Just an observation

Last Saturday night I was in stitches watching my three year old nephew imitating every move I made while brushing my teeth. Down to the noise I made when I spit, he was spot on. It was probably the cutest thing I have experienced. Coincidentally the next day, the Souix City Journal in Iowa dedicated its entire front page to the topic of bullying. It was a poignant response to a  regrettable unnecessary tragedy that has become all too common in our country. A teenage child comes out of the closet, becomes the target of bullying, and tragically the situation becomes so desperate, the only out they feel as an option, is to take their own life. We can even change the circumstances, such as the student might not be a homosexual just different, but the script remains unchanging. Now, let us fast forward again to Monday, where I joyfully performed the always pleasant duty of substitute teaching. Sarcasm aside, most days I step foot into that school, I witness and experience the depths of meanness teenage and pre-teenage children are capable of. If I was not almost thirty, married, owned my own house, was able to legally purchase any alcohol I wanted, and generally way cooler than any teenager hands down, it would be a challenge for me to walk in those doors and deal with the abuse. I cannot even begin to imagine what that must feel like for a teenager who wants nothing more than just to be accepted by their peers. 

You see, to be honest, I have always been one plagued by insecurities. To friends it may come as a surprise, but to me family, no way. As a teenager I am sure my insecurities played a gigantic role in my behavior, and as a response I think I have literally blocked out a lot of memories, probably for the better. Just thinking about going to my ten year reunion this past year almost had me in hyper-ventilating, mostly because career wise I am so far behind everyone. That is besides the point. I was a tremendous athlete, I had a full scholarship for volleyball, and as a result could pretty much do whatever I wanted to in high school, yet I still felt awful. Which is why, today, it pains me see some of the student who struggle with abuse from their peers day in and day out. The kind of students who are bright, creative, different in ways that are totally awesome, and I know in the future these will be the winners, yet in high school they just do not fit into the little social box, defined by the few chosen ones. Even though their families, teachers, and many others in the communities can and most often do give them the confidence and appreciation they deserve, it is still a struggle to walk into the jungle of teenage emotions every morning. So I have a big problem with bullying. 

I think about bullying constantly. I hope and pray, for lack of memory, that I never tortured anyone the way I see it happen today. The weird thing is though, I do not see a lot of the bullying coming from insecurities. Today, it seems to come from a much scarier place...over confidence. It frustrates me that with all the work so many good people do, such as the documentary, “Bullying” or the Dan Savage “It gets better project,” that bullying still remains a stain on our society. It is for this reason mostly that I am obsessed with thinking about bullying. With so many advocates, the fact that we are living in a new century, globalization, and the general idea that, no, it is not okay for children to be doing this. At some point it goes well beyond boys being boys or girls being girls. It is about getting beyond the notion, to many parents, that kids do not need to toughen up in this cruel world. We in fact do not live in the wild west, we no longer are or have to be a pioneer nation that rests on our individual laurels and principles, the rest of our neighbors be damned. And to get back to my first paragraph, those three events combined to create a really important connection in my mind about bullying. It might be elementary thinking for those trained in the way the mind works, but for me this was an awakening of sorts.

On Monday morning, after being ridiculed by a boy because I had to tell teenagers to either, “use the rulers appropriately or put them away,” I immediately had a flashback to my sweet little nephew imitating me spitting into the sink. I then flashed back to the many debates I have witnessed whether on television, radio, newspaper, or in person about the acceptance or for many non-acceptance of homosexuality in this country. I then started thinking about the venomous nature of our political issues, the canyon of difference between social issues, and my gosh, the heated nature with which we just simply drive and go about our daily activities. Most of us seem to go about our daily lives with an imaginary chip on our shoulder, thinking people do things for the sole purpose of screwing us over. This makes us angry. It makes us angry when we drive, it makes us angry when we watch the news, it makes us angry when someone mistakenly cuts in front of us in line at the dairy queen, and it makes us angry in front our kids. 

To get to the point, our children copy us. They study our behavior and emulate from that. It is how they learn. The cues we give our children last a lifetime. When you drive aggressively, passing people for no reason, speeding because you think it is cool, etc...and your children are in the car, they pick that up. Impatiently stomping your foot in line at Starbucks because the old man with arthritic hands is having trouble getting the money out of his wallet, comes across as acceptable behavior to your child. So what happens when their classmate might hold up the class because they are having problems solving the math equation on the board in front of everyone? I think the worst one, and you know I have to go there, is the Sunday morning activity many Americans happily participate in regularly. Church. The reason I have to go there, not because I have something against churches or religion in general, it is simply that I find it ironic that many churches  tendto be the harbingers of judgement of those who are different. 

Now, many churches serve an important role in the family structure. The development of values, morals, and a general idea of service, most likely originate from a family’s continued involvement in a church. It also can serve as a beloved family tradition and more importantly (obviously) for many, it serves as a connection point to a higher being and greater spirituality in general. This is all fine and dandy and very important to society in general. Where my problem with it lies in the honest fact that many American ascribe to a faith that literally takes the bible at its word, believes homosexuals and immoral people are going to burn in hell, therefore, why should they be treated with the same acceptance of those who hold similar values to you. If you feel homosexuality is wrong or different, chances are your child will feel that way too. When Miss. America and other public figures pleasantly denounce that lifestyle as “unnatural” or “unacceptable” people pay attention. If you are hostile to certain populations, LGBT community, muslims, african americans, latinos, etc...your child will be openly hostile to those populations as well. Just like my nephew brushed his tongue when I brushed mine.

Getting back to the over-confidence, a not so attractive trait, when we keep telling them they are great, when will they know they are not? In an age where probably 50% of teenagers drive an infinitely nicer car than everyone I know except for my 2 rich friends, where they all have iPhones and iPads just for the asking, who the hell am I to dare tell them to stop hitting each other with a ruler? I do not even carry a designer bag, therefore I am not worthy to tell them to do anything. After God, they worship at the altar of materialism. This is something we have fostered, with our watching of “Real Housewives” and our ever present ability to covet everything. This is before even factoring in the open hostility many Americans are displaying to our education force. If you disrespect teachers, yell into the TV that, “all of those liberal union thugs get what they deserve and that is nothing,” or “they don’t educate anyways, it all just a left leaning curriculum designed to create democrats,” then honestly what in God’s name do you think your child thinks of their teachers? Do not get me started on the fact that, at that point, you are just wasting taxpayer money sending your child to get babysat instead of an education, and isn’t that just ironic.

We know for a fact, scientifically, that our brains are not fully developed until we are in our early twenties. It is an indisputable fact, and yes contrary to popular belief, those still do exists. How can we expect kids to make the right decisions when we are and remain poor examples of what not to do. The Sioux City Journal was one hundred percent right when they placed the blame on the community for not doing enough, because we are not doing enough. We still foster the us against the world mentality that limits our ability to accept others for who they are. We still compete to be the best when there is nothing to compete for, like wow, you got to the next exit first you are awesome. For some reason beyond me, we relish in the exercise of judgement. It is evident in every snarky comment made about neighbors, or community members. All of these little quirks of human nature combine in teenagers to make them monsters. If we do not teach them compassion and empathy, don’t expect them to help you at that Starbucks in 40 yrs when your hands are too arthritic to even carry your coffee to a nearby table. In a day where compassion and empathy are seen as weakness, our society now needs it more than ever-                              

My response to Samantha Brick

       Now, I know what you are thinking...who the hell is Samantha Brick? I know I thought the same thing. Anyways she is a freelance writer who is the most fairest of the land. Recently she wrote an article for the Daily Mail lamenting the life of a beautiful woman. She has lost friends, promotions, and countless hours, due to staring at herself in the mirror I imagine. I kid, I kid. Anyways while most scientific evidence points to the opposite effect of beauty, greater chance of hiring and promotions, people being, well, attracted to you, for Mrs. Brick life has been nothing but scorn from women and free favors from men. To be honest, Mrs. Brick is very attractive, as her photos prove, but as someone who has gorgeous friends I would love to call bullshit to the fact that it keeps her from having friends. Below are her original articles, and my letter...if you need to kill time I suggest you read them. Especially if you need a laugh today :)

 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124246/Samantha-Brick-downsides-looking-pretty-Why-women-hate-beautiful.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124782/Samantha-Brick-says-backlash-bile-yesterdays-Daily-Mail-proves-shes-right.html


So, here is my letter for Mrs. Brick.

Mrs. Brick

     I would like to point out that, first of all, you essentially called all of the women who were your friends pretty much jealous, crazy, and unattractive bitches. For the women who are not longer a prominent part of my life, I do not think I would ever call them out like that. Dropping you as a friend because they were jealous their husbands were attracted to you seems...far fetched. I might know one or two women crazy enough to do something like that, but I would not consider them my good friend, or the the very least amend my behavior in their company as to not make them uncomfortable.
      Mrs. Brick, the backlash from your article stems from the above portrayal of women. As someone with a ridiculously attractive husband, I love watching other women hit on him, it makes him squirm. I am also supremely confident in the knowledge that he is coming home with me and only me, regardless of how the other woman looks. I would venture a guess that most marriages comfortably fit into that category as well and if not, maybe they were not meant to be. So, the fact that women would drop you because their husbands were so struck by how you look just seems, almost, again far-fetched.
      I am also speaking from the position of having 3 absolutely gorgeous sisters, so maybe I am not as uncomfortable around pretty people as the women with whom you keep company. As the ugly one, among my friends included, there is no way possible I could ever dream of ditching any of the friends I have been lucky enough to find throughout my life based on looks. So I have developed two theories as to why you have been facing such repressive problems your whole life. Theory one, you, my friend, are simply hanging out with the wrong women. I say this because, I love people and I relate to people. I am the kind of person that has relatively little problems making friends, this one gift, also has given me almost a "bitch" or "crazy" alert. It goes off almost immediately. Well, easy evidence aside, like standoffish-ness, bitchy women cannot run away from being a bitch, it is like spotting a dominant dog. It is just their nature. This brings me to my second theory. Maybe, just maybe have you ever considered that the problem lie with you and your behavior? I am not trying to be mean, I am just saying. Again, coming from someone with absolutely gorgeous friends and family, they might not get free shit, like you, but I saw your pictures and they are just as pretty, if not prettier. That is besides the point. Self-reflection is the greatest tool one can use to better their self, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You happen to be the common denominator, I suggest you do a little self-reflecting.
      In closing, Mrs Brick, while I admire your elevated sense of confidence, take a step in all the women who have ever spited you shoes. Did you handle the situation with grace and poise? The one thing I have never commented on, even as a child, was how someone looked. People are born looking the way they look. If you were lucky enough to be a blessed with a beautiful face, cultivate a beautiful soul along with it. The stir caused over your original article did not prove your point in anyway. I am sorry you felt so terrible and received such unkind messages. However, you were blessed with something many women desire and you rubbed it in every woman's face. To many of us, you have always lived the easy life, you always had your looks to fall back on and they undoubtedly have gotten you places. Perhaps, if you treat fellow women with an ounce of empathy, instead of indignation because they are not giving you what you want, then maybe  your friend department would look a lot more like your romance department, full. You need to understand that we live in a world that revolves around looks, and you obviously hold all the cards. Have a little compassion for the rest of us please.

Sincerely,
Shannon


   

Why We NEVER Move Forward

It is always the same statistics and the same stories used as evidence. But, two separate conclusions derived from said evidence. The conclusion, however, is irrelevant because that essentially is  not what it is about. It is about fitting the evidence to the story and the pre-determined political narrative, which I feel negates the argument from the beginning. It is all irrelevant if you are not going to take the evidence and formulate the proper conclusion from it, regardless of what you personally want the outcome to state.

What the hell am I talking about? Politics...duh. I hate modern politics and everything that goes along with it. I focused part of my thesis on political ideology, I am obsessed with keeping up on current events, and I find the more I do this with anything in life, the more ridiculous I find it to be. Politics is no different. Democrats, Republicans, Liberals, Conservatives, and Libertarians use the same tired arguments over and over and over again. Regardless of situation, regardless of the argument, regardless of the date, and regardless of how long our society has existed. And, dare I say, regardless of the original problem that so desperately needs a conclusion or God forbid action.

Can you imagine the dire straits society would find itself in had the evolution of the entire medical technological industry went into every study or experiment with a pre-determined outcome of what they wanted to find. "Oh, well, that did not work the way we wanted it to, so we have 2 options, 1. Scrap it, it will never work, or 2. pretend it worked the way we wanted it to and we will deal with the consequences later." Can you imagine the outcome if they had this theory when developing the polio vaccine? Impartiality is a thing of the past when people can use the same statistics to define the argument the way it suits them best. Quite frankly I just cannot figure out why we are okay with the whole notion of, “It is what I say it is, because I say it is, and even though you came up with a different conclusion with the same evidence, just means that you manipulated it, not me.” Whose fault is this anyways? Postmodernism? The media or politicians? Our sorry state of education?

I find it quite old fashioned to be using the same tired arguments over and over again. When you think about this phenomenon, ideology aside, it is convenient to do, because you already have a tailored argument for every problem that arises. What I am beginning to believe is that we have lost our philosophical way. To be clear, there are voice out there. Innovative, intellectual minds who are yelling, “Wait a minute! This might not be relevant anymore.” But, innovative intellectual is beat out by innovative technological and that is all we value. So inevitably, we revert back to the same old “Founding Fathers” argument and we go back to our respective corners to discuss our next move, which inevitably has already been used, bringing everyone back to square one. Or circle one, because isn’t that what we are doing, just arguing in circles.

To be less abstract...I swear to God that I will scream if I hear one more conservative use the whole argument, “Well, if we let them do this, then where will they stop.” Seriously, it is not like we are one the verge of a new reign of Hitler and if you seriously think that is what Obama is you are messed up in the head, same with those who thought that of Bush. In 2012, this is a cliche and soon we will be comparing buying health insurance to something as irrelevant as buying broccoli. Oh...wait. Or the whole obstinate argument of, “I do not know how much more clear we can be, we are the 99%.” Seriously, you think that clear and what the hell does that really mean? The latter give such little credit to our society and the voice we have in our government, the other give too much credit in thinking that 99% of people feel alienated or that we really have hours to sit around and let everyone air their grievances while we shout the repeat. I mean, for God’s sake, when you think about the grand scheme of IT ALL, it is pretty silly when people on this small planet are being massacred by their governments, or setting themselves on fire in protest of their oppression. Being able to buy something that you need, or protesting for months in a park without having to work, is pretty insignificant to having to choose, in the middle of a Somali desert, which one of your children is going to get the little bit of food you have and which you will have to bury in said desert. I obviously feel like our country is a far cry from tyranny and despotism and argue otherwise...see above examples.I think we are safe from communist infiltration, and most things people are afraid of. Or have we all just become so comfortable with conspiracy theories that we truly believe we can't let our guard down to enjoy life even in the slightest bit because, Muslim jihadists, mega corporations, and the Russians will take over and soon we will find ourselves sending 24 children to an arena to fight to the death?

And this is the problem with one of the greatest countries in the world. It is not 1776 anymore, and for that matter, it is not 1945 either. In 2012  we can fly to the other side of the world in less than 24 hours. We have corporations with offices in cities around the world. We truly are a global society. This alone, makes so many national issues black and white, not gray. Most of our electronics are made in China, a fact which ironically conspiracy theorist ignore. I mean they could be putting secret cameras and recording devices into our products in a bid to gather information and gradually take over our country, but that is another topic. Anyways none of this matters if we continue to use the same tired arguments and cliches to fight against changes that need to be made. None of the arguments used quite frankly do not trust Americans to make the right decisions, in the privacy of a voters booth, and the fact that statistics can now and are manipulated so regularly makes the whole idea that someone is right and someone is wrong completely trivial. Is there even a truth to anything anymore? Crap, now I sound like a conspiracy theorist.

There is one thing that can be said about Americans. They never do things half-assed (Vietnam aside). Go big or go home should be the national motto right? So, it is only appropriate that we have taken democracy to a whole new level. We let political parties effectively pit citizens against one another. The only new rite of passage now, in conjunction with the right to vote at the age of 18, is to pick sides. In one corner there is God, Guns, Country Music and “Freedom”, in the other drum circle there is Consensus, Civil Rights, U2, and Free Speech. I find myself asking, why are those the only dominate choices? Why can’t “Freedom” and Consensus go hand and hand. How come only guns and freedom? What about Free Speech and God? And what the hell is wrong with listening to Johnny Cash and Stevie Wonder? More importantly, can someone please explain to me how buying broccoli is so similar to buying health insurance? 

 

The Ultimate Frustration

   I know that no one will agree with me on this topic. Not many people do, but this is one subject that I have thought about, written about ( a whole entire thesis) and researched a lot about and it is the topic of political ideology. I have studied Edmund Burke, Arthur Schlesinger Jr., Irving Kristol, and many others. I suffered through book after book about the topic during graduate school to the point where my incessant self-reflection on the matter almost drove me crazy. It is for this reason alone that I am so glad I was on vacation when the super-committee failed. Had I been home, my computers would have been found on the sidewalk, broken in frustration, along with my televisions and radios. Instead, I took the news half drunk on a beach in St. Maarten, thank God.

   With all of my hard work, researching, writing, and graduating behind me, I can honestly say, "HA! You stupid politicians! At least I would be able to control my passions, judgements, insecurities, irrationality, and most importantly my ambition to do something good for my own country." I can also honestly say if you are someone who champions this failure, then God helps us all. This is not the kind of democracy and government our "founding fathers" envisioned. This is something  I know about and it scares me to see, nay, experience, in this...our nation's time of need. Can you imagine how America's history would have unfolded had our government always been racked with inaction and an inability to come to a consensus. Also, if you have forgotten a consensus does not mean one way or the other. Again, I say shame on you if this is what you espouse.

    Imagine how many solutions are off the table when one party, with one ideology goes it alone. I might even go so far as to say it is very similar to totalitarian governments, one party, one solution, a whole population without a voice. We should be well aware of all, when I say all I mean more than two, the different economic, social, and religious theories out there. That being said, if you can wake up every morning and look in the mirror with the honest moral certitude in knowing that what you think is the right and the only way without one fiber of doubt, then I cannot decided whether to congratulate you what I see as an impossible feat, or bite my tongue while holding the utmost contempt for your contribution to the downfall of our society. Because, I my friends, questions every thought that pops into my head, every answer to every questions, every analysis to everything I read, every feeling, every emotion, every action, every dream, every experience, and every conclusion. I used to think it was a curse. That I would be bound to aimlessly wander this difficult world without any sort direction, but the older I get I find myself with more opportunities. It has granted me the ability to change with time, circumstance, and the unpredictable. It is something our government should be able to do, but I am finding it crippled with inaction because of the demands from a growing segment of the population, conservative and liberal, who cleave to the notion that resting on your laurels and principles in an unbending fashion is a virtue to be emulated. I will not deny that there are basic principles and common decencies that should always be adhered to, but if in that quest we allow for incompetence and tyranny, if we cannot better ourselves with the time and circumstances we are given, then what is the point of living. We move forward with the future, and this may be my inner coach, but if you cannot wake up every morning excited for what the future will bring then you will never move forward. If you wake up every morning, looking to repeat what happened yesterday, then how can you look forward to a new day, with new beginnings.

    Look at the original Neoconservatives, Irving Kristol, Ben Wattenberg, Paul Wolfowitz, or Jeanne Kirkpatrick, even they took a multi-ideological approach to their politics. They took the what they perceived as the best of conservative foreign policy ideas and combined those ideas with the best liberal domestic policy ideas then formed the basis of their own group. Unfortunately it was hijacked by narrow minded ambitious power grabbers, like so much in this country, and the neoconservative ideas that originated in the 1970's are completely unrecognizable today. Taking this ultra-partisan approach to anything is quite frankly, obtuse. It reflects an inability to see anything beyond your own nose and I have a hard time believing this will ultimately help America solve its problems. In reality, I see it as the major factor contributing to America's ruin.  

The Loss of Civility

  A lot of people have been writing about the subject of values and morals lately, so I understand it is an over done topic. However, after my last two weeks, a discussion with my father, and a lot of self-reflection, I was able to come to my own conclusion, though as of today, it is of little solace. Right now the only job I can get is substitute teaching. If I was not married to the best husband in the world, I would not even come close to being able to support myself. There is nothing I want more than a "real" job, a career, where I can feel like I have a purpose, and contribute to my families finances in a meaningful way. That would be ideal, but right now I feel like I am being responsible by taking whatever work I can get. For many it still is not good enough, regularly pointed out by statements from public figures, and just people in general on places like Facebook or the editorials.

  On days that I get to work, I wake up and drive to the school. When the bell rings, the torture begins. "Quiet down, sit in your assigned seats so I can take attendance." After that there is usually a tense moment, like two dogs meeting for the first time and they are measuring each others weaknesses. I do not flinch, I am a little tougher than most, which comes from my years as an athlete, taking regular abuse from coaches. Inevitably they get restless, and this is where the problem lies. If they ask me to go to the bathroom or get a drink, 9 times out of 10 I will say yes. If they ask if they can sit wherever they want, I bargain with them. "If you guys work quietly, then for the last half you can sit where ever you want." More often than not, recently, I have been getting push back from the students, simply for asking them to act like, well decent students. If I received $5 for every time I was called a "bitch" by one of my students for not letting them do whatever they want when they want to do it, I would be able to retire early, without ever even having a real career. I get that no one respects substitute teachers, especially when so many do not even respect regular teachers. Now I realize it is not even just respecting teachers, it also respecting doctors, lawyers, police officers, or the waitress at your neighborhood restaurant. We do not respect each other period. We all know better than everyone else, and guess what? That attitude is rubbing off on our children. Why would they respect anyone, when their parents do not respect anyone?

    The idea that we are constantly trying to screw or dig on one other is over-rampant. "The teacher is just picking on my kid, know one knows my kid better than I do!" To these parents I would love to ask, do you know how your kid acts with 30 other kids, is that a dynamic you are familiar with, then do you know your child's group of friends better than anyone else? "What does that doctor know, they are just in it for the money, same with the lawyer." Are you going to diagnose yourself and represent yourself in court, since you know more than them? My favorite though has always been the waitress thing. Being an over-educated waitress myself, it is not hard to understand why we need to have a drink after our shift ends. The scenario goes something like this: I walk up to a table of 4, who sat at a table for 6, at the old martini lounge I used to work at. I take their drink orders, come back with them, take their food orders. Writing nothing down, I nod at the last order. Out of one of the ladies mouth, "Um...don't you have to write this down or something? We don't really have time for you to mess up our order." After checking the urge to slap her across the face, I calmly respond, that, being a history and art history majors, I am pretty much expected to remember the history of whole world. I then explain that because of this, I probably have the ability to remember their 4 orders for the 1 minute it takes me to walk to the computer and enter their requests. Needless to say, her husband tipped me very graciously that night. However, I cannot help but wonder, if it is one of her kids that calls me a "bitch" on a regular basis.

   Face it we are nasty to one another. We are so judgmental, ready to pounce on someone with an "I told you so." We love to point out others alleged mistakes, even if said actor does not even think they have made a mistake. What is completely ironic and ridiculous is that we understand our culture to be a completely individualistic society. It is something America has prided itself on, just watch an old western or read an American classic book. For taking pride in our individualism, we sure are quick to stick our noses where they do not belong. We seem to relish in causing pain for others, pointing out others faults, "AHA!" and take a sick pride in all these "Got ya!" moments. Whatever we can do to prove that we are better than others are eagerly sought after. We are being swallowed by our greedy ambition to always seek and prove our worth above all others. Sadly it is being reflected in our youth. As much as I love catching up with old friends on Facebook, I equally hate it for letting others put me down for my decisions or life in general. I hate than nobody stands up to this behavior, except maybe Paul Krugman in his article today. Honestly, ask yourself, what have you done today to make someone feel good or bad. Are you addicted to pointing out other people flaws, regardless of the fact that you might not know what life has thrown at different people. Can you see beyond your own nose, or are you so high on yourself that this post is making your blood boil? Christians often say that only Jesus was perfect. I tend to believe them when they say this, and I wonder, if Americans have forgotten this.    

Ambition

   Ambition is defined as, an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment. As I revel in the self-pity only those unemployed or underemployed understand, it is only natural that I question every decision I have made in the past three years. It is the curse only those with too much time must bear. It is greatly exacerbated by every employment rejection received, especially those with the too inexperienced, too under-qualified, or the too over-qualified, etc..If I would have stayed in my old job, where would I be? Then I begin to lament my lack of ambition. However, all of the reason why I have done what I have done, come flooding back to me. Waking up with anxiety every day, grinding my teeth when I slept, the little sleep I did get. I worked for a madman and that is the greatest curse of all (especially because I cannot put him as a reference since he ran his business into the ground.) So it is not lack of ambition, it was my desire to truly enjoy what I do, and not gain 25 lbs due to the stress of a career, commute, and boss who was an utter nightmare. Regardless of what "the college senior who is perfect" or Herman Cain say, I do not lack ambition. My motives are sincerely different than most others.

    I, unlike many, am asking for something different. It in no ways means I am lazy or unmotivated, I have just assessed my ambition differently. My ultimate goal is to not be wealthy or powerful, I simply want to be happy and make a difference in what I do, and I want to be able to get by while doing it. I am trying to avoid the endless ambition of those who are never happy in their job, home, relationships, and life in general because they always want more. The idea that there is something greater, materialistic wise, out there can only mean that you will never be happy, because when is enough, enough. When I sink in despair, whether it is because I am debating what I can or cannot afford or get another job rejection, I simply have to remember my motivation.

    Monday was a rough day, that stupid letter written by the alleged college senior, telling everyone how great he/she is and how you have to be a complete idiot to end up not like that person was making the rounds on Facebook again. Here I am on the train, sick with snot literally pouring from my nose and delayed of course and without Kleenex(and I had finished the book I brought with), and there it was staring at me, the 29 year old, with student loan debt, no great job prospects, and a 1996 Volvo that recently has been having trouble just even getting me to Waukegan. It was enough to put anyone into a funk in circumstances even remotely similar to mine. Tuesday as I cleaned my house again, for about the hundredth time in the last month, I wallowed deeper and deeper in to the abyss of self-doubt. By Tuesday night, I was on the verge of drinking a whole bottle of wine, when I saw a new Frontline was on PBS. Watching that episode was enough to remind me of my mission. Like I said, it is not to be wealthy, or powerful, it is simply to make a difference and be happy. While I might be struggling right now, at least I am being true to myself.

    You see, that Frontline episode highlighted our immigration problems in the United States. It displayed the agony being inflicted on families, good families, with good kids and good hearts, all because our Federal Government is completely inept. It is inept for one reason and one reason only, ambition. The old fashioned ambition that caused the perpetual wars throughout the world, pre-enlightenment period. The Hundred Years War, the War of Roses, etc...all of those glorious battles between knights and kings with the express purpose of changing the existing world order because of greed and unchecked ambition. I almost gagged as I watched President Obama's Director of Intergovernmental Affairs, Cecilia Muñoz sell-out her beloved cause for the enjoyment of the position she holds now. All of the hard work for La Raza, down the drain, her voice filled with spite as she declares the President is only doing what he is doing because of congress. Like he cannot stand up for his cause, like she cannot stand up for her cause. I often feel the same about President Obama. I sometimes chide myself for thinking he sold himself out these last years, and for what? To remain in office for another four years. I might be in rough spot right now, but at least I will not sell out my beliefs and principles for the sort of ambition that propels me to the understanding that regardless of everything I am doing now, there is something better out there. I will not sell my principles for money or power, or to join the robotic corporate machinery. It is not just Democrats who do this, look at Republicans, especially those of the establishment who find themselves fighting amongst those who claim to be in their own party, to hold on or move higher in their position.

      So while I might have student loans (Holy crap that must be treasonous now days...I should probably hang for it) and a 1996 Volvo, at least I have an amazing husband, dog, and house that I would never trade for all the money in the world. It is not the money anyone should be seeking. Money is good admittedly, and we need it, but we also need to live with dignity, principle, and compassion for others. So I for one am going to hold out. Continue to be true to myself, even if it means going to job interviews in clothes that are totally appropriate (GOD FORBID I DO NOT WEAR AN UGLY WOMEN'S BUSINESS SUIT) but show that I have a personality, because I am sure there is a company out there that will recognize I do have a lot skills, (even though I was completely moronic enough to take out a student loan...man I should probably be deported for that) a great work ethic, and ambition. I am worth something, a lot of people out there are worth something, regardless of if they are having trouble finding employment, or took out a student loan. It truly makes me sad that I even have to write that, because we are all Americans, and neighbors and a community. Wanting the best for everyone is not a crime and it is NOT Socialism or Communism, it just means you have enough AMBITION to care about others and believe in the greater world around you.  

I Need Some Soul

  Lately I have been listening to a lot of artists like Sam Cooke, James Brown, and Otis Redding. I think it is because they are giving me something I am craving and missing. Their music, Sam Cooke especially, exudes raw emotion and the lyrics just take my breath away. "If you ever change your about leavin', leavin' me behind." Completely different than, lets say, Katy Perry. There is nothing wrong with that. I love me some Katy on a Friday night, when I act like I am still young enough to go out into the wee hours in the morning, when in reality I end up in bed at 12am. It is great party music. What Sam Cooke offers me on the other hand is plain naked honesty and passion. "I will always be your slave, until I'm buried, buried in my grave."

   Aside from the sappy love part, the passion these Soul or R&B singers embody is enviable. A love of music, making music, singing, and performing. In short, loving what they do. There is nothing more satisfying than making something beautiful, whether it is a map, a cake, a photo, or just being successful. I miss that feeling. The feeling of purpose that is missing when you just do not have a job, or you have a job, like me substituting mean teenagers. For some people, the idea that finding work is hard is completely incomprehensible, like Herman Cain. Well I am sorry Mr. Cain. It is not that I  am not trying, submitting resumes almost everyday. This is not by choice and I bet, I just bet, that if you look at the activity of the rest of those who are unemployed, it is probably the same. So there is nothing that I think is more discouraging, more heartless, more disgusting, and more pitiful than someone standing there, telling the world through CNN or Fox News, that those of us who are not working are not trying. That we are lazy and like to be unemployed. It is not productive and it is scary that those types of words come from people in respected positions. All I want is a career at this point, it does not have to be my passion, just enough to make my student loan payments, and maybe get new brakes in my 1996(that is not a typo) Volvo. I can keep fulfilling my needs to create something beautiful or to have passion through listening to Sam Cooke. All I need from people like Herman Cain is to have a heart and soul and be less like Gargamel, scolding and chiding those he feels are lesser.