally apologize to the families whose hearts have been ripped from their chests. The only imagery I can muster when I hear them, are those creepy old bosses who grab your arm and make you hit yourself while thinking it is funny, not weird. Or the socially awkward friend you hate going out with who drinks too much and thinks everyone is picking a fight with them. They make excuses for their behavior because they cannot control it. This whole conflict has become a sad side-show of over-aggression and heartlessness. It is sorely lacking the human element that just makes it so easy to excuse the deaths of innocent women and children.

      Those in Hamas who are using civilians as shields have souls blacker than any anti-Christ could ever muster topped with a giant dose of cowardice. Those in Israel who quickly justify killing said shields are not far behind. It is a shame that in 2014 we are still excusing civilian casualties as a tragic consequence of war. What is the worst part about our the hideous world we live in is that we are allowing the victims to be blamed. The last time I thought long and hard about being born, I cannot remember anything about it. I certainly do not remember sitting around discussing to someone or something that I wanted to be born as Shannon Devine from Minnesota, tall, white, blonde and able bodied. Just like I did not get to chose the who, how and where I was born, neither did these poor Palestinian children. Furthermore, they did not get to say, "Hey, Hamas, come and infiltrate Gaza Strip. While you are at it, why don't your recruit all of our brothers who feel hopelessly trapped in a situation they also cannot control. Sure, take over our meager existences and while you are at, why not poke the bear who sleeps next to us and controls every aspect of our life." 

     As this conflict wears on, I am losing my patience in a world that should feel ashamed of itself. Ukranian rebels who are becoming delusionally more and more dangerous by the minute and their Russian backing increasingly belligerent. Truly becoming the abusive partner who beats up their significant other, all the while again blaming the victim. (Insert whatever title he is giving himself these days) Vladamir Putin's response is pretty much summed up by one sentence, (as he is wiping the blood from his hands) "See, look what you make me do when I am angry." (Complete with a cliched Russian accent) So more innocent lives lost, we chalk it up to another casualty in the fog of war. We do demand accountability on any ones part. We bicker over this and that while innocent families are looking for answers to a tragedy they never though would touch them in a million years.

    There is no glory in killing someone, regardless of how you feel. Snuffing out a mortal soul before its time is more than just a tragedy, it is an abomination of humanity. Land, pride, nationalism, religion, power, and greed are never worth a human life, much less a child's. So I beg you with all that is holy, if anything truly is holy anymore, to stop murdering innocent civilians. If you cannot manage to do that, I ask that you deliver the words of your apology with the emotions of a human being who realizes they truly and utterly fu@&ed up. No more buzzwords, no more justification. Take responsibility for what you are doing and beg those mothers, fathers, orphans, families, and friends for the grace of forgiveness, all of which you have not bestowed upon them. I do not care if you cry, if you retch in pain and humiliation, if you get on your hands and knees, but the killing of children deserves outrage and emotion. It deserves more than the standard, "This was an unfortunate mistake, with unintended consequences. Going forward we will make sure that we will bomb cities with the utmost surgical precision."