Everyday most of us strive to live the life that best suits our needs, be them immediate or long term. I need coffee to wake up. It is immediate and even though its a normative, minuscule task, I still only exert a certain amount of control in my even being able to complete the process in order to make sure I get coffee. There could have been some accident rendering my water supply contaminated. My dog could have jumped up and broke my coffee maker, the Starbucks or deli down the street could have burned down. There are things beyond my control that could totally paralyze my ability to meet my need for coffee. Now, it probably seems like a stupid example, but if our tiny needs through out the day are not 100% in our control, the bigger ones are even more complex. And this is what has been rattling around in my brain. How much control do we actually have, and furthermore, how much do our desires to control our own outcomes effect other people?
I get the concept of control and how appealing it is psychologically. You can decided what happens, avoid the bad, be better, do better, have better. Get what you want when you want because you are in control. It is safe, it is easy, and more importantly it is something that you wholly own. It is yours. Your own concept of control is enacted by your own definition of it. But, the dichotomy of control and controlling is often put on the back burner, mostly not even realized. Because, as I stated from above, how much does our desire for control effect other people? Our relationships within the family, marital, friendships, and so forth. If we are each and solely in control or our lives, then when we intersect there are two independent forces fighting for control. No matter how much we refuse to admit it or realize it. It is scary for many to acquiesce their control. Look at backseat drivers, people who criticize the most mundane tasks like cooking. How does one reconcile the big ones?
Admittedly I think about this a lot because sometimes control is over rated. It makes us too hard on ourselves and too hard on other people. "If he could just control his feelings he wouldn't be in this mess." "All she has to do is exert a bit of control and she could have what she wants." When dealing with other people the idea of control lets us off the hook, we get to write off their failures as their own fault. Why should we be bothered with feelings of sympathy or empathy because someone was lax in their control. On a personal level, and especially in America, we are saddled with expectations of perfection. Ideologically individualized, constantly driven by the concept of not having anyone to blame but ourselves. I think its utterly preposterous. We want to control our lives but we have to be careful. At the same time we have to display effusive amounts of gratitude for "what we have," in total spite of how we might be feeling at that moment or years down the road. This renders the idea of real control utterly mute, and it is even more glaring when we are intersecting with other people. Control as a double edge sword sucks, and is especially susceptible to sucking depending on who is wielding it. Despite desiring control of our lives we are still help up to normative standards of our society, which makes us desperately cling to our control even more, scaring the shit out of people who feel out of control and so on and so forth. Fast forward to anxiety and a host of other problems.
Is control a useful tool in holding ourselves accountable? Very much so. Does it help us to reach our goals and stay on track? Absolutely. All I wish is for us to remember the downsides when we hold on to it too rigidly. When we rest on our control like it is some sort of Puritanical laurel of achievement. Ironically too many Americans consider our nation to be a Christian one, if that were ultimately the truth, the need for control would diminish. We wouldn't need it because we have faith. What amuses me about the idea of control is that fact that I have a pretty total lack of said faith, but no strong desire to fight and push for my version of control. It is probably lazy on my part but I want to be forgiving of myself and those around me. I see the world as so interconnected there is just no way that my own actions will ever solely effect just me no matter how hard I try or how little I think about the effects of my actions. I also want to see life changing and I want to give myself permission to change with it and those around me as well. So as Ralph Ellison said in Invisible Man, “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” We can try to be the most perfect human being, the best versions of ourselves, exert the utmost amount of control in the process, but after all, we are only human beings. We are all on the precipice of defeat because that is what it means to be human and fallible.
Me
Monday, October 17, 2016
To be or not to be: In Control
Everyday most of us strive to live the life that best suits our needs, be them immediate or long term. I need coffee to wake up. It is immediate and even though its a normative, minuscule task, I still only exert a certain amount of control in my even being able to complete the process in order to make sure I get coffee. There could have been some accident rendering my water supply contaminated. My dog could have jumped up and broke my coffee maker, the Starbucks or deli down the street could have burned down. There are things beyond my control that could totally paralyze my ability to meet my need for coffee. Now, it probably seems like a stupid example, but if our tiny needs through out the day are not 100% in our control, the bigger ones are even more complex. And this is what has been rattling around in my brain. How much control do we actually have, and furthermore, how much do our desires to control our own outcomes effect other people?
I get the concept of control and how appealing it is psychologically. You can decided what happens, avoid the bad, be better, do better, have better. Get what you want when you want because you are in control. It is safe, it is easy, and more importantly it is something that you wholly own. It is yours. Your own concept of control is enacted by your own definition of it. But, the dichotomy of control and controlling is often put on the back burner, mostly not even realized. Because, as I stated from above, how much does our desire for control effect other people? Our relationships within the family, marital, friendships, and so forth. If we are each and solely in control or our lives, then when we intersect there are two independent forces fighting for control. No matter how much we refuse to admit it or realize it. It is scary for many to acquiesce their control. Look at backseat drivers, people who criticize the most mundane tasks like cooking. How does one reconcile the big ones?
Admittedly I think about this a lot because sometimes control is over rated. It makes us too hard on ourselves and too hard on other people. "If he could just control his feelings he wouldn't be in this mess." "All she has to do is exert a bit of control and she could have what she wants." When dealing with other people the idea of control lets us off the hook, we get to write off their failures as their own fault. Why should we be bothered with feelings of sympathy or empathy because someone was lax in their control. On a personal level, and especially in America, we are saddled with expectations of perfection. Ideologically individualized, constantly driven by the concept of not having anyone to blame but ourselves. I think its utterly preposterous. We want to control our lives but we have to be careful. At the same time we have to display effusive amounts of gratitude for "what we have," in total spite of how we might be feeling at that moment or years down the road. This renders the idea of real control utterly mute, and it is even more glaring when we are intersecting with other people. Control as a double edge sword sucks, and is especially susceptible to sucking depending on who is wielding it. Despite desiring control of our lives we are still help up to normative standards of our society, which makes us desperately cling to our control even more, scaring the shit out of people who feel out of control and so on and so forth. Fast forward to anxiety and a host of other problems.
Is control a useful tool in holding ourselves accountable? Very much so. Does it help us to reach our goals and stay on track? Absolutely. All I wish is for us to remember the downsides when we hold on to it too rigidly. When we rest on our control like it is some sort of Puritanical laurel of achievement. Ironically too many Americans consider our nation to be a Christian one, if that were ultimately the truth, the need for control would diminish. We wouldn't need it because we have faith. What amuses me about the idea of control is that fact that I have a pretty total lack of said faith, but no strong desire to fight and push for my version of control. It is probably lazy on my part but I want to be forgiving of myself and those around me. I see the world as so interconnected there is just no way that my own actions will ever solely effect just me no matter how hard I try or how little I think about the effects of my actions. I also want to see life changing and I want to give myself permission to change with it and those around me as well. So as Ralph Ellison said in Invisible Man, “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” We can try to be the most perfect human being, the best versions of ourselves, exert the utmost amount of control in the process, but after all, we are only human beings. We are all on the precipice of defeat because that is what it means to be human and fallible.
I get the concept of control and how appealing it is psychologically. You can decided what happens, avoid the bad, be better, do better, have better. Get what you want when you want because you are in control. It is safe, it is easy, and more importantly it is something that you wholly own. It is yours. Your own concept of control is enacted by your own definition of it. But, the dichotomy of control and controlling is often put on the back burner, mostly not even realized. Because, as I stated from above, how much does our desire for control effect other people? Our relationships within the family, marital, friendships, and so forth. If we are each and solely in control or our lives, then when we intersect there are two independent forces fighting for control. No matter how much we refuse to admit it or realize it. It is scary for many to acquiesce their control. Look at backseat drivers, people who criticize the most mundane tasks like cooking. How does one reconcile the big ones?
Admittedly I think about this a lot because sometimes control is over rated. It makes us too hard on ourselves and too hard on other people. "If he could just control his feelings he wouldn't be in this mess." "All she has to do is exert a bit of control and she could have what she wants." When dealing with other people the idea of control lets us off the hook, we get to write off their failures as their own fault. Why should we be bothered with feelings of sympathy or empathy because someone was lax in their control. On a personal level, and especially in America, we are saddled with expectations of perfection. Ideologically individualized, constantly driven by the concept of not having anyone to blame but ourselves. I think its utterly preposterous. We want to control our lives but we have to be careful. At the same time we have to display effusive amounts of gratitude for "what we have," in total spite of how we might be feeling at that moment or years down the road. This renders the idea of real control utterly mute, and it is even more glaring when we are intersecting with other people. Control as a double edge sword sucks, and is especially susceptible to sucking depending on who is wielding it. Despite desiring control of our lives we are still help up to normative standards of our society, which makes us desperately cling to our control even more, scaring the shit out of people who feel out of control and so on and so forth. Fast forward to anxiety and a host of other problems.
Is control a useful tool in holding ourselves accountable? Very much so. Does it help us to reach our goals and stay on track? Absolutely. All I wish is for us to remember the downsides when we hold on to it too rigidly. When we rest on our control like it is some sort of Puritanical laurel of achievement. Ironically too many Americans consider our nation to be a Christian one, if that were ultimately the truth, the need for control would diminish. We wouldn't need it because we have faith. What amuses me about the idea of control is that fact that I have a pretty total lack of said faith, but no strong desire to fight and push for my version of control. It is probably lazy on my part but I want to be forgiving of myself and those around me. I see the world as so interconnected there is just no way that my own actions will ever solely effect just me no matter how hard I try or how little I think about the effects of my actions. I also want to see life changing and I want to give myself permission to change with it and those around me as well. So as Ralph Ellison said in Invisible Man, “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” We can try to be the most perfect human being, the best versions of ourselves, exert the utmost amount of control in the process, but after all, we are only human beings. We are all on the precipice of defeat because that is what it means to be human and fallible.
Monday, August 29, 2016
What is Perfection?
On a longer boat trip yesterday, I settled down to read and take a much needed nap. It was the close to another long and tiring weekend, that also ended up being personally challenging as well. I am the type of person that very much lives in my head and to me, I am always the problem and while I am cognizant of that fact, and despite my near constant failure, I am always looking to be better, to do better, to be the perfection I see in everyone else. So, I was excited when I found this article (http://qz.com/762868/giving-up-alcohol-opened-my-eyes-to-the-infuriating-truth-about-why-women-drink/) on my news feed and settled down to read it. At first it was awesome and I could not have agreed more and it made me feel a little better about myself until the end. The piece closed with the author and a a few other women, at the 'deep end' of the pool essentially judging a group of other women at the 'shallow end' for drinking at a bachelorette party. Not only did it ruin the article, it made me sad. Sad that here was an otherwise awesome and relatable article for women in general that became over-shadowed, at least for me, again by the fact that women always feel the need to judge others to validate their life. It made me sad for the author because she has a story to tell, she has needs, wants, feelings and failures, but why add that part at the end. The little part that invalidates the women's lives she is judging, for reasons unbeknownst to me, because it did not seem an imperative to the story that she was writing, unless I misread the whole piece and the only point she was trying to convey was that she was at some form of higher understanding which made her better than other women who still drink, even just a little. But, it didn't seem like that.
It got me thinking about why I was so bothered by it. Then I started thinking about all the women I smiled at this weekend at the regatta only to be met with scowls, some have been doing it for years but year after year I keep smiling. Like I have said before sailing is one of the most misogynistic activities a woman can participate in, silly me for thinking other women would want a conspiratorial grin (we made it through another day) much less to talk after a day of being out on the water with 3 men in a 22 ft boat. There are definitely awesome women sailors, who love to talk about the day on the water, and just because you want to be friendly with someone, it does not mean they have to be friendly with you, but for me it will always sucks because I do take it personally and like I said, I am aware of my short comings, believe me. I just wish that us women could be better to each other sometimes, nay, all the times. Not just more understanding, but more forgiving.
You see, I am sure all of this thinking is precipitated by my upcoming birthday and thinking about the past year. My 33rd year on this planet has been an weird one. Fun, but frustrating. I have gotten closer to some awesome people, went on adventures with some cool cats, have been frustrated by my near constant failures concerning employment and other areas, have gotten to spend a ton of time with family, and in general am still trying to figure out who I am in all of this. How can I be better, how can I be like the people I know, how can I be less frustrating, more perfect. I keep waiting for myself to figure it out, like everyone else has. What can be said when the same issues you had at 17, 23, and 27 crop up still when you are 33? My biggest question in all of this continues to simply be, "When will I grow up?" As weird as I am, I cannot be the only one with insecurities.
So as you can see, with all of this, it is easy to sit back and let my jealousy of all of you guide my need to judge. But, that is the one thing I can honestly say I am and have been cognizant about in the last year and it was why I was so bothered by the end of the article. It is why I am bothered by smile thing. So many of you are doing awesome an amazing things, when I see pictures, when I talk to you, whenever something negative floats into my head, and lets be honest we all do it, I have been mentally slapping myself. Not a face palming gesture, but a literal bitch slap to myself in my brain and chastising to stop it. Stop it because we all feel crappy sometimes so we need to live in our triumphs and perfect moments. I mentally slap myself to stop wishing people felt my failures or failure period, because they most likely do have their own. I don't want to be the kind of person who judges someone I know nothing about, and I most certainly do not want to be the kind of person who judges someone I know a lot about, because as much as we know them we are not them. So instead of judging someone, next time think about why. Is it our own failures driving us? Can we reconcile our personal experiences to the world around us and realize everyone has a different experience? Most of all, for all of my lady friends out there, think about how awesome our lives would be if we embraced each other instead of the constant competing. To women we know and don't know, lets offer each other a bit of grace because we most likely are NOT going to get it from anywhere else, so lets give each other the grace we deserve. We all strive for perfection, but for those of you I know, you are all pretty perfect to me, and for those women I don't I am sure you are too in your own way. It might not be you, but the society we live in.
It got me thinking about why I was so bothered by it. Then I started thinking about all the women I smiled at this weekend at the regatta only to be met with scowls, some have been doing it for years but year after year I keep smiling. Like I have said before sailing is one of the most misogynistic activities a woman can participate in, silly me for thinking other women would want a conspiratorial grin (we made it through another day) much less to talk after a day of being out on the water with 3 men in a 22 ft boat. There are definitely awesome women sailors, who love to talk about the day on the water, and just because you want to be friendly with someone, it does not mean they have to be friendly with you, but for me it will always sucks because I do take it personally and like I said, I am aware of my short comings, believe me. I just wish that us women could be better to each other sometimes, nay, all the times. Not just more understanding, but more forgiving.
You see, I am sure all of this thinking is precipitated by my upcoming birthday and thinking about the past year. My 33rd year on this planet has been an weird one. Fun, but frustrating. I have gotten closer to some awesome people, went on adventures with some cool cats, have been frustrated by my near constant failures concerning employment and other areas, have gotten to spend a ton of time with family, and in general am still trying to figure out who I am in all of this. How can I be better, how can I be like the people I know, how can I be less frustrating, more perfect. I keep waiting for myself to figure it out, like everyone else has. What can be said when the same issues you had at 17, 23, and 27 crop up still when you are 33? My biggest question in all of this continues to simply be, "When will I grow up?" As weird as I am, I cannot be the only one with insecurities.
So as you can see, with all of this, it is easy to sit back and let my jealousy of all of you guide my need to judge. But, that is the one thing I can honestly say I am and have been cognizant about in the last year and it was why I was so bothered by the end of the article. It is why I am bothered by smile thing. So many of you are doing awesome an amazing things, when I see pictures, when I talk to you, whenever something negative floats into my head, and lets be honest we all do it, I have been mentally slapping myself. Not a face palming gesture, but a literal bitch slap to myself in my brain and chastising to stop it. Stop it because we all feel crappy sometimes so we need to live in our triumphs and perfect moments. I mentally slap myself to stop wishing people felt my failures or failure period, because they most likely do have their own. I don't want to be the kind of person who judges someone I know nothing about, and I most certainly do not want to be the kind of person who judges someone I know a lot about, because as much as we know them we are not them. So instead of judging someone, next time think about why. Is it our own failures driving us? Can we reconcile our personal experiences to the world around us and realize everyone has a different experience? Most of all, for all of my lady friends out there, think about how awesome our lives would be if we embraced each other instead of the constant competing. To women we know and don't know, lets offer each other a bit of grace because we most likely are NOT going to get it from anywhere else, so lets give each other the grace we deserve. We all strive for perfection, but for those of you I know, you are all pretty perfect to me, and for those women I don't I am sure you are too in your own way. It might not be you, but the society we live in.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Blood in the Streets
Yesterday, I was scrolling through my news feed and came to the Milwaukee news section. The first story was about a 17 year old boy leading police on a chase, being arrested, and now faces a few felony charges. I immediately felt bad for him. I felt bad because he never had a chance in this world. I felt bad because someone should have been there to guide him through his life, yet in light of his actions, it seems clear no one was there. I felt bad because the way he is, is not entirely his fault. He is only seventeen, the brain has yet to even fully formed, and he unfortunately screwed in a big way. It simultaneously and glaringly reflected my status in this country. Though, and through, my parents hard work, though, and through, my hard work, and my husband's, we have solidified our status a part of the privileged class in America. Most of the people I know, save a handful, reside in this class, despite their inability to see this.
So, this causes me to confess my confusion as to why so many in this country resonate with such a negative message of the realities of living in 2016 America. I do not feel oppressed, I do not feel suppressed. Am I fearful sometimes? Yes, but overall I look around and there so many great things about being here, I just have a hard time feeling disenfranchised, and for the people I know on Facebook, most of you are pretty lucky as well. You get to have children and not worry about if they will starve to death. You get to travel, skateboard, snowboard, ski, or sail most of your days away. You get to be stay-at-home dads or moms. You get to start and run your own businesses. You get to eat out, or eat in, but you get to eat. You can pretty much say whatever you want, whenever you want. You can watch Game of Thrones, drive your cars thousands of miles, vote, wear whatever your want, and just in general live. For all the crapping on America, or hard feelings about who we are as a country, you have to at least admit, we got it good.
Take me for example, I get to wake up at 7am and run 3 miles with my dog. I do not have to worry about being kidnapped and gang raped, like women in India or Brazil. I can wear shorts and t-shirt and not worry about breaking some indecency law. I get to travel, a lot. I don't have to have kids if I do not want to. My husband cannot beat me, like they can in Pakistan with their new guidelines/laws on domestic violence there. I get to watch little girls and boys walking to the school near my house every morning, without violent men waiting to kidnap the girls like in Nigeria or kill them like in Afghanistan. I see my young neighbor getting jobs and working like all young men and women want to do, but do not have the opportunity in Spain, Italy, Greece, or many European countries in economic crisis, still. Our beer companies can make beer, unlike those in Venezuela who are dependent on what their governments say can and cannot be produced. I see Verizon workers striking and winning concessions out of it, without committing violence or having violence committed against them, which is often the case in many parts of the world, even in Europe. I see the dangerous weaknesses in Russia and China that threaten world instability, and as a consequence how they treat their citizens and the countries in their region and I am more than grateful we have Canada and Mexico as our neighbors.
Here is what I do not see in America. White men being oppressed. They still get to walk into a room and not have their authority or knowledge of a topic questioned or second guessed. They still get a career boost when they have kids, not a career penalty like most women. They still get lighter jail sentences when committing crime than their minority counterparts. They do not have their resumes tossed in the trash because their name sounds "too ethnic." They do not continually have the bar of success moved higher and higher out of reach every time the meet it, like women. They do not have to do double the work to win. So, this is why I am confused at the collective temper tantrum.
For better or worse, we live in a capitalistic society. We have for a long time. We live in republic that consists of fifty states that follow a constitution. It allows us the privileges and freedom to do more than most any other person in any other country. Because of this, things are not perfect. With 300 million people, things will never be perfect. But, we know how bad things can get. We see the people of North Korea starving. We see Putin's opponents being murdered and people who speak out jailed. We see hundreds of refugees drowning in the Mediterranean escaping turmoil. (Biggest thing I have learned this primary season is the public has a gross misunderstanding of what the role of the Secretary of State is, but that is besides the point.) For better or worse our ideals were founded upon the notion free will, personal responsibility, and the right to participate in our communities. No one is taking that away from you, no one is forcing a lifestyle upon you that you cannot change. Stop saying we are oppressed. Stop saying we are suppressed. Stop saying we are "slaves" in some sort of machine. If you do not like it, then work to change it just more than every four years.
So, why in God's name would we want to "burn everything down?" Getting mad every four years is not going to change anything, but volunteering in your community will. I need to do better at that myself. We create a different country and a different world by making a difference to other people, not being angry. Revolution has such romantic connotations, I think we forget the consequences of past revolutions. The War of 1812, Napoleon Bonaparte, ISIS, Tienanmen Square, the starvation and food shortages in Russia. You fancy a revolution, fine, but remember most pensions, 401K, IRA's and retirement plans depend on Wall Street. Walgreens and CVS own most of the pharmacies, and what are we going to do to the corporations who make the drugs people rely on? Most people cannot pay their mortgage in full if the loan is called in due to economic instability. Getting money out of politics does not require a revolution, it requires a SCOTUS to make nuanced and fair decisions to court cases brought forward and fair interpretations of the constitution. You want to tear down the "moneyed class" fine, but it is always changing and people are always finding ways to make money, that will be a very bloody guillotine, just like in France you are going to have to murder a lot of people. Furthermore, just because people have money it doesn't make them bad, they just have money. You want to stop trade agreements, fine, all you have to do is stop shopping at Walmart and support your small local business who are not selling the cheap crap made in China, but that will cost you more money. Stop buying smart phones and other electronics. You want corporations to pay their fair share, fine, demand that you congress person address the loopholes in the tax code or work to vote them out of office.
The ironic thing about all this, the funny thing, is that if there is a conspiracy between the rich and the corporations to disparage and degrade the plebs, they certainly have us where they want us. As Baron Rothschild once said, "The time to buy is when there's blood in the streets." There may not be blood in the streets, but we certainly are hell bent on creating a gaping divide between us citizens. Do you honestly think tearing down our institutions, letting a madman billionaire and demagogue become president, is going to change anything for the better? The way I see it, I am comfortable in my lucky status and I realized I am privileged. I have been granted a lifestyle I could only dream of as kid, I just want others to be able to enjoy the same thing. If you have time, if you have extra food, money to pay your bills, in this world you are privileged. I am working for positive growth and cohesion between everyone. And I do believe that is more noble than flirting with the idea of destroying 200+ years of progress. If someone told you change is easy, fast, or you can get instant gratification, you were lied to and mislead. If you magically think everything will be different because someone promised it, that is an outright lie. The way I see it, we have two choices, work hard to change. Which is what change requires. Or "let it burn to the ground" and dance on its ashes while we watch a man who has defrauded thousands, bully his way through the highest office in our country, while alienating everything our founding fathers stood for.
So, this causes me to confess my confusion as to why so many in this country resonate with such a negative message of the realities of living in 2016 America. I do not feel oppressed, I do not feel suppressed. Am I fearful sometimes? Yes, but overall I look around and there so many great things about being here, I just have a hard time feeling disenfranchised, and for the people I know on Facebook, most of you are pretty lucky as well. You get to have children and not worry about if they will starve to death. You get to travel, skateboard, snowboard, ski, or sail most of your days away. You get to be stay-at-home dads or moms. You get to start and run your own businesses. You get to eat out, or eat in, but you get to eat. You can pretty much say whatever you want, whenever you want. You can watch Game of Thrones, drive your cars thousands of miles, vote, wear whatever your want, and just in general live. For all the crapping on America, or hard feelings about who we are as a country, you have to at least admit, we got it good.
Take me for example, I get to wake up at 7am and run 3 miles with my dog. I do not have to worry about being kidnapped and gang raped, like women in India or Brazil. I can wear shorts and t-shirt and not worry about breaking some indecency law. I get to travel, a lot. I don't have to have kids if I do not want to. My husband cannot beat me, like they can in Pakistan with their new guidelines/laws on domestic violence there. I get to watch little girls and boys walking to the school near my house every morning, without violent men waiting to kidnap the girls like in Nigeria or kill them like in Afghanistan. I see my young neighbor getting jobs and working like all young men and women want to do, but do not have the opportunity in Spain, Italy, Greece, or many European countries in economic crisis, still. Our beer companies can make beer, unlike those in Venezuela who are dependent on what their governments say can and cannot be produced. I see Verizon workers striking and winning concessions out of it, without committing violence or having violence committed against them, which is often the case in many parts of the world, even in Europe. I see the dangerous weaknesses in Russia and China that threaten world instability, and as a consequence how they treat their citizens and the countries in their region and I am more than grateful we have Canada and Mexico as our neighbors.
Here is what I do not see in America. White men being oppressed. They still get to walk into a room and not have their authority or knowledge of a topic questioned or second guessed. They still get a career boost when they have kids, not a career penalty like most women. They still get lighter jail sentences when committing crime than their minority counterparts. They do not have their resumes tossed in the trash because their name sounds "too ethnic." They do not continually have the bar of success moved higher and higher out of reach every time the meet it, like women. They do not have to do double the work to win. So, this is why I am confused at the collective temper tantrum.
For better or worse, we live in a capitalistic society. We have for a long time. We live in republic that consists of fifty states that follow a constitution. It allows us the privileges and freedom to do more than most any other person in any other country. Because of this, things are not perfect. With 300 million people, things will never be perfect. But, we know how bad things can get. We see the people of North Korea starving. We see Putin's opponents being murdered and people who speak out jailed. We see hundreds of refugees drowning in the Mediterranean escaping turmoil. (Biggest thing I have learned this primary season is the public has a gross misunderstanding of what the role of the Secretary of State is, but that is besides the point.) For better or worse our ideals were founded upon the notion free will, personal responsibility, and the right to participate in our communities. No one is taking that away from you, no one is forcing a lifestyle upon you that you cannot change. Stop saying we are oppressed. Stop saying we are suppressed. Stop saying we are "slaves" in some sort of machine. If you do not like it, then work to change it just more than every four years.
So, why in God's name would we want to "burn everything down?" Getting mad every four years is not going to change anything, but volunteering in your community will. I need to do better at that myself. We create a different country and a different world by making a difference to other people, not being angry. Revolution has such romantic connotations, I think we forget the consequences of past revolutions. The War of 1812, Napoleon Bonaparte, ISIS, Tienanmen Square, the starvation and food shortages in Russia. You fancy a revolution, fine, but remember most pensions, 401K, IRA's and retirement plans depend on Wall Street. Walgreens and CVS own most of the pharmacies, and what are we going to do to the corporations who make the drugs people rely on? Most people cannot pay their mortgage in full if the loan is called in due to economic instability. Getting money out of politics does not require a revolution, it requires a SCOTUS to make nuanced and fair decisions to court cases brought forward and fair interpretations of the constitution. You want to tear down the "moneyed class" fine, but it is always changing and people are always finding ways to make money, that will be a very bloody guillotine, just like in France you are going to have to murder a lot of people. Furthermore, just because people have money it doesn't make them bad, they just have money. You want to stop trade agreements, fine, all you have to do is stop shopping at Walmart and support your small local business who are not selling the cheap crap made in China, but that will cost you more money. Stop buying smart phones and other electronics. You want corporations to pay their fair share, fine, demand that you congress person address the loopholes in the tax code or work to vote them out of office.
The ironic thing about all this, the funny thing, is that if there is a conspiracy between the rich and the corporations to disparage and degrade the plebs, they certainly have us where they want us. As Baron Rothschild once said, "The time to buy is when there's blood in the streets." There may not be blood in the streets, but we certainly are hell bent on creating a gaping divide between us citizens. Do you honestly think tearing down our institutions, letting a madman billionaire and demagogue become president, is going to change anything for the better? The way I see it, I am comfortable in my lucky status and I realized I am privileged. I have been granted a lifestyle I could only dream of as kid, I just want others to be able to enjoy the same thing. If you have time, if you have extra food, money to pay your bills, in this world you are privileged. I am working for positive growth and cohesion between everyone. And I do believe that is more noble than flirting with the idea of destroying 200+ years of progress. If someone told you change is easy, fast, or you can get instant gratification, you were lied to and mislead. If you magically think everything will be different because someone promised it, that is an outright lie. The way I see it, we have two choices, work hard to change. Which is what change requires. Or "let it burn to the ground" and dance on its ashes while we watch a man who has defrauded thousands, bully his way through the highest office in our country, while alienating everything our founding fathers stood for.
Friday, June 3, 2016
Boys Seem to Like the Girls Who Laugh at Anything
A few weeks ago, I wrote a little blip about the difficulties for women sailors, especially on Lake Michigan. It was maybe 3 paragraphs, nothing big. It just mentioned the widely known disparities that women sailing competitively face. I was inspired by the struggles faced by women from team SCA who did the Volvo Ocean Race, and did fairly well, yet still will never be able to achieve or perform at or in the same level as the men in this sport, the pinnacle event, The America's Cup. I was also inspired by my own double daily workouts, after falling down for the thousandth time in a puddle of my own sweat I couldn't help but asking, "What am I doing this for?" And if you see some of the men that sail, you would understand my frustration. So, what am I doing this for??
That article that I wrote was highly praised by many members in the club, men and women alike (many whom I admire and respect), but also highly dissed by, you guessed it, women. We like to diminish or dismiss experiences of others when we have not had the same ones and that absolutely drives me crazy. When we refuse to ever remotely understand what may or may not be happening outside our own bubbles we are reinforcing our own beliefs about what we think is going on or should be going on and it is a cycle of convenient ignorance. But, that is not the way the world works. A 23 year old man with no experience can pretty much walk onto any sailboat and be picked over me 99% of the time. So what am I doing this for? I am using this sailing metaphor for life in general. Too many women believe that feminism is a bad word. Or that women are totally equal and never face discrimination, despite the fact it is documented in salaries, on corporate boards, and many other places. Or that certain insults are not the product of our male dominated culture, a bitch is a female dog, why is that an insult, I love my female dog. That our rape problem is inflated by false accusations or girls who want attention. Or that women who bring forth instances of domestic abuse are only gold diggers or weak and faulty because they just don't leave. Just a few examples, but my point is, WE ARE STILL NOT EQUAL, WE NEVER HAVE BEEN EQUAL and if you think, because it is not your problem that there is no problem, well when it is your turn it will be a rude awakening.
I am also saying this in a climate rife with blood-lust hatred for a lady who apparently is the singular person responsible for all ills in the world for the past 30 years, yet ironically is reduced to the sum of all her husbands indiscretions to boot. You can not like a woman that is fine, but to bring to a level of witch hunt that it is at, is the very reason why some other women cry foul (aside from the WaPo polls that mention a majority of the haters are white male and reason to also cry foul). Not to mention the angsty anger to see some one fail so hard and spectacularly it scary for other reasons for me, but I digress. Because all of the sudden I see it around me. I feel the resentment towards women in general by so many. Women people do not know, women people do know, the woman who succeeds is the woman seen as bitch or unlikable and so on and so on. I see how hard some of my friends have to work. I see how big of a struggle it is for women to please people, any people, these days. I feel the asinine childlike behavior of a man having a tantrum because a lady doesn't want a second date, or because someone turned him down for a drink. And I love it, because the first men who are going to get angry with this post are probably exactly what I am talking about.
So I wanted to write this because the LVACWS (Louis Vuitton Ameica's Cup World Series) event is coming to Chicago next week. It is an event designed to spread awareness of sailing, a rich white mans sport. However, there are no minorities in the event, and no women sailors. How are you going to spread interest when you shut out the NEW MAJORITY of people in this county? In a climate where everyone is fearful that something is being taken away from them, where their ideas of victimization are trumped up (haha yeah that was a pun) we need to be vigilant in making sure that we take what is ours, that we fight for our right to participate FULLY in this country. Where we can be so successful yet so far away from the top prize is indicative that we have a long long way to go. For the women out there who do not believe me, or think I am some ranting lunatic liberal, think about it the next time a man looks at you a little too long or catcalls you. He thinks he is entitled to you and why do you think that is? This is still just a mans world and we are only living it.
That article that I wrote was highly praised by many members in the club, men and women alike (many whom I admire and respect), but also highly dissed by, you guessed it, women. We like to diminish or dismiss experiences of others when we have not had the same ones and that absolutely drives me crazy. When we refuse to ever remotely understand what may or may not be happening outside our own bubbles we are reinforcing our own beliefs about what we think is going on or should be going on and it is a cycle of convenient ignorance. But, that is not the way the world works. A 23 year old man with no experience can pretty much walk onto any sailboat and be picked over me 99% of the time. So what am I doing this for? I am using this sailing metaphor for life in general. Too many women believe that feminism is a bad word. Or that women are totally equal and never face discrimination, despite the fact it is documented in salaries, on corporate boards, and many other places. Or that certain insults are not the product of our male dominated culture, a bitch is a female dog, why is that an insult, I love my female dog. That our rape problem is inflated by false accusations or girls who want attention. Or that women who bring forth instances of domestic abuse are only gold diggers or weak and faulty because they just don't leave. Just a few examples, but my point is, WE ARE STILL NOT EQUAL, WE NEVER HAVE BEEN EQUAL and if you think, because it is not your problem that there is no problem, well when it is your turn it will be a rude awakening.
I am also saying this in a climate rife with blood-lust hatred for a lady who apparently is the singular person responsible for all ills in the world for the past 30 years, yet ironically is reduced to the sum of all her husbands indiscretions to boot. You can not like a woman that is fine, but to bring to a level of witch hunt that it is at, is the very reason why some other women cry foul (aside from the WaPo polls that mention a majority of the haters are white male and reason to also cry foul). Not to mention the angsty anger to see some one fail so hard and spectacularly it scary for other reasons for me, but I digress. Because all of the sudden I see it around me. I feel the resentment towards women in general by so many. Women people do not know, women people do know, the woman who succeeds is the woman seen as bitch or unlikable and so on and so on. I see how hard some of my friends have to work. I see how big of a struggle it is for women to please people, any people, these days. I feel the asinine childlike behavior of a man having a tantrum because a lady doesn't want a second date, or because someone turned him down for a drink. And I love it, because the first men who are going to get angry with this post are probably exactly what I am talking about.
So I wanted to write this because the LVACWS (Louis Vuitton Ameica's Cup World Series) event is coming to Chicago next week. It is an event designed to spread awareness of sailing, a rich white mans sport. However, there are no minorities in the event, and no women sailors. How are you going to spread interest when you shut out the NEW MAJORITY of people in this county? In a climate where everyone is fearful that something is being taken away from them, where their ideas of victimization are trumped up (haha yeah that was a pun) we need to be vigilant in making sure that we take what is ours, that we fight for our right to participate FULLY in this country. Where we can be so successful yet so far away from the top prize is indicative that we have a long long way to go. For the women out there who do not believe me, or think I am some ranting lunatic liberal, think about it the next time a man looks at you a little too long or catcalls you. He thinks he is entitled to you and why do you think that is? This is still just a mans world and we are only living it.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Giving Up the Gun
There is a Vampire Weekend song from a few years ago that I just absolutely love. Anytime it comes on, it consumes me. Therefore it is on my running playlist, workout playlist, chilling out playlist, and party playlist. So when it came on in my car on a long drive to Minnesota a few weeks ago, I took the moment, turned up the volume and of course karaoked it, loud. Imagine my surprise when at 7 am, having driven 2.5 hours already, I came to the realization that I was getting the point of that song totally wrong all these years. In this time period in my life, when 2016 just keeps knocking me down, I realized that Giving Up the Gun isn't about fading glory but trying to reclaim a piece of yourself that you may have forgotten or gave up along the way. It is about forgetting who we are in this world and about who we become in order to survive, thrive, or claw our way up. I hit repeat and sure enough, "Your sword's grown old and rusty, Burnt beneath the rising sun, It's locked up like a trophy, Forgetting all the things it's done."
After months of not only outright rejection, but of also not even being acknowledged, it is hard to not feel like the person in the song. "And though it's been a long time, You're right back where you started from." How can my eyes not get a little watery? Despite it being a lot teenager-esque in nature, here it felt like Ezra Koenig was singing right into my soul. But once this realization came, so did a lot more, mainly I just do what I am doing anymore. I metaphorically cannot play this game like everyone else does, with a gun. I need a different tool, something I am good at, something I have had success with in the past. Whatever my "sword" is, it must be very corroded. I also can't figure it out or find it, like our fireproof safe key when I hid it in the sub woofer and forgot that is where I put it. So despite the helpful comments from friends and family, you know those pesky things I need to work on that I can't seem to drop like bad habits no matter how hard I try because I think they are just a part of me. Like, needing to be lest honest, less outspoken, swear less, sell myself better, "use my network," work harder, and societies general screw you to women, you know prettier, thinner, quieter, and soft-spoken and despite years of trying to be different, it just is not me.
I tried at age 19 to be better, to be awesome, to be the thing that was needed and I failed miserably. I spent the rest of my early twenties proving that the failure was fine and I could just do everything on my own and I was really good at that. I never missed rent, or tuition payments, and I was always able to buy my books. I did that for a majority of my twenties, until the crazed maniac I ended up working for finally got to me. Then I spent the rest of my twenties trying to prove that I was smart, despite being a loud mouthed blonde. And I did it again by getting a masters degree while still working, though I had a safety net called Ed to fall back on. Ever since then, because I am what I am (unappealing to the professional world), I just do what people have been expecting. Work. Jobs, any jobs. And for what? So, now here I am back at square one and I am ready to give up the gun, because in truth, it is not what I am good at and I want that to be OK.
Because, this whole time I have done so many cool things most people will never get to do, nor want to do (and that is also OK, we have choices). I learned, and am still learning, to sail. Subsequently I have traversed Lake Michigan the long way 6 and a half times, with a few storms. I have sailed in Key West, Lake Dillon, CO during a "micro-burst", the Chesapeake Bay in a hurricane, and most recently amazing Antigua. I have been trying to explore the world one place at a time and have been lucky enough to even repeat visits to some of my favorite places. I have met people from all over the world. I can make friends in so many places I go, it is not for lack of emotional intelligence (or my fatal flaws according to American and the puritanical midwest) on my part, nor survival skills. I have gotten to go to some awesome music festivals, with some awesome people, and have been included in some pretty cool events. There is this whole giant world out there that turns and goes through the same hours and minutes as our day. While I am eating lunch at 1 pm here, someone in Sydney, Australia is sleeping or just getting up for a really early morning at work tomorrow. In Amsterdam someone is putting their kids to bed and in Reykjavik someone is just sitting down for dinner.
These experiences and thoughts are of such insignificant nature in our society, that it is clear that not only am I using the wrong tool, I am probably using it improperly, and more so my wiring is not apparently not right. And I get it, it is where all the well intended advice comes from. My friends and family want me to succeed, they want me to use the tool that they have been successfully wielding, it is just I am expected to start all over again, again, and again. We are supposed to grateful for any opportunity no matter what it is and that we get what we deserve, and deserve what we get good or bad. But, the world turns and it just feels like it does not have to be that way. We have agency but our system makes it so that we are mostly dependent on other people's actions or inaction's and superficial judgements. So I just want to take a step in the opposite direction. It is probably the wrong thing to do, because of my nature I seem to do the wrong thing anyway. I am too honest, but I can't play games because I am too competitive and that also hasn't worked well for me so...... I need to find my own tool, the thing I can use to find my place in this world. Then and only then can I hopefully "shine" in my way.
After months of not only outright rejection, but of also not even being acknowledged, it is hard to not feel like the person in the song. "And though it's been a long time, You're right back where you started from." How can my eyes not get a little watery? Despite it being a lot teenager-esque in nature, here it felt like Ezra Koenig was singing right into my soul. But once this realization came, so did a lot more, mainly I just do what I am doing anymore. I metaphorically cannot play this game like everyone else does, with a gun. I need a different tool, something I am good at, something I have had success with in the past. Whatever my "sword" is, it must be very corroded. I also can't figure it out or find it, like our fireproof safe key when I hid it in the sub woofer and forgot that is where I put it. So despite the helpful comments from friends and family, you know those pesky things I need to work on that I can't seem to drop like bad habits no matter how hard I try because I think they are just a part of me. Like, needing to be lest honest, less outspoken, swear less, sell myself better, "use my network," work harder, and societies general screw you to women, you know prettier, thinner, quieter, and soft-spoken and despite years of trying to be different, it just is not me.
I tried at age 19 to be better, to be awesome, to be the thing that was needed and I failed miserably. I spent the rest of my early twenties proving that the failure was fine and I could just do everything on my own and I was really good at that. I never missed rent, or tuition payments, and I was always able to buy my books. I did that for a majority of my twenties, until the crazed maniac I ended up working for finally got to me. Then I spent the rest of my twenties trying to prove that I was smart, despite being a loud mouthed blonde. And I did it again by getting a masters degree while still working, though I had a safety net called Ed to fall back on. Ever since then, because I am what I am (unappealing to the professional world), I just do what people have been expecting. Work. Jobs, any jobs. And for what? So, now here I am back at square one and I am ready to give up the gun, because in truth, it is not what I am good at and I want that to be OK.
Because, this whole time I have done so many cool things most people will never get to do, nor want to do (and that is also OK, we have choices). I learned, and am still learning, to sail. Subsequently I have traversed Lake Michigan the long way 6 and a half times, with a few storms. I have sailed in Key West, Lake Dillon, CO during a "micro-burst", the Chesapeake Bay in a hurricane, and most recently amazing Antigua. I have been trying to explore the world one place at a time and have been lucky enough to even repeat visits to some of my favorite places. I have met people from all over the world. I can make friends in so many places I go, it is not for lack of emotional intelligence (or my fatal flaws according to American and the puritanical midwest) on my part, nor survival skills. I have gotten to go to some awesome music festivals, with some awesome people, and have been included in some pretty cool events. There is this whole giant world out there that turns and goes through the same hours and minutes as our day. While I am eating lunch at 1 pm here, someone in Sydney, Australia is sleeping or just getting up for a really early morning at work tomorrow. In Amsterdam someone is putting their kids to bed and in Reykjavik someone is just sitting down for dinner.
These experiences and thoughts are of such insignificant nature in our society, that it is clear that not only am I using the wrong tool, I am probably using it improperly, and more so my wiring is not apparently not right. And I get it, it is where all the well intended advice comes from. My friends and family want me to succeed, they want me to use the tool that they have been successfully wielding, it is just I am expected to start all over again, again, and again. We are supposed to grateful for any opportunity no matter what it is and that we get what we deserve, and deserve what we get good or bad. But, the world turns and it just feels like it does not have to be that way. We have agency but our system makes it so that we are mostly dependent on other people's actions or inaction's and superficial judgements. So I just want to take a step in the opposite direction. It is probably the wrong thing to do, because of my nature I seem to do the wrong thing anyway. I am too honest, but I can't play games because I am too competitive and that also hasn't worked well for me so...... I need to find my own tool, the thing I can use to find my place in this world. Then and only then can I hopefully "shine" in my way.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
My Sisters and My Sisters
Lucky is definitely how I would describe myself in terms of my family. I have not one, not two, but three amazing sisters. Three automatic best friends who have to love me because they are family. I kid :) We get a long great (as adults) and I am thankful for our relationship with each other every day. It is also the template I use in all of my relationships with other women, which is great and sucky at the same time. I have also been lucky enough to be a teammate to some amazing women, and those relationships can at times be astonishingly similar to having sisters and I find myself being doubly lucky to be able to pick up contact with them like we haven't gone a month without talking. We have been through a lot together. Literal blood, sweat, and tears....as well team showers and team bathroom breaks (wink wink). It is another template I use to navigate my relationships with other women, it is also great and also sucky. What is awesome about getting older is that I can start to see the forest for the trees in so many of my relationships and it doesn't make hard or hurt feelings or regret any better, but at least I can understand a little more. That not everything is due to my own shortcomings. You see, I go in with intensity, I stay in it with intensity, I love fiercely, and I forget failings in rapid succession (which drives my amazing husband crazy). It makes me take things so personally. It used to be hard for me to understand that obviously people are different, so not everyone does this, and it is further exacerbated by the 3 women and old teammates that constantly have my back because they have seen me at my worst, be it my emotional worst, or my worst towards them. I have made amends with them and they with me so many times all we have left of our relationships is truth and love and that is truly something to be grateful for. However, it makes navigating my adult relationships, relationships I hold so dear to my heart, a little trickier. Feelings are difficult, situation are complex, and the dynamics are effected by outside stressors. The relationships are just baby plants still trying to grow. They can be turned off by my worst, offended by my perceived slights of character, or just looking for an out. 
So, I felt like I needed to write this because I see so many articles, posts, memes, or screeds about how it is OK to move on from friendships, that we out-grow each other, etc....We see on TV how often women treat each horribly from the Real Housewife franchise, to dramas, to celebrity news. We experience it in real life still unfortunately. One of my good guy friends often starts his advise by saying, "There is no one more awful to women than other women." Not only do I want this to be untrue, I want to live the exact opposite. It is why I give a wide berth to drama, it is why I can forgive my friends for almost any perceived offense (even if it is a courtesy not afforded to me), it is why I try so hard to treat my girlfriends like they are my sisters or teammates. It is why I fight for my relationships and will continue to do so. I have been through so many fun times, so many not just hard but horrible times, so many milestones with so many women that there is nothing I can do but fight for my friendships. The hard part about friendship as adults is that we can only hope that the other person feels the same way and that can be heartbreaking. 
A new friend of mine who is a bit younger is going through one of the worst times in a young woman's life. It might sound melodramatic, but, when all of your friends are getting married and/or having kids and you are not, it is the time when you start to get left behind. I have been lucky to have a few "older" friends give me the advice to hang in there, that yeah it gets really shitty and really really hurtful for most of your thirties, but in your forties, some of those friends come back. And look, no one ever expect to be as important as a husband or kid, but it does not make the pill any easier to swallow. I will hang in there because I refuse to believe that all of my friends who are on a different life path are suddenly a totally different person and we no longer have anything in common. It is an asinine notion to me that someone I was drinking wine with 2 years ago no longer likes that, someone who shared a meal with me a year ago, no longer likes to eat. That our mutual investment of time and love into each other was cheap and not priceless. And hey I get it, it might be asinine for me to actually think we still have things in common when things change in our life, but I do not want believe everything we shared has been in vain. I do not believe that people come in and our of our lives for a purpose then leave. Some do, but relationships where time has been invested, love shared, experiences had, those can last a lifetime. Or at least, I would love for them to last a lifetime. So, I told my friend to hang in there, that it will hurt and your hurt feelings will not be acknowledged. But, are you willing to brush it off in hopes that you can salvage what you hold dear and persevere through this period of time?
 |
| These three!! |
We give up so much in our lives. We waste time doing things that in the grand scheme do not really matter. None of the time we give to others should ever be a waste and maybe we need to get rid of this idea that people, like material objects, are disposable because I try (I might fail but I try) to make all of my friends feel like they are more than worthy of my time and love. It is something I have spent years working on, something I hold very high in value. That might not mean anything to some people, but I do know it important, so I will keep trying. I will keep fighting for my friendships, old and new. I will continue to NOT be overwhelmed by having many friends, because I do not see that as a burden, I see it as a gift. We do have a lot to give, sometimes we will not receive just compensation, but sometimes we will not be able to give back what others gave us. We need to stop expecting perfection from friendships, but be grateful for what that other person is offering us, because we cannot always offer the same. Sometimes we need to wait, sometimes we will be put on the back burner (despite our own problems), sometimes we need to be there and other times we need to give space. But, offering yourself to another person is never a waste of time. There are so many forms of love, I want all of my family and friends to feel that there is at least one person out there who will be there. Because I am lucky enough to feel that from my three sisters and because, my friends, you are all also my sisters. 
*I tried to pick pictures where my everyone looks awesome....it was hard. I also missed a ton of new and old amazing friends that I have had the pleasure of spending the past few years with, but a certain someone complains that my posts are too long-
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