When I was a freshman and sophomore in college I used my older sister's ID to get into bars. Shocker, I know....I am probably going to hell for being a precocious, rambunctious, totally normal young adult. Anyways, there was this one amazing spring night at the end of my sophomore year and everyone was out. My sister was finishing up and still on campus and wanted to go out, and I wanted to go with her. In true sister form though, she just HAD to go to the hardest bar for an underage drinker to get into, despite my efforts to go elsewhere we ended up there. The door guy was friends with my sister, I showed up with my sister and her old ID. Shannon looses her fake ID. Said sister laughed in my face and continues into the bar. However, on her way into the bar she turned around and said something that I literally think about on the regular. "Shannon, you are not 21. There are just somethings that you can't do sometimes. This is one of those times." Now, to her credit, she did get the ID back and I passed it down, along with eventually mine. It was a right of passage, but that is not the point. The point was that, god I hate to say this, she was right. Sometimes we just cannot do things we want to do. Sometimes, somethings can't happen because of situations that are beyond our control (like now) and sometimes the situation just doesn't apply to us, or it is the wrong time. So, I just want to throw out that reminder. Sometimes you cannot do the things you want to do, that is life. It sucks, but it equally applies to everyone, even Veruca Salt.
Why am I saying all this? Why am I talking to y'all like I would a petulant teenager? To be frank, it is because some of you are acting like petulant teenagers. This situation ABSOLUTELY sucks. I get it. I haven't worked since March 17th and holy shit that is a long time. I still can't even get unemployment yet, my husband hasn't worked either and his unemployment claim is being held up, god knows why. It is scary, it is horrifying. We are spending an infinitely more amount of money than we are taking in with a mortgage, student loan payments, and now the fact that we have to pay for all of our healthcare. God, these times are beyond terrifying. But, BUT, this pain is going to be temporary. We are being asked to sacrifice. Sacrifice money, sacrifice senior graduations, sacrifice HAVING to go golfing, sacrifice HAVING to get our hair done, going to parties, sacrifice HAVING a normal life in anything but normal times. God, IT SUCKS. Here is the thing though....it sucks for all of us, because we are all sacrificing, it is not personal.
I hate having to say this but we do live in a society. In a civilization. When we give up living solitary lives and create governments, create systems, and institutions we basically have to participate in the trappings of said society. Sacrificing in times of crisis is not giving up freedoms and for the love of God is not anything new in this country. (Could you imagine mid-WWII people just giving up sacrificing because it was hard?) It is participating in a society where we are NOT the sole beneficiary of all the perks that come from living in groups. Now, I have a background in history and have worked in the construction industry my whole adult life. Some of the things I am not familiar with are, oh I don't know, virology, pandemics, epidemiology, infectious diseases, and the like. While is absolutely sucks that I cannot work, that I am hemorrhaging money, feeling the stress and anxiety that MILLIONS are feeling around the world, I am not going to throw caution to the wind and tell the experts to shove it. Just like I am not going to cut my own hair. I am not going to start my own basement bar. You get what I am saying? Just because you don't like the advice, just because you don't like the rules, just because you don't want this to be happening, changes nothing when it comes to doing what is right. I get that you are in pain, but, we are all in pain. I know everyone wants to go back to work, but I am not an expert in this stuff and the odds are, NEITHER are you. Those guys (the experts) say chill out. Chill the f*** out, we are ALL experiencing something similar and not many of us are experts in how to deal with this. Sacrificing means that you realize in the course of your life you impact MANY people, this time is not different. Sacrifice a little bit longer for those people who have to take care of the sick and bring that exposure home to their children. I would love to go sit outside at a bar and have a drink, but you know what? Sometimes there are just things I can't do when I want to do them. That is how life works, what makes you think it is any different for you? During a global pandemic no less?
Me
Thursday, April 16, 2020
Friday, May 17, 2019
In Fear
It has been a strange few weeks in a strange few years. Liverpool is in the Champions League Final, the Milwaukee Bucks keep winning, and the weather is getting warmer, yet my heart and soul are having a hard time with the constant shredding of humanity. And I keep thinking, everyday, every hour, and minute...what am I feeling and why? I spent ten minutes with a child or animal and their presence enough is a soothing balm against the barrage of assault committed by the adults in this world. Let me get less wordy about this, there are very few adult human beings who can explain themselves these days without being ugly, shallow, spiteful, hateful. I think the most disappointing thing is that most people do not even realize they are doing this, and the worst, are those that do and just do not care.
It is a sad time to be a woman. That comment alone will get the same parade of men from my social media feed from a certain age calling me "crazy" (they always do and I know who they are going to be, and its tiresome but I feel sad for them) ironically not realizing they are proving my point, but that is besides the point I am trying to make. It feels like I want to say something about this, like I NEED to say something about this. I am confused about the debate. And I am confused about the debate because its not even about the debate anymore. I am confused about the feelings and motivation of others and that is it, isn't it? Some of the things people I know saying and doing things and believing certain things....I am confused and it is not even the debate anymore. I don't understand how we can value women so little that we have zero trust in them. It is not even just women. It is hard for me to fathom on an everyday basis how many people out there who are coming from a place of fear, anger, hatred, jealousy, ugliness,MISUNDERSTANDING, and lack of care when it comes to dealing with and forming perceptions about other people. And, I will admit...that is not the kind of person I am or ever will be. I get that my motivations in dealing with others it totally different than everyone else in this world, it is the only thing we have. We get to determine our motivation, we get to wake up everyday and chose how we are going to think of this world and people in it. For all the whining I did growing up, for all the frustration I have towards poor driving skills, and for all my faults, when it comes to people, I am strangely positive and there are a lot more people like that out there and I wish we made more of an impact. But, these past few weeks I have come to realize we don't and we won't. It is more in our nature to have an interaction or meet new friends on the street than it is to create or share a meme disparaging a group of people.
My frustration and confusion lies in the very belief, and one that I feel down to my core that WE CAN BE BETTER. Most situations in this world are nuanced, nuanced down to the very essence of how it effects the greater world at large. Not all women who get abortions are sluts, nor do all women who get them want them. Not all Muslims are terrorist and not all Christians are determined to press their beliefs on others. Not all asylum seekers are looking for a free ride and not all immigrants are trying to take advantage of a "benevolent" nation. Listen, I get it. It is easiest to just believe what we believe and further, to simplify it. It is hard to think about things we cannot control, it is hard to think about things that make us uncomfortable, it is hard to think about things that make our hearts hurt and our eyes weep, especially when it is a circumstance we cannot control. And that last part, the part about control? That is the key. Our motivations, feelings, thoughts...those are about the only things we can 100% control. We should be able to control the fact that 11 year children should not be raped....yet we can't. We should be able to control the fact that there are starving children all over this world who are oppressed and tortured and need saving, but we can't. There is all this other horrifying bad stuff going on in our country and outside of it, but we CANNOT control any of it and the really scary thing is that someday all these things could have a direct effect on us. So we don't think about it, we pretend it doesn't happen, and by the time we are confronted with it, any of it, all of it, we have long ago decided it does not fit into our world view. We create giant mental walls that are harder to break down than any tangible building material in real life. We create this idea that because it doesn't fit inside the mental walls, ergo it is a one off, or it's not true, or and here is this kicker, that there is no more room for any of the nuances that perpetuate our daily lives. We think that will protect us, there is no room. But, when there is no more room for nuance, there is no more room for understanding, or compassion, much less empathy. Hence, my heart and soul are shredded, everyday. Everyday we practice hate, and ugliness, and shallowness because it is the easy way out. It is the cop out of our soul and it is twisted justification meant to bolster our ideas of safety and morality, no matter how messed up, dangerous, or just plain off they are. So many things in life just plain hurt, why are we determined to perpetuate the cycle? Avoidance do not and never will stave off hurt. Why are we so desperate to see everyone and every situation in the worst light possible, coming from the most darkest and negative places? Let us start by assuming the next person you see on the street as being a good person, a person who might need help, but a good person none-the-less. No matter the skin color, religion, or gender. That person is most likely an amazing person deep down, for the most part we all are as well. Extend that courtesy outward.
It is a sad time to be a woman. That comment alone will get the same parade of men from my social media feed from a certain age calling me "crazy" (they always do and I know who they are going to be, and its tiresome but I feel sad for them) ironically not realizing they are proving my point, but that is besides the point I am trying to make. It feels like I want to say something about this, like I NEED to say something about this. I am confused about the debate. And I am confused about the debate because its not even about the debate anymore. I am confused about the feelings and motivation of others and that is it, isn't it? Some of the things people I know saying and doing things and believing certain things....I am confused and it is not even the debate anymore. I don't understand how we can value women so little that we have zero trust in them. It is not even just women. It is hard for me to fathom on an everyday basis how many people out there who are coming from a place of fear, anger, hatred, jealousy, ugliness,MISUNDERSTANDING, and lack of care when it comes to dealing with and forming perceptions about other people. And, I will admit...that is not the kind of person I am or ever will be. I get that my motivations in dealing with others it totally different than everyone else in this world, it is the only thing we have. We get to determine our motivation, we get to wake up everyday and chose how we are going to think of this world and people in it. For all the whining I did growing up, for all the frustration I have towards poor driving skills, and for all my faults, when it comes to people, I am strangely positive and there are a lot more people like that out there and I wish we made more of an impact. But, these past few weeks I have come to realize we don't and we won't. It is more in our nature to have an interaction or meet new friends on the street than it is to create or share a meme disparaging a group of people.
My frustration and confusion lies in the very belief, and one that I feel down to my core that WE CAN BE BETTER. Most situations in this world are nuanced, nuanced down to the very essence of how it effects the greater world at large. Not all women who get abortions are sluts, nor do all women who get them want them. Not all Muslims are terrorist and not all Christians are determined to press their beliefs on others. Not all asylum seekers are looking for a free ride and not all immigrants are trying to take advantage of a "benevolent" nation. Listen, I get it. It is easiest to just believe what we believe and further, to simplify it. It is hard to think about things we cannot control, it is hard to think about things that make us uncomfortable, it is hard to think about things that make our hearts hurt and our eyes weep, especially when it is a circumstance we cannot control. And that last part, the part about control? That is the key. Our motivations, feelings, thoughts...those are about the only things we can 100% control. We should be able to control the fact that 11 year children should not be raped....yet we can't. We should be able to control the fact that there are starving children all over this world who are oppressed and tortured and need saving, but we can't. There is all this other horrifying bad stuff going on in our country and outside of it, but we CANNOT control any of it and the really scary thing is that someday all these things could have a direct effect on us. So we don't think about it, we pretend it doesn't happen, and by the time we are confronted with it, any of it, all of it, we have long ago decided it does not fit into our world view. We create giant mental walls that are harder to break down than any tangible building material in real life. We create this idea that because it doesn't fit inside the mental walls, ergo it is a one off, or it's not true, or and here is this kicker, that there is no more room for any of the nuances that perpetuate our daily lives. We think that will protect us, there is no room. But, when there is no more room for nuance, there is no more room for understanding, or compassion, much less empathy. Hence, my heart and soul are shredded, everyday. Everyday we practice hate, and ugliness, and shallowness because it is the easy way out. It is the cop out of our soul and it is twisted justification meant to bolster our ideas of safety and morality, no matter how messed up, dangerous, or just plain off they are. So many things in life just plain hurt, why are we determined to perpetuate the cycle? Avoidance do not and never will stave off hurt. Why are we so desperate to see everyone and every situation in the worst light possible, coming from the most darkest and negative places? Let us start by assuming the next person you see on the street as being a good person, a person who might need help, but a good person none-the-less. No matter the skin color, religion, or gender. That person is most likely an amazing person deep down, for the most part we all are as well. Extend that courtesy outward.
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
Accepting the Unacceptable....Why?
Last week I spent $150+ on Sephora for my face, more $$ on Amazon for my body, $$ at Ulta, and then I got my hair done....that also costs $. For the past two weeks I have been struggling with my back again, because of all the snow shoveling and working out, I am in constant pain. But, I cannot stop the workouts without feeling guilty. I need to be constantly working out to maintain the idea of a body I think I have and other's think I have. It feels like sometimes, a lot of the times, it is my only attribute in a society that keeps moving the goalposts for everything further and further and further away. I am never going to "make it". I am not a mother, I am not a career professional, I do not really do fad diets or take in-style products, I am not religious, I am not good at things, I am certainly not the best at anything, and a lot of the times if feels like I have no identifying group to which I belong. Stuck trying to make connections in the deserted wilderness of this over-populated world. I am not revered for my mind (shocking I know), and well, what do I have to offer when all is said and done? At the very least I can look good and since a very young age, well, to look good your body must look a certain way and as a tall, female athlete, it has always been hard for me to conform. Painfully hard.
On top of society, when male friends talk about the girls they have always been attracted to, small, petite, girls you can lift up and carry, that has never defined me. It is stupid to feel this pressure, I know that, but I do. Despite knowing its stupid, me being 36, and married....I still feel that way. What really bothers me is, good God if I feel this way, how must other women and girls feel? If deep down I know its wrong and I can somewhat now with age regulate this feeling, I weep for the young girls who aren't there yet. I clearly know what its like to work through physical pain to look a certain way, and worse, to perform a certain way, to be a certain way and to feel like you will never live up to the expectations of society. I am tired. It is tiring. It is why I was angry, very angry to hear this story and very angry that it occurred in a town in which I live and pay property taxes in. Angry to hear this woman still has a job, is still trusted by parents to influence their daughters. Angry to hear the intellectually lazy excuse of "political correctness" demands being the cause of anger for this. And, my 17 years old self is beyond angry. Angry at the hours remembered in the gym and sacrificed in the weight-room, if I had receive an award that focuses on shit I cannot help....the way the body I was born with looks, despite all the hard work and hours sacrificed (time I missed building and fostering friendships that last) it would have sent me on even more downward spiral in the lose of confidence department. So, yeah, my 17 year old self is pissed. Kenoshan's read the article, and the rest of my friends, click on the link to the article and be annoyed at how our sports culture still hasn't changed.
https://deadspin.com/report-high-school-cheerleaders-parents-horrified-by-c-1832745015?fbclid=IwAR0_31eaHRLce_6-475gEtHznUtXVaRO1Z5d85slshWoEiHvtrMT2TXkRoQ
You see as a former coach and someone who has worked a lot with teenagers, as an adult what makes me super angry is that.....coaches and teacher, well, ARE THE ADULTS. Often times they are mentors and that relationship means a lot to a lot of kids. They are not friends who are of the equal intellectual level, they are not part of the gang or in this case squad. This woman was the adult, a coach, a mentor. I remember going to athletic banquets and award type things and I can tell you I would have been mortified had a coach done this, though NOT ONE of my coaches would have done that. They were coaches, teachers, mentors. They demanded respect and they also appreciated the responsibility that came with coaching and took it seriously, as a consequence myself and teammates felt like we were taken seriously. And, yeah, I was a good athlete and on winning teams, so.... I am beyond grossed out that parents are okay with this woman still coaching without apologizing and worse, realizing the potential damage she can cause by objectifying, and I will repeat, SHIT TEENAGE GIRLS CANNOT HELP LIKE THE BODY THEY WERE BORN WITH, much less other teachers and coaches within the school district. As a former 17 year old girl athlete who has always struggle with body issues, this makes me irate. As a member of this community I am disgusted. Disgusted by the district, this coach's lame excuse, and the fact that she is still influencing teenage girls in how they think about their own bodies and consequently how to thing of other peoples' bodies as well. It has nothing to do with political correctness and everything to do with human decency.
I NEEDED to write about this because I have been obsessing about it my issues recently, but now I am obsessing about it in a different way, this story is annoying me beyond belief. I am annoyed that this lady has parental support, I am annoyed that we live in a time when we can use the idea of political correctness/politics to excuse lazy, bad, and unacceptable behavior and mistakes. I especially want to share it because this city has been home for the past 12 years, I have coached in it, worked with teenagers in it, know adults engrossed in this community's world. It also hits close, metaphorically, to home as well. It has to do with being a female, being an athlete, living with a multitude of expectations, plus the un-obtainable ones foisted on us by a sick society. It has to do with people willfully ignoring the impact of things, actions, and words we have on others. We have the potential to, and actually do, damage to other people, especially those most vulnerable. Stop deluding yourselves into thinking this isn't the case. Children, the most vulnerable of our population, deserve better. THIS IS NOT OKAY. Those of us who care should not have to BEG people to see the potential damage of behavior like this. I should not have to air my personal dirty laundry begging you to see a different and very real perception of this. I don't want to feel like I have to beg parents to keep your children's vulnerabilities and weaknesses in mind when you are excusing what adults can and cannot do in their presence. It has nothing to do with political correctness, just be a god damned adult. Be good to our kids. Understand that NONE of us will every live up to society's expectations and have compassion for those still learning that, it's hard. I should not have to remind you that they are children after all.
On top of society, when male friends talk about the girls they have always been attracted to, small, petite, girls you can lift up and carry, that has never defined me. It is stupid to feel this pressure, I know that, but I do. Despite knowing its stupid, me being 36, and married....I still feel that way. What really bothers me is, good God if I feel this way, how must other women and girls feel? If deep down I know its wrong and I can somewhat now with age regulate this feeling, I weep for the young girls who aren't there yet. I clearly know what its like to work through physical pain to look a certain way, and worse, to perform a certain way, to be a certain way and to feel like you will never live up to the expectations of society. I am tired. It is tiring. It is why I was angry, very angry to hear this story and very angry that it occurred in a town in which I live and pay property taxes in. Angry to hear this woman still has a job, is still trusted by parents to influence their daughters. Angry to hear the intellectually lazy excuse of "political correctness" demands being the cause of anger for this. And, my 17 years old self is beyond angry. Angry at the hours remembered in the gym and sacrificed in the weight-room, if I had receive an award that focuses on shit I cannot help....the way the body I was born with looks, despite all the hard work and hours sacrificed (time I missed building and fostering friendships that last) it would have sent me on even more downward spiral in the lose of confidence department. So, yeah, my 17 year old self is pissed. Kenoshan's read the article, and the rest of my friends, click on the link to the article and be annoyed at how our sports culture still hasn't changed.
https://deadspin.com/report-high-school-cheerleaders-parents-horrified-by-c-1832745015?fbclid=IwAR0_31eaHRLce_6-475gEtHznUtXVaRO1Z5d85slshWoEiHvtrMT2TXkRoQ
You see as a former coach and someone who has worked a lot with teenagers, as an adult what makes me super angry is that.....coaches and teacher, well, ARE THE ADULTS. Often times they are mentors and that relationship means a lot to a lot of kids. They are not friends who are of the equal intellectual level, they are not part of the gang or in this case squad. This woman was the adult, a coach, a mentor. I remember going to athletic banquets and award type things and I can tell you I would have been mortified had a coach done this, though NOT ONE of my coaches would have done that. They were coaches, teachers, mentors. They demanded respect and they also appreciated the responsibility that came with coaching and took it seriously, as a consequence myself and teammates felt like we were taken seriously. And, yeah, I was a good athlete and on winning teams, so.... I am beyond grossed out that parents are okay with this woman still coaching without apologizing and worse, realizing the potential damage she can cause by objectifying, and I will repeat, SHIT TEENAGE GIRLS CANNOT HELP LIKE THE BODY THEY WERE BORN WITH, much less other teachers and coaches within the school district. As a former 17 year old girl athlete who has always struggle with body issues, this makes me irate. As a member of this community I am disgusted. Disgusted by the district, this coach's lame excuse, and the fact that she is still influencing teenage girls in how they think about their own bodies and consequently how to thing of other peoples' bodies as well. It has nothing to do with political correctness and everything to do with human decency.
I NEEDED to write about this because I have been obsessing about it my issues recently, but now I am obsessing about it in a different way, this story is annoying me beyond belief. I am annoyed that this lady has parental support, I am annoyed that we live in a time when we can use the idea of political correctness/politics to excuse lazy, bad, and unacceptable behavior and mistakes. I especially want to share it because this city has been home for the past 12 years, I have coached in it, worked with teenagers in it, know adults engrossed in this community's world. It also hits close, metaphorically, to home as well. It has to do with being a female, being an athlete, living with a multitude of expectations, plus the un-obtainable ones foisted on us by a sick society. It has to do with people willfully ignoring the impact of things, actions, and words we have on others. We have the potential to, and actually do, damage to other people, especially those most vulnerable. Stop deluding yourselves into thinking this isn't the case. Children, the most vulnerable of our population, deserve better. THIS IS NOT OKAY. Those of us who care should not have to BEG people to see the potential damage of behavior like this. I should not have to air my personal dirty laundry begging you to see a different and very real perception of this. I don't want to feel like I have to beg parents to keep your children's vulnerabilities and weaknesses in mind when you are excusing what adults can and cannot do in their presence. It has nothing to do with political correctness, just be a god damned adult. Be good to our kids. Understand that NONE of us will every live up to society's expectations and have compassion for those still learning that, it's hard. I should not have to remind you that they are children after all.
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
America's Dignity
As the dusts tries to settle from a tumultuous weekend, one in which the likes I never thought I would see in my lifetime, I am stricken by the number of fellow American's who continually insist there are more "sides" to the story. We keep saying that, about everything and I will admit most of the time that is true. But we keep getting stuck on this stupid "sides" thing, a childish tit for tat thing that is used to exploit our current condition, or situation. Yes, sometimes there are two side, both deserving of attention, of explanation, of justification. Sometimes in all the kerfuffle between the "many sides" there is one clearly in the wrong, sometimes one is clearly misunderstood, sometimes, both are making the wrong moves. But, BUT, in Charlottesville this weekend there was only one side. There was a group of monsters met by one side, the American side. And because so many of you are so insistent, so intent, so complacently okay with the narrative that there were two sides, it feels positively important that I try, at the very least, to lay down a logical framework as to why that is NOT the case. Why so many felt betrayed by President Trump's initial remarks and why these wounds are not only scary, but why they will not heal. Not until we get on the "right" side of this, regardless of political affiliation, ideology, religion, skin color, gender, or sexual orientation. When you are up against Nazis, Fascists, and white supremacists, I repeat there is only ONE side to be on.
First of all, the first amendment nowhere states that when making your speech, ideology, public gathering, opinion front and center, that you have the right to not suffer the consequences of said usage of the first amendment. You do not get a soapbox to spout without a rebuttal, whether it be immediate, or forth coming. You do not get to rally your troops for some grand march, or violent display of rage, without having to come face to face with the general public. Some of those in the general public might not appreciate this display, especially if said rage is directed at them. And what's that saying, "don't come to a gun fight with a knife"?? Don't come to your rally dressed in paramilitary gear, with automatic weapons, home-made pepper spray, and display your irrational hatred and expect everyone to roll over like a yellow lab when confronted by a giant mastiff. Most likely because rational people realize, that like little yapping dogs, many of these people's bark are no where near a slight nip. It makes it easier convey they are not wanted, the monsters have no place in our society. Uncivilized miscreants who probably simply cannot get laid, do not deserve an unchallenged voice, ever.
Secondly and probably most importantly, when you lump all these people into "many sides" or "different sides" or "both sides" and when you say they have a right to peaceably demonstrate, "they went through the proper channels" "they have the first amendment right like everyone else," yada, yada, yada, more complacent bullshit. The only thing you are doing there is NORMALIZING their ideology. By treating them like they are just out to say their peace and move on you are being COMPLACENT. They do not have a normal conservative or right-leaning ideology. What they are saying is not normal politicking.They are advocating for the demotion of human beings, your fellow American citizens, into a sub-human species. They are DEMANDING your fellow citizens rights be TAKEN AWAY. They are advocating for the lesser treatment of American taxpayers. STOP NORMALIZING THIS MESSAGE. Standing up to them shows it will not be tolerated. Why is that so offensive to people? After scratching my head all weekend I have come to the conclusion that y'all are just confused or you secretly like/agree/(GASP)benefit from their message so why not continue on with the whole, "Well if the Anti-Fa wasn't there this wouldn't have happened." Well that is just a convenient lie, especially since the American, Heather Heyer, lost her life in a peaceful counter protest where there were no ninja dressed Anti-Fa. You know why she lost her life fighting for the rights of others.........BECAUSE NAZIS, FASCISTS, and WHITE SUPREMACISTS are CRAZY, NOT NORMAL, HORRIFYING. The list can go on and on, but they are anything but a normal American political party with a message worth spreading.
Lastly, I got brown family members, brown and black friends, LGBTQ friends, female friends, I am a female. All of these groups are thought of as less to those who "rallied" nay tried and failed at a show of intimidation on Saturday in Charlottesville. This is PERSONAL, and it is, has and always will be for a majority of Americans. I am proud at those who showed up to counter this utterly disgusting display of weak male-hood in our society. Had we had this kind of participation during the civil rights era, a bunch of young kids probably would not have been murdered by the likes of those KKK, Nazi, Fascists a-holes. Despite how they, and they are a they, they are THE OTHER, perceive their reality, they must know that it will never go down without a fight. Some fights are just worth fighting period. I will NEVER unite with these people and I am having a hard time uniting with those who will make excuses for them. We are one America and that one group who showed up to display that to those people/monsters in Charlottesville was the only side in this story. The end, period. So, if you find yourself ever saying, "but," or "if," or "what about," in a desperate attempt to paint a different "side" of what happened in Charlottesville, just remember who you are defending, Nazis and the KKK. Remember who lost their lives, and remember that America's dignity is at stake.
First of all, the first amendment nowhere states that when making your speech, ideology, public gathering, opinion front and center, that you have the right to not suffer the consequences of said usage of the first amendment. You do not get a soapbox to spout without a rebuttal, whether it be immediate, or forth coming. You do not get to rally your troops for some grand march, or violent display of rage, without having to come face to face with the general public. Some of those in the general public might not appreciate this display, especially if said rage is directed at them. And what's that saying, "don't come to a gun fight with a knife"?? Don't come to your rally dressed in paramilitary gear, with automatic weapons, home-made pepper spray, and display your irrational hatred and expect everyone to roll over like a yellow lab when confronted by a giant mastiff. Most likely because rational people realize, that like little yapping dogs, many of these people's bark are no where near a slight nip. It makes it easier convey they are not wanted, the monsters have no place in our society. Uncivilized miscreants who probably simply cannot get laid, do not deserve an unchallenged voice, ever.
Secondly and probably most importantly, when you lump all these people into "many sides" or "different sides" or "both sides" and when you say they have a right to peaceably demonstrate, "they went through the proper channels" "they have the first amendment right like everyone else," yada, yada, yada, more complacent bullshit. The only thing you are doing there is NORMALIZING their ideology. By treating them like they are just out to say their peace and move on you are being COMPLACENT. They do not have a normal conservative or right-leaning ideology. What they are saying is not normal politicking.They are advocating for the demotion of human beings, your fellow American citizens, into a sub-human species. They are DEMANDING your fellow citizens rights be TAKEN AWAY. They are advocating for the lesser treatment of American taxpayers. STOP NORMALIZING THIS MESSAGE. Standing up to them shows it will not be tolerated. Why is that so offensive to people? After scratching my head all weekend I have come to the conclusion that y'all are just confused or you secretly like/agree/(GASP)benefit from their message so why not continue on with the whole, "Well if the Anti-Fa wasn't there this wouldn't have happened." Well that is just a convenient lie, especially since the American, Heather Heyer, lost her life in a peaceful counter protest where there were no ninja dressed Anti-Fa. You know why she lost her life fighting for the rights of others.........BECAUSE NAZIS, FASCISTS, and WHITE SUPREMACISTS are CRAZY, NOT NORMAL, HORRIFYING. The list can go on and on, but they are anything but a normal American political party with a message worth spreading.
Lastly, I got brown family members, brown and black friends, LGBTQ friends, female friends, I am a female. All of these groups are thought of as less to those who "rallied" nay tried and failed at a show of intimidation on Saturday in Charlottesville. This is PERSONAL, and it is, has and always will be for a majority of Americans. I am proud at those who showed up to counter this utterly disgusting display of weak male-hood in our society. Had we had this kind of participation during the civil rights era, a bunch of young kids probably would not have been murdered by the likes of those KKK, Nazi, Fascists a-holes. Despite how they, and they are a they, they are THE OTHER, perceive their reality, they must know that it will never go down without a fight. Some fights are just worth fighting period. I will NEVER unite with these people and I am having a hard time uniting with those who will make excuses for them. We are one America and that one group who showed up to display that to those people/monsters in Charlottesville was the only side in this story. The end, period. So, if you find yourself ever saying, "but," or "if," or "what about," in a desperate attempt to paint a different "side" of what happened in Charlottesville, just remember who you are defending, Nazis and the KKK. Remember who lost their lives, and remember that America's dignity is at stake.
Monday, January 23, 2017
Nuances: They are Important
What a whirlwind weekend! I got to spend a ton of time with my family for my Dad's and niece's birthday, took my nieces and nephews to the Shedd Aquarium, hit up dinner with some good friends for the first time in a long time, watched the Packer game at a neighbors, and on top of all that was the Women's March and the inauguration of the new President. The last few items on that list created a proverbial shit storm in the media and on Facebook that had me wondering, what the hell is wrong with everyone. From the whole political spectrum. From the anarchist on Friday at the the inauguration to Richard Spencer's presence, as well, both of which just makes everything worse. (That is their point, Get it?) But, what really got me was the aggressive nature of discourse. The feeling that people are spoiling for a fight, for whatever reason. Decency gone out the window, along with the hopes and dreams for so many, or, decency gone out the window to revel in the new hopes and dreams of promises made. People are increasingly talking about an echo chamber, and for the most part it is true, we are surrounding ourselves mostly with like minded people. But, I haven't unfriended anyone on Facebook, which was made clear this weekend, despite the mild manner nature and non partisan idea behind my statement, I now get why people are surrounding themselves with like minded people. It doesn't feel good to have people insult you, to constantly be talked down to, and it shouldn't happen in the first place with discourse. So, it also had me thinking some more. I am mostly fascinated by the aggression, hoping it is not the new norm. Maybe we just refuse to "get" each other because it is easier that way, but that is such a disservice to everything that America is about.
If you know me, you know I have been essentially unemployed for a year. A WHOLE ENTIRE YEAR. I have applied for so many jobs, tweaked my resume so many times, created so many different cover letters, have had so many different interviews. Now, I am not stupid, half-way through the year, I just decided to open my own business and I have been happily working on that. However, it would just be nice to be productive and make some money while I am waiting to get things going. So, I get why American's who struggle in the economy are angry. I understand how hard it is to live in an area where it is difficult to get a job. I understand how bad it sucks to spend so much money on healthcare when you are not making any yourself. I get how lousy it feels to have such limited options open to you. I understand that things need to change and they need to change drastically. But, and this is a big but, I no more blame Rep. Paul Ryan for my predicament than I do our former President Barack Obama. I know it is partly my fault, but not totally my fault. My life decisions have been made to the best of my ability, using the best of my knowledge, doing what I thought was right since the age of 18 when I pretty much left my parents house for good. And another but. But, I get that you want to blame something. None of us are as bad as we feel we are made out to be, all of us cannot be as talent-less as this feels, no one is as useless as we may perceive in ourselves. We cannot always be entirely to blame for our predicaments in life, sometimes we are just dealt a bad hand. But, sometimes we also need to evolve. It sucks when your life doesn't always go how you want it. So, trust me when I say that when you have a chance to do something, to make a change in your life, you have to do it. All I want to say is that we have to be careful of the cost.
For me, I cannot sit back and watch a whole entire religious group take the blame for a few bad men, because there are consequences to that sort of rhetoric. I do not want to sit back and see a whole neighboring country be disparaged because the richest of our economy have been taking advantage of their labor for decades, because there are consequences of that rhetoric. I do not want to see productive members of our society forced to hide or sit on the fringes because their lifestyle is different, because there are consequences to that rhetoric. I also do not want my ability to decide my fate, make choices for myself, be left out of the negotiating table because of my gender. The consequences to that last one are grave for me, not everyone, but for me and a few other it is. Not everything is black and white. We must make concessions to the nuances that govern our every day life. You do not put the same amount of salt in cookies that you would a pot roast. Salt requires different amounts depending on what you are cooking. If we cannot compromise on how much salt we are using in our food would be destroyed or inedible. It might be a stupid comparison to you, but we got to this ugliness because compromise became a bad word. We started playing a zero-sum game, and now the consequences are playing out and I for one do not like how this world is turning. There is too much effing salt out there and people need chill out. I am a big proponent of having political parties. Understand this. WE WOULD NOT BE A DEMOCRACY IF WE DID NOT HAVE MORE THAN ONE POLITICAL PARTY. I tell my own mother that on a weekly basis. If we are going to have a working democracy we need to stop thinking someone who has different ideas, unless they are anarchist or Richard Spencer, are inherently evil or want the worst for people.
For example, abortion. I get how abhorrent the idea sounds, especially when hearing the awesome emotional terminology people use surrounding the issue. Despite that, I am very much pro-choice, as are most people I roll with. But, I guarantee most of them would never get one. What I fear most, is dying because of complications with the fetus and not having that as an option. Which happened here http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-northern-ireland-20321741 and here http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a7025177/italy-woman-doctor-abortion-refusal-death/ And that for me is two deaths too many because we are incapable of having nuanced ideas about this topic. I know a handful of women whose lives become at risk when they become pregnant, by choice or due to failed birth control. Do their lives not matter? When do we stop? So I dislike, that one prominent conservative blogger, whose hatred I despise and every time his blog is shared by someone I know I shutter with literal pain in my heart, grouped the millions of people who march around the world on Saturday under the umbrella of horrible women's rights abortionist who, are "whining" and "incoherently" demanding rights. That blog was about as valuable as Madonna's expletive laden speech. Meaning both of them were utterly worthless. This is what we have to work with people. These are the people who get the attention. These are supposed to be the voices that represent both sides. These are the voices who rally us to hate, to vitriol, and worst of all these are the voices who validate the worst of our emotions. I am not saying we have to love each other like some damn hippies, but if you cannot see a problem with this then just ignore everything I have written here, because right now you probably are angry and refuse to believe there is a problem.
So, as a result we are all forgotten men and women, all the time, no matter who is President. We always have been. Study the history of the world and you will understand our insignificance on this planet, in this world, and in our own lifetimes. It is why people turned to religion, which is now often used as an excuse to exclude. It is why people formed communities, which are now just stopping points on our hours long commutes every day after working ridiculous hours for pittances. It is why we clung to our families, who now half the people are not talking to each other because we are all participating in this stupid zero-sum game in which we allow our emotions to over take our logic when forming our ideologies. So now, we are still forgotten but we just aggressively dislike those who disagree with us. We attack peoples character instead of discussing ideas. But, as long as we keep doing that, then we will remain forgotten and the same people who have always been in power will continue to be in power and nothing will change. Rights will be eroded for people you probably love, but because we will not compromise, because this is zero-sum, right or wrong, black and white, we will all remain forgotten. While we continue to fight each other in battles that mean nothing to us, but everything to those people who benefit them, we will be forgotten. It doesn't matter if it is the 100 Years War, the Crimean War, or the Vietnam War. We will be used as distractions and fodder for those who benefit. But, who is all to blame in this?? Is it the politicians? The rich? Both? Us? Our desire for more, our needs and wants? Our entitlements? I do not know, but we are now just seeing this cycle play out more aggressively than normal because we are allowing our tightly held convictions be used as validation to attack those we know. We are trying to put each other into place, but we refuse to acknowledge the only place we are all headed is down.
If you know me, you know I have been essentially unemployed for a year. A WHOLE ENTIRE YEAR. I have applied for so many jobs, tweaked my resume so many times, created so many different cover letters, have had so many different interviews. Now, I am not stupid, half-way through the year, I just decided to open my own business and I have been happily working on that. However, it would just be nice to be productive and make some money while I am waiting to get things going. So, I get why American's who struggle in the economy are angry. I understand how hard it is to live in an area where it is difficult to get a job. I understand how bad it sucks to spend so much money on healthcare when you are not making any yourself. I get how lousy it feels to have such limited options open to you. I understand that things need to change and they need to change drastically. But, and this is a big but, I no more blame Rep. Paul Ryan for my predicament than I do our former President Barack Obama. I know it is partly my fault, but not totally my fault. My life decisions have been made to the best of my ability, using the best of my knowledge, doing what I thought was right since the age of 18 when I pretty much left my parents house for good. And another but. But, I get that you want to blame something. None of us are as bad as we feel we are made out to be, all of us cannot be as talent-less as this feels, no one is as useless as we may perceive in ourselves. We cannot always be entirely to blame for our predicaments in life, sometimes we are just dealt a bad hand. But, sometimes we also need to evolve. It sucks when your life doesn't always go how you want it. So, trust me when I say that when you have a chance to do something, to make a change in your life, you have to do it. All I want to say is that we have to be careful of the cost.
For me, I cannot sit back and watch a whole entire religious group take the blame for a few bad men, because there are consequences to that sort of rhetoric. I do not want to sit back and see a whole neighboring country be disparaged because the richest of our economy have been taking advantage of their labor for decades, because there are consequences of that rhetoric. I do not want to see productive members of our society forced to hide or sit on the fringes because their lifestyle is different, because there are consequences to that rhetoric. I also do not want my ability to decide my fate, make choices for myself, be left out of the negotiating table because of my gender. The consequences to that last one are grave for me, not everyone, but for me and a few other it is. Not everything is black and white. We must make concessions to the nuances that govern our every day life. You do not put the same amount of salt in cookies that you would a pot roast. Salt requires different amounts depending on what you are cooking. If we cannot compromise on how much salt we are using in our food would be destroyed or inedible. It might be a stupid comparison to you, but we got to this ugliness because compromise became a bad word. We started playing a zero-sum game, and now the consequences are playing out and I for one do not like how this world is turning. There is too much effing salt out there and people need chill out. I am a big proponent of having political parties. Understand this. WE WOULD NOT BE A DEMOCRACY IF WE DID NOT HAVE MORE THAN ONE POLITICAL PARTY. I tell my own mother that on a weekly basis. If we are going to have a working democracy we need to stop thinking someone who has different ideas, unless they are anarchist or Richard Spencer, are inherently evil or want the worst for people.
For example, abortion. I get how abhorrent the idea sounds, especially when hearing the awesome emotional terminology people use surrounding the issue. Despite that, I am very much pro-choice, as are most people I roll with. But, I guarantee most of them would never get one. What I fear most, is dying because of complications with the fetus and not having that as an option. Which happened here http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-northern-ireland-20321741 and here http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a7025177/italy-woman-doctor-abortion-refusal-death/ And that for me is two deaths too many because we are incapable of having nuanced ideas about this topic. I know a handful of women whose lives become at risk when they become pregnant, by choice or due to failed birth control. Do their lives not matter? When do we stop? So I dislike, that one prominent conservative blogger, whose hatred I despise and every time his blog is shared by someone I know I shutter with literal pain in my heart, grouped the millions of people who march around the world on Saturday under the umbrella of horrible women's rights abortionist who, are "whining" and "incoherently" demanding rights. That blog was about as valuable as Madonna's expletive laden speech. Meaning both of them were utterly worthless. This is what we have to work with people. These are the people who get the attention. These are supposed to be the voices that represent both sides. These are the voices who rally us to hate, to vitriol, and worst of all these are the voices who validate the worst of our emotions. I am not saying we have to love each other like some damn hippies, but if you cannot see a problem with this then just ignore everything I have written here, because right now you probably are angry and refuse to believe there is a problem.
So, as a result we are all forgotten men and women, all the time, no matter who is President. We always have been. Study the history of the world and you will understand our insignificance on this planet, in this world, and in our own lifetimes. It is why people turned to religion, which is now often used as an excuse to exclude. It is why people formed communities, which are now just stopping points on our hours long commutes every day after working ridiculous hours for pittances. It is why we clung to our families, who now half the people are not talking to each other because we are all participating in this stupid zero-sum game in which we allow our emotions to over take our logic when forming our ideologies. So now, we are still forgotten but we just aggressively dislike those who disagree with us. We attack peoples character instead of discussing ideas. But, as long as we keep doing that, then we will remain forgotten and the same people who have always been in power will continue to be in power and nothing will change. Rights will be eroded for people you probably love, but because we will not compromise, because this is zero-sum, right or wrong, black and white, we will all remain forgotten. While we continue to fight each other in battles that mean nothing to us, but everything to those people who benefit them, we will be forgotten. It doesn't matter if it is the 100 Years War, the Crimean War, or the Vietnam War. We will be used as distractions and fodder for those who benefit. But, who is all to blame in this?? Is it the politicians? The rich? Both? Us? Our desire for more, our needs and wants? Our entitlements? I do not know, but we are now just seeing this cycle play out more aggressively than normal because we are allowing our tightly held convictions be used as validation to attack those we know. We are trying to put each other into place, but we refuse to acknowledge the only place we are all headed is down.
Thursday, December 8, 2016
Damn Year in Review
It is that time of the year again. The time where Facebook comes out with their, "Year in Review" videos. All it does is remind me that another years passed without much accomplished. Which of course had me reminiscing about probably one of my weirdest years yet. And it wasn't necessarily a good year, but it also wasn't necessarily a bad year. 2016 just felt like a year where I didn't go anywhere. Like I sat in a glass snow globe and watched the world turn without me and life go on, on the outside. This, of course, led me to start thinking about what it was that was off about my year and oddly enough, I thought about my yoga class last Friday morning. Clearly weird, but then I stumbled across a word that helped me put my thoughts into perspective.
Last Friday morning in class, the instructor asked for two super hard poses to work towards. My back has been messed up for months, seriously putting a damper on my life and my right leg is now smaller than my left and it is freaking me out, but getting back to the point, for lack of a better term I have been taking the old lady classes. So when someone, another instructor, shouted out "bird of paradise" I was stoked. Not sure if I was ready for that pose, but figured I could at least try to get to a pose that a year ago was no sweat to me. Then it hit it me, it was going to be more difficult because I was in the back the row, meaning, I had to look forward and hopefully avoid looking at the wobbling figure in front of me. But, I put myself in the back row, purposefully. My confidence is low, fitness lost and I have been wanting to hide. It is just in general hard for me to get focused on me these days in a classroom full of loud breathers, moaners, and wobblers. I was nervous that I would have a hard time BALANCING if I watched the lady in front of me shake her way into some sort of modified "bird of paradise." But, I put myself behind her on purpose, it was a frustrating thought. So today, as I sit here thinking about what made 2016 so odd, I go back to that pose and think of the total and utter lack of balance. Not only did I have a hard time with balance, it seems our world did as well, and since I am always effected by those around me, I let other off-balanced people effect my balance, just like in yoga. I have been doubly off-balanced by things I can control and things that I cannot.
It has been a year of learning and realization. It has been a year of disappointment, self struggle, loss of love, missed friendships, physical and mental setbacks, and of multiple steps backward. However, it has also been a year of new experiences, new friendships, new adventures, hard work, and most of all a little acceptance. What this year hasn't been is quiet, steady, or even keeled. But, that lack of balance has helped me to understand me, my faults, and my strengths and it is hard to be mad at that. (Though it still feels like 2016 had a dark cloud over it.) If we know ourselves better, maybe we can be more forgiving, not just of ourselves but of others. The chaos created by being out of balance is a quiet chaos, but now that I see it everything just feels manic for lack of a better term. Everything is either/or, politically, economically, culturally, in our daily lives. You are either in, or you are out. There seems to be no room for anything but. This year seems to be about the overall creation of a zero-sum game. With that creation we are robbing ourselves of balance, which leads to anger and general malaise.
As the year comes to an end, I can't help but think of a quote from a book that I recently read called Shantaram. Long, a little too fantastical to be based on real life, but an okay book overall. This one idea really got to me, because as I struggle with my lack of balance, some melancholic feelings about things and people, it struck me as not only true, but okay. It is a concept that is pulling me back into balance, because I cannot help be anything other than me. I cannot control anyone else's balance, but I can control how much their balance effects me by focusing what I have to offer to remain in the game of life. As Lin says, "Love, like respect isn't something you get; it is something you give." As I looked for the indulgences known as affirmation and reciprocation in 2016, I lost my balance and it hurt. But, I am good at loving, and being vulnerable, and being open, and since I am literal, genuine. The realization that those are not necessarily going to be reciprocated actually feels peaceful and surprisingly, not personal. With that in mind, I am looking forward to friends, family, and new experiences in 2017 and to giving without expectation. I am just sorry it took me so long to realize that :)
Last Friday morning in class, the instructor asked for two super hard poses to work towards. My back has been messed up for months, seriously putting a damper on my life and my right leg is now smaller than my left and it is freaking me out, but getting back to the point, for lack of a better term I have been taking the old lady classes. So when someone, another instructor, shouted out "bird of paradise" I was stoked. Not sure if I was ready for that pose, but figured I could at least try to get to a pose that a year ago was no sweat to me. Then it hit it me, it was going to be more difficult because I was in the back the row, meaning, I had to look forward and hopefully avoid looking at the wobbling figure in front of me. But, I put myself in the back row, purposefully. My confidence is low, fitness lost and I have been wanting to hide. It is just in general hard for me to get focused on me these days in a classroom full of loud breathers, moaners, and wobblers. I was nervous that I would have a hard time BALANCING if I watched the lady in front of me shake her way into some sort of modified "bird of paradise." But, I put myself behind her on purpose, it was a frustrating thought. So today, as I sit here thinking about what made 2016 so odd, I go back to that pose and think of the total and utter lack of balance. Not only did I have a hard time with balance, it seems our world did as well, and since I am always effected by those around me, I let other off-balanced people effect my balance, just like in yoga. I have been doubly off-balanced by things I can control and things that I cannot.
It has been a year of learning and realization. It has been a year of disappointment, self struggle, loss of love, missed friendships, physical and mental setbacks, and of multiple steps backward. However, it has also been a year of new experiences, new friendships, new adventures, hard work, and most of all a little acceptance. What this year hasn't been is quiet, steady, or even keeled. But, that lack of balance has helped me to understand me, my faults, and my strengths and it is hard to be mad at that. (Though it still feels like 2016 had a dark cloud over it.) If we know ourselves better, maybe we can be more forgiving, not just of ourselves but of others. The chaos created by being out of balance is a quiet chaos, but now that I see it everything just feels manic for lack of a better term. Everything is either/or, politically, economically, culturally, in our daily lives. You are either in, or you are out. There seems to be no room for anything but. This year seems to be about the overall creation of a zero-sum game. With that creation we are robbing ourselves of balance, which leads to anger and general malaise.
As the year comes to an end, I can't help but think of a quote from a book that I recently read called Shantaram. Long, a little too fantastical to be based on real life, but an okay book overall. This one idea really got to me, because as I struggle with my lack of balance, some melancholic feelings about things and people, it struck me as not only true, but okay. It is a concept that is pulling me back into balance, because I cannot help be anything other than me. I cannot control anyone else's balance, but I can control how much their balance effects me by focusing what I have to offer to remain in the game of life. As Lin says, "Love, like respect isn't something you get; it is something you give." As I looked for the indulgences known as affirmation and reciprocation in 2016, I lost my balance and it hurt. But, I am good at loving, and being vulnerable, and being open, and since I am literal, genuine. The realization that those are not necessarily going to be reciprocated actually feels peaceful and surprisingly, not personal. With that in mind, I am looking forward to friends, family, and new experiences in 2017 and to giving without expectation. I am just sorry it took me so long to realize that :)
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Stop It
Listen, being unhappy with the results of the election does not make you anti- or un- American. It doesn't make you lazy, it doesn't make you a sore loser, and it doesn't mean that many of us do not have fair grievances for what happened last night. Just like if you voted for Donald Trump it doesn't necessarily mean you are a racist, or a misogynist. It probably means that you just wanted change, despite not much change happening in the senate or the congress, but that is a conversation for another day. Just like I can recognize that not all Donald Trump supporters are as mentioned above, racist or misogynist, people need to understand that for many of us, Donald Trumps message of change did NOT resonate louder than his, well, "other" message. What I wanted from this election is.....
I want to live in a nation where it is okay to be Muslim, or Jewish, just as much as it is okay to be Catholic or Episcopalian. The real and threatening language that has been directed towards those groups deserves to be addressed and not swept under the rug because people on Facebook want this to be "over." The very real fear that has been instilled in both groups is undeserved and for many preserving their daily life felt dependent on this election, and they are still living in uncertainty. People of different faiths deserve to live their lives in peace in this country.
I want to live in a nation where journalist can cover events without fear of retribution. Where journalist, even if they lean right or left, are respected and allowed to be included in the conversations that shape this nation. I want the press room in the White House to always be full, I want newspapers to always have the scoop, I want the network anchors to always be able to tell the story without the threat of censorship. We deserve to have a strong and active press corp who upholds and reflects our right to free speech, always.
I want to live in a nation where LGBT kids are not threatened with bogus conversion therapy. Because, for one it is not a real thing, and two, there is nothing wrong with them. I want my friends and family who are married to partners of the same sex be able to be by their side in times of need. To always be recognized as who they are, live every other married couple living their lives. I do not want them to fear that the sanctity of their unions can be wiped away. People in this country deserve the right to love who they love without question. They have a right be treated with equality and respect.
I want to live in a nation where my life is not threatened by an non-viable pregnancy. I do not want women to be punished, physically, mentally, or emotionally for making a choice about her health and body. Even one woman who dies because of abortion bans is too many. When women are dying in places like Italy, Ireland, and Poland despite having amazing medical care, but the inability to have a life saving abortion performed, and American's continue to avoid that part of the discussion, I and many other women will live in fear. No one has a right to my body but me, when that is taken away what will we as women have left?
I want to live in a nation that recognizes it was founded by immigrants and continues to be welcoming to immigrants. Our immigrant community, be it Somali, Syrian, Hmong, or any other nation, contribute to our vibrant country. They deserve our compassion and kindness, not our hatred or disgust of another. I do not want people fleeing from war, hunger, or political strife to have to carry that fear with them here. It does not seem right that children of immigrants fear being sent back. My heart broke last night when my seven year old nephew asked if he is going to have to live in Pakistan now. No one should ever have to feel like they are unwanted despite being citizens.
I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the new President-elect that he can govern for everyone like he promised this morning. But, these are very real issues to very real Americans. Things have been said, innuendo has been made and in some cases action unfortunately has been taken. A little empathy could go a long way with "healing the divide" that everyone talks about. If we as a nation are unwilling to even acknowledge this, to discuss that what went down, too many people will be living the next four years in fear. You many of voted for him in an effort for change, but many did not vote for him out of fear that they will not be able to go about their daily lives. The travesty remains that people do not want to talk about this, or think we should sweep it under the rugs. Again, I am not going to remain silent about it. I do hope for change, I hope that these fears are unfounded, but I cannot and will not remain silent.
I want to live in a nation where it is okay to be Muslim, or Jewish, just as much as it is okay to be Catholic or Episcopalian. The real and threatening language that has been directed towards those groups deserves to be addressed and not swept under the rug because people on Facebook want this to be "over." The very real fear that has been instilled in both groups is undeserved and for many preserving their daily life felt dependent on this election, and they are still living in uncertainty. People of different faiths deserve to live their lives in peace in this country.
I want to live in a nation where journalist can cover events without fear of retribution. Where journalist, even if they lean right or left, are respected and allowed to be included in the conversations that shape this nation. I want the press room in the White House to always be full, I want newspapers to always have the scoop, I want the network anchors to always be able to tell the story without the threat of censorship. We deserve to have a strong and active press corp who upholds and reflects our right to free speech, always.
I want to live in a nation where LGBT kids are not threatened with bogus conversion therapy. Because, for one it is not a real thing, and two, there is nothing wrong with them. I want my friends and family who are married to partners of the same sex be able to be by their side in times of need. To always be recognized as who they are, live every other married couple living their lives. I do not want them to fear that the sanctity of their unions can be wiped away. People in this country deserve the right to love who they love without question. They have a right be treated with equality and respect.
I want to live in a nation where my life is not threatened by an non-viable pregnancy. I do not want women to be punished, physically, mentally, or emotionally for making a choice about her health and body. Even one woman who dies because of abortion bans is too many. When women are dying in places like Italy, Ireland, and Poland despite having amazing medical care, but the inability to have a life saving abortion performed, and American's continue to avoid that part of the discussion, I and many other women will live in fear. No one has a right to my body but me, when that is taken away what will we as women have left?
I want to live in a nation that recognizes it was founded by immigrants and continues to be welcoming to immigrants. Our immigrant community, be it Somali, Syrian, Hmong, or any other nation, contribute to our vibrant country. They deserve our compassion and kindness, not our hatred or disgust of another. I do not want people fleeing from war, hunger, or political strife to have to carry that fear with them here. It does not seem right that children of immigrants fear being sent back. My heart broke last night when my seven year old nephew asked if he is going to have to live in Pakistan now. No one should ever have to feel like they are unwanted despite being citizens.
I am willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the new President-elect that he can govern for everyone like he promised this morning. But, these are very real issues to very real Americans. Things have been said, innuendo has been made and in some cases action unfortunately has been taken. A little empathy could go a long way with "healing the divide" that everyone talks about. If we as a nation are unwilling to even acknowledge this, to discuss that what went down, too many people will be living the next four years in fear. You many of voted for him in an effort for change, but many did not vote for him out of fear that they will not be able to go about their daily lives. The travesty remains that people do not want to talk about this, or think we should sweep it under the rugs. Again, I am not going to remain silent about it. I do hope for change, I hope that these fears are unfounded, but I cannot and will not remain silent.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Word
So, when I was in high school and undergrad I loved those class discussions about World War II. They always fascinated me and the older and more studied I became there was always something about the events and circumstances that I just could not understand and it always stemmed from the same idea that has ruminated in my head since I first thought it in eight grade. So it was with that idea rattling around in my brain that I went about studying the subject. It was with great relief when I realized in my first graduate seminar on the topic, that it was an actual academic issue that colored many scholar's study of the Holocaust more specifically than just World War II. That issue being, who was at fault. The German government or the whole country, every person. What always fascinated me in earlier classes was how quickly other students would feign disgust at the idea that people could so idly sit by while their neighbors were being massacred. And I always refrained from giving my opinion on it, because there are many circumstances involved and the one thing you cannot ever do use hindsight as justification in determining your moral fiber. The honest truth is that no one knows what they would have done in 1933 Germany, 1937 Germany, 1944 Germany and so on and so forth. We can be disgusted about what happened, we can question why opposition was so low, (Gestapo was effective, people ratted out their neighbors, as American's we do not give enough credit to resistance fighters because it takes away from our own narrative as the hero, and so on and so forth) and we most certainly can be abhorred that people participated. But, there is one thing no one can say with certainty and that is, "Well, I would never have stood for/done/accepted/participated.....in said event." The only thing that you will ever know is what you are doing in the present and what you personally did in the past.
That being said, we are on the last day of our current presidential election cycle and for me, speaking out against someone I think is truly dangerous, not only to my family, but to our democracy, to our history, to our rights, and to our freedoms is pretty damn important. I keep seeing people on Facebook being upset that people are vocal about this election. That politics is just politics and people need to relax. And yes, that is usually true every four years and in all honesty the president actually has relatively little bearing on your every day world. However, and this is a giant HOWEVER, we have never had a presidential candidate so close to winning that continues insult women, demonize Muslims, harass immigrants, debase handicap people, threaten the future family of our LGBT citizens. At the very least this person will represent the American people to the world, and I for one am appalled that this rhetoric is accepted by one of the most influential political parties in the country. I am appalled that now, not one but two or the world's most popular religions are being insulted, since the Jewish community has been added to the list. We are a country with freedom of religion. I am appalled that the journalist of this country are being threatened, despite our freedom of the press which is our assurance that we will be informed, and that our government HAS to be transparent. I am personally angered for my Muslim family members, my immigrant friends, and anyone else who has been treated as a second class citizen by Mr. Trump. This is the time to speak out and it is my right. Sorry, but this is more important that showing pictures of my dog, food, husband, or whatever non-important thing I did last Saturday.
If you think it is OK because Mr. Trump is anti-establishment, think again. He has continually benefited from being a white, rich male. There is nothing anti-establishment about that, zero. He has never been on the outside looking in. He has benefited greatly from our political system, tax system, justice system, economic system, and popular culture form of entertainment. We do not get to throw human decency out the window because we feel like we are getting screwed by a government your friends and neighbors voted for 2, 4, or 6 years ago. But what I can tell you, what is an immediate threat for me, is this nugget of knowledge that effects me personally EVERY DAMN DAY. It is why I feel the need to speak out and it is why many others do as well.
"The Center for the Study of Hate and Extremism at California State University, San Bernardino, found at least 260 hate crimes targeting Muslims in 2015 ― nearly an 80 percent rise from 2014, and the greatest number of such crimes in any year since 2001.
Researchers in that report also found an 87.5% increase in hate crimes against Muslims in the days directly following Trumps proposal to ban Muslims from entering the U.S."
*(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/lawyers-blame-alt-right-for-clients-death-threats-against-muslims_us_581c9e9be4b0e80b02c93e24)
What bothers me immediately is that despite being 2016, we still live in a nation that still espouses a certain type of rape culture where men feel permitted to even comment on a woman's body. (ahem Harvard Soccer team) To the point where it is just peachy keen that we have a presidential candidate who does it on a regular basis and it is dismissed as nothing but a boys will be boys mentality. A mentality that makes it A-okay for rape victims to be blamed or dismissed because, "they drank too much," or "wore slutty cloths."
Because, here is the deal. WORDS HAVE POWER. Words have the power to vilify, words have the power to shame, and worst of all words have the power to act as agency in the expression of anger, real or manufactured. A shift in our culture is not a license to suspend the rights of minorities, religious or color of skin or sexual orientation. A shift in our demographic population does not give us a right to harden our hearts against our fellow citizens casting aside a group of people as second class citizens. The only person who made this election personal is the one on the ballot tomorrow. So yes, with so much at stake, I will speak out. I will post about it on Facebook. You should feel uncomfortable with him, we all should feel uncomfortable with this. Listen, we need a working Republican/Conservative Party. That is not the issue here. This is not about being a conservative or a liberal. I am disgusted for my die hard Republican friends who are suffering through the agony of this election cycle knowing they cannot vote for this man. At this point it is about human decency. What is the issue is the fact that right now a narcissistic demagogue is the face of that party. We cannot allow any more hate to permeate our great experiment. We cannot let this man become the suicide of our democracy. My family deserves better and so does yours. And I can live with myself in 2016 and the fact that I did speak out against Donald Trump's hatred. I know where I stand today in the face of someone threatening my family, friends, and fellow citizens.
Monday, October 17, 2016
To be or not to be: In Control
Everyday most of us strive to live the life that best suits our needs, be them immediate or long term. I need coffee to wake up. It is immediate and even though its a normative, minuscule task, I still only exert a certain amount of control in my even being able to complete the process in order to make sure I get coffee. There could have been some accident rendering my water supply contaminated. My dog could have jumped up and broke my coffee maker, the Starbucks or deli down the street could have burned down. There are things beyond my control that could totally paralyze my ability to meet my need for coffee. Now, it probably seems like a stupid example, but if our tiny needs through out the day are not 100% in our control, the bigger ones are even more complex. And this is what has been rattling around in my brain. How much control do we actually have, and furthermore, how much do our desires to control our own outcomes effect other people?
I get the concept of control and how appealing it is psychologically. You can decided what happens, avoid the bad, be better, do better, have better. Get what you want when you want because you are in control. It is safe, it is easy, and more importantly it is something that you wholly own. It is yours. Your own concept of control is enacted by your own definition of it. But, the dichotomy of control and controlling is often put on the back burner, mostly not even realized. Because, as I stated from above, how much does our desire for control effect other people? Our relationships within the family, marital, friendships, and so forth. If we are each and solely in control or our lives, then when we intersect there are two independent forces fighting for control. No matter how much we refuse to admit it or realize it. It is scary for many to acquiesce their control. Look at backseat drivers, people who criticize the most mundane tasks like cooking. How does one reconcile the big ones?
Admittedly I think about this a lot because sometimes control is over rated. It makes us too hard on ourselves and too hard on other people. "If he could just control his feelings he wouldn't be in this mess." "All she has to do is exert a bit of control and she could have what she wants." When dealing with other people the idea of control lets us off the hook, we get to write off their failures as their own fault. Why should we be bothered with feelings of sympathy or empathy because someone was lax in their control. On a personal level, and especially in America, we are saddled with expectations of perfection. Ideologically individualized, constantly driven by the concept of not having anyone to blame but ourselves. I think its utterly preposterous. We want to control our lives but we have to be careful. At the same time we have to display effusive amounts of gratitude for "what we have," in total spite of how we might be feeling at that moment or years down the road. This renders the idea of real control utterly mute, and it is even more glaring when we are intersecting with other people. Control as a double edge sword sucks, and is especially susceptible to sucking depending on who is wielding it. Despite desiring control of our lives we are still help up to normative standards of our society, which makes us desperately cling to our control even more, scaring the shit out of people who feel out of control and so on and so forth. Fast forward to anxiety and a host of other problems.
Is control a useful tool in holding ourselves accountable? Very much so. Does it help us to reach our goals and stay on track? Absolutely. All I wish is for us to remember the downsides when we hold on to it too rigidly. When we rest on our control like it is some sort of Puritanical laurel of achievement. Ironically too many Americans consider our nation to be a Christian one, if that were ultimately the truth, the need for control would diminish. We wouldn't need it because we have faith. What amuses me about the idea of control is that fact that I have a pretty total lack of said faith, but no strong desire to fight and push for my version of control. It is probably lazy on my part but I want to be forgiving of myself and those around me. I see the world as so interconnected there is just no way that my own actions will ever solely effect just me no matter how hard I try or how little I think about the effects of my actions. I also want to see life changing and I want to give myself permission to change with it and those around me as well. So as Ralph Ellison said in Invisible Man, “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” We can try to be the most perfect human being, the best versions of ourselves, exert the utmost amount of control in the process, but after all, we are only human beings. We are all on the precipice of defeat because that is what it means to be human and fallible.
I get the concept of control and how appealing it is psychologically. You can decided what happens, avoid the bad, be better, do better, have better. Get what you want when you want because you are in control. It is safe, it is easy, and more importantly it is something that you wholly own. It is yours. Your own concept of control is enacted by your own definition of it. But, the dichotomy of control and controlling is often put on the back burner, mostly not even realized. Because, as I stated from above, how much does our desire for control effect other people? Our relationships within the family, marital, friendships, and so forth. If we are each and solely in control or our lives, then when we intersect there are two independent forces fighting for control. No matter how much we refuse to admit it or realize it. It is scary for many to acquiesce their control. Look at backseat drivers, people who criticize the most mundane tasks like cooking. How does one reconcile the big ones?
Admittedly I think about this a lot because sometimes control is over rated. It makes us too hard on ourselves and too hard on other people. "If he could just control his feelings he wouldn't be in this mess." "All she has to do is exert a bit of control and she could have what she wants." When dealing with other people the idea of control lets us off the hook, we get to write off their failures as their own fault. Why should we be bothered with feelings of sympathy or empathy because someone was lax in their control. On a personal level, and especially in America, we are saddled with expectations of perfection. Ideologically individualized, constantly driven by the concept of not having anyone to blame but ourselves. I think its utterly preposterous. We want to control our lives but we have to be careful. At the same time we have to display effusive amounts of gratitude for "what we have," in total spite of how we might be feeling at that moment or years down the road. This renders the idea of real control utterly mute, and it is even more glaring when we are intersecting with other people. Control as a double edge sword sucks, and is especially susceptible to sucking depending on who is wielding it. Despite desiring control of our lives we are still help up to normative standards of our society, which makes us desperately cling to our control even more, scaring the shit out of people who feel out of control and so on and so forth. Fast forward to anxiety and a host of other problems.
Is control a useful tool in holding ourselves accountable? Very much so. Does it help us to reach our goals and stay on track? Absolutely. All I wish is for us to remember the downsides when we hold on to it too rigidly. When we rest on our control like it is some sort of Puritanical laurel of achievement. Ironically too many Americans consider our nation to be a Christian one, if that were ultimately the truth, the need for control would diminish. We wouldn't need it because we have faith. What amuses me about the idea of control is that fact that I have a pretty total lack of said faith, but no strong desire to fight and push for my version of control. It is probably lazy on my part but I want to be forgiving of myself and those around me. I see the world as so interconnected there is just no way that my own actions will ever solely effect just me no matter how hard I try or how little I think about the effects of my actions. I also want to see life changing and I want to give myself permission to change with it and those around me as well. So as Ralph Ellison said in Invisible Man, “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” We can try to be the most perfect human being, the best versions of ourselves, exert the utmost amount of control in the process, but after all, we are only human beings. We are all on the precipice of defeat because that is what it means to be human and fallible.
To be or not to be: In Control
Everyday most of us strive to live the life that best suits our needs, be them immediate or long term. I need coffee to wake up. It is immediate and even though its a normative, minuscule task, I still only exert a certain amount of control in my even being able to complete the process in order to make sure I get coffee. There could have been some accident rendering my water supply contaminated. My dog could have jumped up and broke my coffee maker, the Starbucks or deli down the street could have burned down. There are things beyond my control that could totally paralyze my ability to meet my need for coffee. Now, it probably seems like a stupid example, but if our tiny needs through out the day are not 100% in our control, the bigger ones are even more complex. And this is what has been rattling around in my brain. How much control do we actually have, and furthermore, how much do our desires to control our own outcomes effect other people?
I get the concept of control and how appealing it is psychologically. You can decided what happens, avoid the bad, be better, do better, have better. Get what you want when you want because you are in control. It is safe, it is easy, and more importantly it is something that you wholly own. It is yours. Your own concept of control is enacted by your own definition of it. But, the dichotomy of control and controlling is often put on the back burner, mostly not even realized. Because, as I stated from above, how much does our desire for control effect other people? Our relationships within the family, marital, friendships, and so forth. If we are each and solely in control or our lives, then when we intersect there are two independent forces fighting for control. No matter how much we refuse to admit it or realize it. It is scary for many to acquiesce their control. Look at backseat drivers, people who criticize the most mundane tasks like cooking. How does one reconcile the big ones?
Admittedly I think about this a lot because sometimes control is over rated. It makes us too hard on ourselves and too hard on other people. "If he could just control his feelings he wouldn't be in this mess." "All she has to do is exert a bit of control and she could have what she wants." When dealing with other people the idea of control lets us off the hook, we get to write off their failures as their own fault. Why should we be bothered with feelings of sympathy or empathy because someone was lax in their control. On a personal level, and especially in America, we are saddled with expectations of perfection. Ideologically individualized, constantly driven by the concept of not having anyone to blame but ourselves. I think its utterly preposterous. We want to control our lives but we have to be careful. At the same time we have to display effusive amounts of gratitude for "what we have," in total spite of how we might be feeling at that moment or years down the road. This renders the idea of real control utterly mute, and it is even more glaring when we are intersecting with other people. Control as a double edge sword sucks, and is especially susceptible to sucking depending on who is wielding it. Despite desiring control of our lives we are still help up to normative standards of our society, which makes us desperately cling to our control even more, scaring the shit out of people who feel out of control and so on and so forth. Fast forward to anxiety and a host of other problems.
Is control a useful tool in holding ourselves accountable? Very much so. Does it help us to reach our goals and stay on track? Absolutely. All I wish is for us to remember the downsides when we hold on to it too rigidly. When we rest on our control like it is some sort of Puritanical laurel of achievement. Ironically too many Americans consider our nation to be a Christian one, if that were ultimately the truth, the need for control would diminish. We wouldn't need it because we have faith. What amuses me about the idea of control is that fact that I have a pretty total lack of said faith, but no strong desire to fight and push for my version of control. It is probably lazy on my part but I want to be forgiving of myself and those around me. I see the world as so interconnected there is just no way that my own actions will ever solely effect just me no matter how hard I try or how little I think about the effects of my actions. I also want to see life changing and I want to give myself permission to change with it and those around me as well. So as Ralph Ellison said in Invisible Man, “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” We can try to be the most perfect human being, the best versions of ourselves, exert the utmost amount of control in the process, but after all, we are only human beings. We are all on the precipice of defeat because that is what it means to be human and fallible.
I get the concept of control and how appealing it is psychologically. You can decided what happens, avoid the bad, be better, do better, have better. Get what you want when you want because you are in control. It is safe, it is easy, and more importantly it is something that you wholly own. It is yours. Your own concept of control is enacted by your own definition of it. But, the dichotomy of control and controlling is often put on the back burner, mostly not even realized. Because, as I stated from above, how much does our desire for control effect other people? Our relationships within the family, marital, friendships, and so forth. If we are each and solely in control or our lives, then when we intersect there are two independent forces fighting for control. No matter how much we refuse to admit it or realize it. It is scary for many to acquiesce their control. Look at backseat drivers, people who criticize the most mundane tasks like cooking. How does one reconcile the big ones?
Admittedly I think about this a lot because sometimes control is over rated. It makes us too hard on ourselves and too hard on other people. "If he could just control his feelings he wouldn't be in this mess." "All she has to do is exert a bit of control and she could have what she wants." When dealing with other people the idea of control lets us off the hook, we get to write off their failures as their own fault. Why should we be bothered with feelings of sympathy or empathy because someone was lax in their control. On a personal level, and especially in America, we are saddled with expectations of perfection. Ideologically individualized, constantly driven by the concept of not having anyone to blame but ourselves. I think its utterly preposterous. We want to control our lives but we have to be careful. At the same time we have to display effusive amounts of gratitude for "what we have," in total spite of how we might be feeling at that moment or years down the road. This renders the idea of real control utterly mute, and it is even more glaring when we are intersecting with other people. Control as a double edge sword sucks, and is especially susceptible to sucking depending on who is wielding it. Despite desiring control of our lives we are still help up to normative standards of our society, which makes us desperately cling to our control even more, scaring the shit out of people who feel out of control and so on and so forth. Fast forward to anxiety and a host of other problems.
Is control a useful tool in holding ourselves accountable? Very much so. Does it help us to reach our goals and stay on track? Absolutely. All I wish is for us to remember the downsides when we hold on to it too rigidly. When we rest on our control like it is some sort of Puritanical laurel of achievement. Ironically too many Americans consider our nation to be a Christian one, if that were ultimately the truth, the need for control would diminish. We wouldn't need it because we have faith. What amuses me about the idea of control is that fact that I have a pretty total lack of said faith, but no strong desire to fight and push for my version of control. It is probably lazy on my part but I want to be forgiving of myself and those around me. I see the world as so interconnected there is just no way that my own actions will ever solely effect just me no matter how hard I try or how little I think about the effects of my actions. I also want to see life changing and I want to give myself permission to change with it and those around me as well. So as Ralph Ellison said in Invisible Man, “Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” We can try to be the most perfect human being, the best versions of ourselves, exert the utmost amount of control in the process, but after all, we are only human beings. We are all on the precipice of defeat because that is what it means to be human and fallible.
Monday, August 29, 2016
What is Perfection?
On a longer boat trip yesterday, I settled down to read and take a much needed nap. It was the close to another long and tiring weekend, that also ended up being personally challenging as well. I am the type of person that very much lives in my head and to me, I am always the problem and while I am cognizant of that fact, and despite my near constant failure, I am always looking to be better, to do better, to be the perfection I see in everyone else. So, I was excited when I found this article (http://qz.com/762868/giving-up-alcohol-opened-my-eyes-to-the-infuriating-truth-about-why-women-drink/) on my news feed and settled down to read it. At first it was awesome and I could not have agreed more and it made me feel a little better about myself until the end. The piece closed with the author and a a few other women, at the 'deep end' of the pool essentially judging a group of other women at the 'shallow end' for drinking at a bachelorette party. Not only did it ruin the article, it made me sad. Sad that here was an otherwise awesome and relatable article for women in general that became over-shadowed, at least for me, again by the fact that women always feel the need to judge others to validate their life. It made me sad for the author because she has a story to tell, she has needs, wants, feelings and failures, but why add that part at the end. The little part that invalidates the women's lives she is judging, for reasons unbeknownst to me, because it did not seem an imperative to the story that she was writing, unless I misread the whole piece and the only point she was trying to convey was that she was at some form of higher understanding which made her better than other women who still drink, even just a little. But, it didn't seem like that.
It got me thinking about why I was so bothered by it. Then I started thinking about all the women I smiled at this weekend at the regatta only to be met with scowls, some have been doing it for years but year after year I keep smiling. Like I have said before sailing is one of the most misogynistic activities a woman can participate in, silly me for thinking other women would want a conspiratorial grin (we made it through another day) much less to talk after a day of being out on the water with 3 men in a 22 ft boat. There are definitely awesome women sailors, who love to talk about the day on the water, and just because you want to be friendly with someone, it does not mean they have to be friendly with you, but for me it will always sucks because I do take it personally and like I said, I am aware of my short comings, believe me. I just wish that us women could be better to each other sometimes, nay, all the times. Not just more understanding, but more forgiving.
You see, I am sure all of this thinking is precipitated by my upcoming birthday and thinking about the past year. My 33rd year on this planet has been an weird one. Fun, but frustrating. I have gotten closer to some awesome people, went on adventures with some cool cats, have been frustrated by my near constant failures concerning employment and other areas, have gotten to spend a ton of time with family, and in general am still trying to figure out who I am in all of this. How can I be better, how can I be like the people I know, how can I be less frustrating, more perfect. I keep waiting for myself to figure it out, like everyone else has. What can be said when the same issues you had at 17, 23, and 27 crop up still when you are 33? My biggest question in all of this continues to simply be, "When will I grow up?" As weird as I am, I cannot be the only one with insecurities.
So as you can see, with all of this, it is easy to sit back and let my jealousy of all of you guide my need to judge. But, that is the one thing I can honestly say I am and have been cognizant about in the last year and it was why I was so bothered by the end of the article. It is why I am bothered by smile thing. So many of you are doing awesome an amazing things, when I see pictures, when I talk to you, whenever something negative floats into my head, and lets be honest we all do it, I have been mentally slapping myself. Not a face palming gesture, but a literal bitch slap to myself in my brain and chastising to stop it. Stop it because we all feel crappy sometimes so we need to live in our triumphs and perfect moments. I mentally slap myself to stop wishing people felt my failures or failure period, because they most likely do have their own. I don't want to be the kind of person who judges someone I know nothing about, and I most certainly do not want to be the kind of person who judges someone I know a lot about, because as much as we know them we are not them. So instead of judging someone, next time think about why. Is it our own failures driving us? Can we reconcile our personal experiences to the world around us and realize everyone has a different experience? Most of all, for all of my lady friends out there, think about how awesome our lives would be if we embraced each other instead of the constant competing. To women we know and don't know, lets offer each other a bit of grace because we most likely are NOT going to get it from anywhere else, so lets give each other the grace we deserve. We all strive for perfection, but for those of you I know, you are all pretty perfect to me, and for those women I don't I am sure you are too in your own way. It might not be you, but the society we live in.
It got me thinking about why I was so bothered by it. Then I started thinking about all the women I smiled at this weekend at the regatta only to be met with scowls, some have been doing it for years but year after year I keep smiling. Like I have said before sailing is one of the most misogynistic activities a woman can participate in, silly me for thinking other women would want a conspiratorial grin (we made it through another day) much less to talk after a day of being out on the water with 3 men in a 22 ft boat. There are definitely awesome women sailors, who love to talk about the day on the water, and just because you want to be friendly with someone, it does not mean they have to be friendly with you, but for me it will always sucks because I do take it personally and like I said, I am aware of my short comings, believe me. I just wish that us women could be better to each other sometimes, nay, all the times. Not just more understanding, but more forgiving.
You see, I am sure all of this thinking is precipitated by my upcoming birthday and thinking about the past year. My 33rd year on this planet has been an weird one. Fun, but frustrating. I have gotten closer to some awesome people, went on adventures with some cool cats, have been frustrated by my near constant failures concerning employment and other areas, have gotten to spend a ton of time with family, and in general am still trying to figure out who I am in all of this. How can I be better, how can I be like the people I know, how can I be less frustrating, more perfect. I keep waiting for myself to figure it out, like everyone else has. What can be said when the same issues you had at 17, 23, and 27 crop up still when you are 33? My biggest question in all of this continues to simply be, "When will I grow up?" As weird as I am, I cannot be the only one with insecurities.
So as you can see, with all of this, it is easy to sit back and let my jealousy of all of you guide my need to judge. But, that is the one thing I can honestly say I am and have been cognizant about in the last year and it was why I was so bothered by the end of the article. It is why I am bothered by smile thing. So many of you are doing awesome an amazing things, when I see pictures, when I talk to you, whenever something negative floats into my head, and lets be honest we all do it, I have been mentally slapping myself. Not a face palming gesture, but a literal bitch slap to myself in my brain and chastising to stop it. Stop it because we all feel crappy sometimes so we need to live in our triumphs and perfect moments. I mentally slap myself to stop wishing people felt my failures or failure period, because they most likely do have their own. I don't want to be the kind of person who judges someone I know nothing about, and I most certainly do not want to be the kind of person who judges someone I know a lot about, because as much as we know them we are not them. So instead of judging someone, next time think about why. Is it our own failures driving us? Can we reconcile our personal experiences to the world around us and realize everyone has a different experience? Most of all, for all of my lady friends out there, think about how awesome our lives would be if we embraced each other instead of the constant competing. To women we know and don't know, lets offer each other a bit of grace because we most likely are NOT going to get it from anywhere else, so lets give each other the grace we deserve. We all strive for perfection, but for those of you I know, you are all pretty perfect to me, and for those women I don't I am sure you are too in your own way. It might not be you, but the society we live in.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Blood in the Streets
Yesterday, I was scrolling through my news feed and came to the Milwaukee news section. The first story was about a 17 year old boy leading police on a chase, being arrested, and now faces a few felony charges. I immediately felt bad for him. I felt bad because he never had a chance in this world. I felt bad because someone should have been there to guide him through his life, yet in light of his actions, it seems clear no one was there. I felt bad because the way he is, is not entirely his fault. He is only seventeen, the brain has yet to even fully formed, and he unfortunately screwed in a big way. It simultaneously and glaringly reflected my status in this country. Though, and through, my parents hard work, though, and through, my hard work, and my husband's, we have solidified our status a part of the privileged class in America. Most of the people I know, save a handful, reside in this class, despite their inability to see this.
So, this causes me to confess my confusion as to why so many in this country resonate with such a negative message of the realities of living in 2016 America. I do not feel oppressed, I do not feel suppressed. Am I fearful sometimes? Yes, but overall I look around and there so many great things about being here, I just have a hard time feeling disenfranchised, and for the people I know on Facebook, most of you are pretty lucky as well. You get to have children and not worry about if they will starve to death. You get to travel, skateboard, snowboard, ski, or sail most of your days away. You get to be stay-at-home dads or moms. You get to start and run your own businesses. You get to eat out, or eat in, but you get to eat. You can pretty much say whatever you want, whenever you want. You can watch Game of Thrones, drive your cars thousands of miles, vote, wear whatever your want, and just in general live. For all the crapping on America, or hard feelings about who we are as a country, you have to at least admit, we got it good.
Take me for example, I get to wake up at 7am and run 3 miles with my dog. I do not have to worry about being kidnapped and gang raped, like women in India or Brazil. I can wear shorts and t-shirt and not worry about breaking some indecency law. I get to travel, a lot. I don't have to have kids if I do not want to. My husband cannot beat me, like they can in Pakistan with their new guidelines/laws on domestic violence there. I get to watch little girls and boys walking to the school near my house every morning, without violent men waiting to kidnap the girls like in Nigeria or kill them like in Afghanistan. I see my young neighbor getting jobs and working like all young men and women want to do, but do not have the opportunity in Spain, Italy, Greece, or many European countries in economic crisis, still. Our beer companies can make beer, unlike those in Venezuela who are dependent on what their governments say can and cannot be produced. I see Verizon workers striking and winning concessions out of it, without committing violence or having violence committed against them, which is often the case in many parts of the world, even in Europe. I see the dangerous weaknesses in Russia and China that threaten world instability, and as a consequence how they treat their citizens and the countries in their region and I am more than grateful we have Canada and Mexico as our neighbors.
Here is what I do not see in America. White men being oppressed. They still get to walk into a room and not have their authority or knowledge of a topic questioned or second guessed. They still get a career boost when they have kids, not a career penalty like most women. They still get lighter jail sentences when committing crime than their minority counterparts. They do not have their resumes tossed in the trash because their name sounds "too ethnic." They do not continually have the bar of success moved higher and higher out of reach every time the meet it, like women. They do not have to do double the work to win. So, this is why I am confused at the collective temper tantrum.
For better or worse, we live in a capitalistic society. We have for a long time. We live in republic that consists of fifty states that follow a constitution. It allows us the privileges and freedom to do more than most any other person in any other country. Because of this, things are not perfect. With 300 million people, things will never be perfect. But, we know how bad things can get. We see the people of North Korea starving. We see Putin's opponents being murdered and people who speak out jailed. We see hundreds of refugees drowning in the Mediterranean escaping turmoil. (Biggest thing I have learned this primary season is the public has a gross misunderstanding of what the role of the Secretary of State is, but that is besides the point.) For better or worse our ideals were founded upon the notion free will, personal responsibility, and the right to participate in our communities. No one is taking that away from you, no one is forcing a lifestyle upon you that you cannot change. Stop saying we are oppressed. Stop saying we are suppressed. Stop saying we are "slaves" in some sort of machine. If you do not like it, then work to change it just more than every four years.
So, why in God's name would we want to "burn everything down?" Getting mad every four years is not going to change anything, but volunteering in your community will. I need to do better at that myself. We create a different country and a different world by making a difference to other people, not being angry. Revolution has such romantic connotations, I think we forget the consequences of past revolutions. The War of 1812, Napoleon Bonaparte, ISIS, Tienanmen Square, the starvation and food shortages in Russia. You fancy a revolution, fine, but remember most pensions, 401K, IRA's and retirement plans depend on Wall Street. Walgreens and CVS own most of the pharmacies, and what are we going to do to the corporations who make the drugs people rely on? Most people cannot pay their mortgage in full if the loan is called in due to economic instability. Getting money out of politics does not require a revolution, it requires a SCOTUS to make nuanced and fair decisions to court cases brought forward and fair interpretations of the constitution. You want to tear down the "moneyed class" fine, but it is always changing and people are always finding ways to make money, that will be a very bloody guillotine, just like in France you are going to have to murder a lot of people. Furthermore, just because people have money it doesn't make them bad, they just have money. You want to stop trade agreements, fine, all you have to do is stop shopping at Walmart and support your small local business who are not selling the cheap crap made in China, but that will cost you more money. Stop buying smart phones and other electronics. You want corporations to pay their fair share, fine, demand that you congress person address the loopholes in the tax code or work to vote them out of office.
The ironic thing about all this, the funny thing, is that if there is a conspiracy between the rich and the corporations to disparage and degrade the plebs, they certainly have us where they want us. As Baron Rothschild once said, "The time to buy is when there's blood in the streets." There may not be blood in the streets, but we certainly are hell bent on creating a gaping divide between us citizens. Do you honestly think tearing down our institutions, letting a madman billionaire and demagogue become president, is going to change anything for the better? The way I see it, I am comfortable in my lucky status and I realized I am privileged. I have been granted a lifestyle I could only dream of as kid, I just want others to be able to enjoy the same thing. If you have time, if you have extra food, money to pay your bills, in this world you are privileged. I am working for positive growth and cohesion between everyone. And I do believe that is more noble than flirting with the idea of destroying 200+ years of progress. If someone told you change is easy, fast, or you can get instant gratification, you were lied to and mislead. If you magically think everything will be different because someone promised it, that is an outright lie. The way I see it, we have two choices, work hard to change. Which is what change requires. Or "let it burn to the ground" and dance on its ashes while we watch a man who has defrauded thousands, bully his way through the highest office in our country, while alienating everything our founding fathers stood for.
So, this causes me to confess my confusion as to why so many in this country resonate with such a negative message of the realities of living in 2016 America. I do not feel oppressed, I do not feel suppressed. Am I fearful sometimes? Yes, but overall I look around and there so many great things about being here, I just have a hard time feeling disenfranchised, and for the people I know on Facebook, most of you are pretty lucky as well. You get to have children and not worry about if they will starve to death. You get to travel, skateboard, snowboard, ski, or sail most of your days away. You get to be stay-at-home dads or moms. You get to start and run your own businesses. You get to eat out, or eat in, but you get to eat. You can pretty much say whatever you want, whenever you want. You can watch Game of Thrones, drive your cars thousands of miles, vote, wear whatever your want, and just in general live. For all the crapping on America, or hard feelings about who we are as a country, you have to at least admit, we got it good.
Take me for example, I get to wake up at 7am and run 3 miles with my dog. I do not have to worry about being kidnapped and gang raped, like women in India or Brazil. I can wear shorts and t-shirt and not worry about breaking some indecency law. I get to travel, a lot. I don't have to have kids if I do not want to. My husband cannot beat me, like they can in Pakistan with their new guidelines/laws on domestic violence there. I get to watch little girls and boys walking to the school near my house every morning, without violent men waiting to kidnap the girls like in Nigeria or kill them like in Afghanistan. I see my young neighbor getting jobs and working like all young men and women want to do, but do not have the opportunity in Spain, Italy, Greece, or many European countries in economic crisis, still. Our beer companies can make beer, unlike those in Venezuela who are dependent on what their governments say can and cannot be produced. I see Verizon workers striking and winning concessions out of it, without committing violence or having violence committed against them, which is often the case in many parts of the world, even in Europe. I see the dangerous weaknesses in Russia and China that threaten world instability, and as a consequence how they treat their citizens and the countries in their region and I am more than grateful we have Canada and Mexico as our neighbors.
Here is what I do not see in America. White men being oppressed. They still get to walk into a room and not have their authority or knowledge of a topic questioned or second guessed. They still get a career boost when they have kids, not a career penalty like most women. They still get lighter jail sentences when committing crime than their minority counterparts. They do not have their resumes tossed in the trash because their name sounds "too ethnic." They do not continually have the bar of success moved higher and higher out of reach every time the meet it, like women. They do not have to do double the work to win. So, this is why I am confused at the collective temper tantrum.
For better or worse, we live in a capitalistic society. We have for a long time. We live in republic that consists of fifty states that follow a constitution. It allows us the privileges and freedom to do more than most any other person in any other country. Because of this, things are not perfect. With 300 million people, things will never be perfect. But, we know how bad things can get. We see the people of North Korea starving. We see Putin's opponents being murdered and people who speak out jailed. We see hundreds of refugees drowning in the Mediterranean escaping turmoil. (Biggest thing I have learned this primary season is the public has a gross misunderstanding of what the role of the Secretary of State is, but that is besides the point.) For better or worse our ideals were founded upon the notion free will, personal responsibility, and the right to participate in our communities. No one is taking that away from you, no one is forcing a lifestyle upon you that you cannot change. Stop saying we are oppressed. Stop saying we are suppressed. Stop saying we are "slaves" in some sort of machine. If you do not like it, then work to change it just more than every four years.
So, why in God's name would we want to "burn everything down?" Getting mad every four years is not going to change anything, but volunteering in your community will. I need to do better at that myself. We create a different country and a different world by making a difference to other people, not being angry. Revolution has such romantic connotations, I think we forget the consequences of past revolutions. The War of 1812, Napoleon Bonaparte, ISIS, Tienanmen Square, the starvation and food shortages in Russia. You fancy a revolution, fine, but remember most pensions, 401K, IRA's and retirement plans depend on Wall Street. Walgreens and CVS own most of the pharmacies, and what are we going to do to the corporations who make the drugs people rely on? Most people cannot pay their mortgage in full if the loan is called in due to economic instability. Getting money out of politics does not require a revolution, it requires a SCOTUS to make nuanced and fair decisions to court cases brought forward and fair interpretations of the constitution. You want to tear down the "moneyed class" fine, but it is always changing and people are always finding ways to make money, that will be a very bloody guillotine, just like in France you are going to have to murder a lot of people. Furthermore, just because people have money it doesn't make them bad, they just have money. You want to stop trade agreements, fine, all you have to do is stop shopping at Walmart and support your small local business who are not selling the cheap crap made in China, but that will cost you more money. Stop buying smart phones and other electronics. You want corporations to pay their fair share, fine, demand that you congress person address the loopholes in the tax code or work to vote them out of office.
The ironic thing about all this, the funny thing, is that if there is a conspiracy between the rich and the corporations to disparage and degrade the plebs, they certainly have us where they want us. As Baron Rothschild once said, "The time to buy is when there's blood in the streets." There may not be blood in the streets, but we certainly are hell bent on creating a gaping divide between us citizens. Do you honestly think tearing down our institutions, letting a madman billionaire and demagogue become president, is going to change anything for the better? The way I see it, I am comfortable in my lucky status and I realized I am privileged. I have been granted a lifestyle I could only dream of as kid, I just want others to be able to enjoy the same thing. If you have time, if you have extra food, money to pay your bills, in this world you are privileged. I am working for positive growth and cohesion between everyone. And I do believe that is more noble than flirting with the idea of destroying 200+ years of progress. If someone told you change is easy, fast, or you can get instant gratification, you were lied to and mislead. If you magically think everything will be different because someone promised it, that is an outright lie. The way I see it, we have two choices, work hard to change. Which is what change requires. Or "let it burn to the ground" and dance on its ashes while we watch a man who has defrauded thousands, bully his way through the highest office in our country, while alienating everything our founding fathers stood for.
Friday, June 3, 2016
Boys Seem to Like the Girls Who Laugh at Anything
A few weeks ago, I wrote a little blip about the difficulties for women sailors, especially on Lake Michigan. It was maybe 3 paragraphs, nothing big. It just mentioned the widely known disparities that women sailing competitively face. I was inspired by the struggles faced by women from team SCA who did the Volvo Ocean Race, and did fairly well, yet still will never be able to achieve or perform at or in the same level as the men in this sport, the pinnacle event, The America's Cup. I was also inspired by my own double daily workouts, after falling down for the thousandth time in a puddle of my own sweat I couldn't help but asking, "What am I doing this for?" And if you see some of the men that sail, you would understand my frustration. So, what am I doing this for??
That article that I wrote was highly praised by many members in the club, men and women alike (many whom I admire and respect), but also highly dissed by, you guessed it, women. We like to diminish or dismiss experiences of others when we have not had the same ones and that absolutely drives me crazy. When we refuse to ever remotely understand what may or may not be happening outside our own bubbles we are reinforcing our own beliefs about what we think is going on or should be going on and it is a cycle of convenient ignorance. But, that is not the way the world works. A 23 year old man with no experience can pretty much walk onto any sailboat and be picked over me 99% of the time. So what am I doing this for? I am using this sailing metaphor for life in general. Too many women believe that feminism is a bad word. Or that women are totally equal and never face discrimination, despite the fact it is documented in salaries, on corporate boards, and many other places. Or that certain insults are not the product of our male dominated culture, a bitch is a female dog, why is that an insult, I love my female dog. That our rape problem is inflated by false accusations or girls who want attention. Or that women who bring forth instances of domestic abuse are only gold diggers or weak and faulty because they just don't leave. Just a few examples, but my point is, WE ARE STILL NOT EQUAL, WE NEVER HAVE BEEN EQUAL and if you think, because it is not your problem that there is no problem, well when it is your turn it will be a rude awakening.
I am also saying this in a climate rife with blood-lust hatred for a lady who apparently is the singular person responsible for all ills in the world for the past 30 years, yet ironically is reduced to the sum of all her husbands indiscretions to boot. You can not like a woman that is fine, but to bring to a level of witch hunt that it is at, is the very reason why some other women cry foul (aside from the WaPo polls that mention a majority of the haters are white male and reason to also cry foul). Not to mention the angsty anger to see some one fail so hard and spectacularly it scary for other reasons for me, but I digress. Because all of the sudden I see it around me. I feel the resentment towards women in general by so many. Women people do not know, women people do know, the woman who succeeds is the woman seen as bitch or unlikable and so on and so on. I see how hard some of my friends have to work. I see how big of a struggle it is for women to please people, any people, these days. I feel the asinine childlike behavior of a man having a tantrum because a lady doesn't want a second date, or because someone turned him down for a drink. And I love it, because the first men who are going to get angry with this post are probably exactly what I am talking about.
So I wanted to write this because the LVACWS (Louis Vuitton Ameica's Cup World Series) event is coming to Chicago next week. It is an event designed to spread awareness of sailing, a rich white mans sport. However, there are no minorities in the event, and no women sailors. How are you going to spread interest when you shut out the NEW MAJORITY of people in this county? In a climate where everyone is fearful that something is being taken away from them, where their ideas of victimization are trumped up (haha yeah that was a pun) we need to be vigilant in making sure that we take what is ours, that we fight for our right to participate FULLY in this country. Where we can be so successful yet so far away from the top prize is indicative that we have a long long way to go. For the women out there who do not believe me, or think I am some ranting lunatic liberal, think about it the next time a man looks at you a little too long or catcalls you. He thinks he is entitled to you and why do you think that is? This is still just a mans world and we are only living it.
That article that I wrote was highly praised by many members in the club, men and women alike (many whom I admire and respect), but also highly dissed by, you guessed it, women. We like to diminish or dismiss experiences of others when we have not had the same ones and that absolutely drives me crazy. When we refuse to ever remotely understand what may or may not be happening outside our own bubbles we are reinforcing our own beliefs about what we think is going on or should be going on and it is a cycle of convenient ignorance. But, that is not the way the world works. A 23 year old man with no experience can pretty much walk onto any sailboat and be picked over me 99% of the time. So what am I doing this for? I am using this sailing metaphor for life in general. Too many women believe that feminism is a bad word. Or that women are totally equal and never face discrimination, despite the fact it is documented in salaries, on corporate boards, and many other places. Or that certain insults are not the product of our male dominated culture, a bitch is a female dog, why is that an insult, I love my female dog. That our rape problem is inflated by false accusations or girls who want attention. Or that women who bring forth instances of domestic abuse are only gold diggers or weak and faulty because they just don't leave. Just a few examples, but my point is, WE ARE STILL NOT EQUAL, WE NEVER HAVE BEEN EQUAL and if you think, because it is not your problem that there is no problem, well when it is your turn it will be a rude awakening.
I am also saying this in a climate rife with blood-lust hatred for a lady who apparently is the singular person responsible for all ills in the world for the past 30 years, yet ironically is reduced to the sum of all her husbands indiscretions to boot. You can not like a woman that is fine, but to bring to a level of witch hunt that it is at, is the very reason why some other women cry foul (aside from the WaPo polls that mention a majority of the haters are white male and reason to also cry foul). Not to mention the angsty anger to see some one fail so hard and spectacularly it scary for other reasons for me, but I digress. Because all of the sudden I see it around me. I feel the resentment towards women in general by so many. Women people do not know, women people do know, the woman who succeeds is the woman seen as bitch or unlikable and so on and so on. I see how hard some of my friends have to work. I see how big of a struggle it is for women to please people, any people, these days. I feel the asinine childlike behavior of a man having a tantrum because a lady doesn't want a second date, or because someone turned him down for a drink. And I love it, because the first men who are going to get angry with this post are probably exactly what I am talking about.
So I wanted to write this because the LVACWS (Louis Vuitton Ameica's Cup World Series) event is coming to Chicago next week. It is an event designed to spread awareness of sailing, a rich white mans sport. However, there are no minorities in the event, and no women sailors. How are you going to spread interest when you shut out the NEW MAJORITY of people in this county? In a climate where everyone is fearful that something is being taken away from them, where their ideas of victimization are trumped up (haha yeah that was a pun) we need to be vigilant in making sure that we take what is ours, that we fight for our right to participate FULLY in this country. Where we can be so successful yet so far away from the top prize is indicative that we have a long long way to go. For the women out there who do not believe me, or think I am some ranting lunatic liberal, think about it the next time a man looks at you a little too long or catcalls you. He thinks he is entitled to you and why do you think that is? This is still just a mans world and we are only living it.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Giving Up the Gun
There is a Vampire Weekend song from a few years ago that I just absolutely love. Anytime it comes on, it consumes me. Therefore it is on my running playlist, workout playlist, chilling out playlist, and party playlist. So when it came on in my car on a long drive to Minnesota a few weeks ago, I took the moment, turned up the volume and of course karaoked it, loud. Imagine my surprise when at 7 am, having driven 2.5 hours already, I came to the realization that I was getting the point of that song totally wrong all these years. In this time period in my life, when 2016 just keeps knocking me down, I realized that Giving Up the Gun isn't about fading glory but trying to reclaim a piece of yourself that you may have forgotten or gave up along the way. It is about forgetting who we are in this world and about who we become in order to survive, thrive, or claw our way up. I hit repeat and sure enough, "Your sword's grown old and rusty, Burnt beneath the rising sun, It's locked up like a trophy, Forgetting all the things it's done."
After months of not only outright rejection, but of also not even being acknowledged, it is hard to not feel like the person in the song. "And though it's been a long time, You're right back where you started from." How can my eyes not get a little watery? Despite it being a lot teenager-esque in nature, here it felt like Ezra Koenig was singing right into my soul. But once this realization came, so did a lot more, mainly I just do what I am doing anymore. I metaphorically cannot play this game like everyone else does, with a gun. I need a different tool, something I am good at, something I have had success with in the past. Whatever my "sword" is, it must be very corroded. I also can't figure it out or find it, like our fireproof safe key when I hid it in the sub woofer and forgot that is where I put it. So despite the helpful comments from friends and family, you know those pesky things I need to work on that I can't seem to drop like bad habits no matter how hard I try because I think they are just a part of me. Like, needing to be lest honest, less outspoken, swear less, sell myself better, "use my network," work harder, and societies general screw you to women, you know prettier, thinner, quieter, and soft-spoken and despite years of trying to be different, it just is not me.
I tried at age 19 to be better, to be awesome, to be the thing that was needed and I failed miserably. I spent the rest of my early twenties proving that the failure was fine and I could just do everything on my own and I was really good at that. I never missed rent, or tuition payments, and I was always able to buy my books. I did that for a majority of my twenties, until the crazed maniac I ended up working for finally got to me. Then I spent the rest of my twenties trying to prove that I was smart, despite being a loud mouthed blonde. And I did it again by getting a masters degree while still working, though I had a safety net called Ed to fall back on. Ever since then, because I am what I am (unappealing to the professional world), I just do what people have been expecting. Work. Jobs, any jobs. And for what? So, now here I am back at square one and I am ready to give up the gun, because in truth, it is not what I am good at and I want that to be OK.
Because, this whole time I have done so many cool things most people will never get to do, nor want to do (and that is also OK, we have choices). I learned, and am still learning, to sail. Subsequently I have traversed Lake Michigan the long way 6 and a half times, with a few storms. I have sailed in Key West, Lake Dillon, CO during a "micro-burst", the Chesapeake Bay in a hurricane, and most recently amazing Antigua. I have been trying to explore the world one place at a time and have been lucky enough to even repeat visits to some of my favorite places. I have met people from all over the world. I can make friends in so many places I go, it is not for lack of emotional intelligence (or my fatal flaws according to American and the puritanical midwest) on my part, nor survival skills. I have gotten to go to some awesome music festivals, with some awesome people, and have been included in some pretty cool events. There is this whole giant world out there that turns and goes through the same hours and minutes as our day. While I am eating lunch at 1 pm here, someone in Sydney, Australia is sleeping or just getting up for a really early morning at work tomorrow. In Amsterdam someone is putting their kids to bed and in Reykjavik someone is just sitting down for dinner.
These experiences and thoughts are of such insignificant nature in our society, that it is clear that not only am I using the wrong tool, I am probably using it improperly, and more so my wiring is not apparently not right. And I get it, it is where all the well intended advice comes from. My friends and family want me to succeed, they want me to use the tool that they have been successfully wielding, it is just I am expected to start all over again, again, and again. We are supposed to grateful for any opportunity no matter what it is and that we get what we deserve, and deserve what we get good or bad. But, the world turns and it just feels like it does not have to be that way. We have agency but our system makes it so that we are mostly dependent on other people's actions or inaction's and superficial judgements. So I just want to take a step in the opposite direction. It is probably the wrong thing to do, because of my nature I seem to do the wrong thing anyway. I am too honest, but I can't play games because I am too competitive and that also hasn't worked well for me so...... I need to find my own tool, the thing I can use to find my place in this world. Then and only then can I hopefully "shine" in my way.
After months of not only outright rejection, but of also not even being acknowledged, it is hard to not feel like the person in the song. "And though it's been a long time, You're right back where you started from." How can my eyes not get a little watery? Despite it being a lot teenager-esque in nature, here it felt like Ezra Koenig was singing right into my soul. But once this realization came, so did a lot more, mainly I just do what I am doing anymore. I metaphorically cannot play this game like everyone else does, with a gun. I need a different tool, something I am good at, something I have had success with in the past. Whatever my "sword" is, it must be very corroded. I also can't figure it out or find it, like our fireproof safe key when I hid it in the sub woofer and forgot that is where I put it. So despite the helpful comments from friends and family, you know those pesky things I need to work on that I can't seem to drop like bad habits no matter how hard I try because I think they are just a part of me. Like, needing to be lest honest, less outspoken, swear less, sell myself better, "use my network," work harder, and societies general screw you to women, you know prettier, thinner, quieter, and soft-spoken and despite years of trying to be different, it just is not me.
I tried at age 19 to be better, to be awesome, to be the thing that was needed and I failed miserably. I spent the rest of my early twenties proving that the failure was fine and I could just do everything on my own and I was really good at that. I never missed rent, or tuition payments, and I was always able to buy my books. I did that for a majority of my twenties, until the crazed maniac I ended up working for finally got to me. Then I spent the rest of my twenties trying to prove that I was smart, despite being a loud mouthed blonde. And I did it again by getting a masters degree while still working, though I had a safety net called Ed to fall back on. Ever since then, because I am what I am (unappealing to the professional world), I just do what people have been expecting. Work. Jobs, any jobs. And for what? So, now here I am back at square one and I am ready to give up the gun, because in truth, it is not what I am good at and I want that to be OK.
Because, this whole time I have done so many cool things most people will never get to do, nor want to do (and that is also OK, we have choices). I learned, and am still learning, to sail. Subsequently I have traversed Lake Michigan the long way 6 and a half times, with a few storms. I have sailed in Key West, Lake Dillon, CO during a "micro-burst", the Chesapeake Bay in a hurricane, and most recently amazing Antigua. I have been trying to explore the world one place at a time and have been lucky enough to even repeat visits to some of my favorite places. I have met people from all over the world. I can make friends in so many places I go, it is not for lack of emotional intelligence (or my fatal flaws according to American and the puritanical midwest) on my part, nor survival skills. I have gotten to go to some awesome music festivals, with some awesome people, and have been included in some pretty cool events. There is this whole giant world out there that turns and goes through the same hours and minutes as our day. While I am eating lunch at 1 pm here, someone in Sydney, Australia is sleeping or just getting up for a really early morning at work tomorrow. In Amsterdam someone is putting their kids to bed and in Reykjavik someone is just sitting down for dinner.
These experiences and thoughts are of such insignificant nature in our society, that it is clear that not only am I using the wrong tool, I am probably using it improperly, and more so my wiring is not apparently not right. And I get it, it is where all the well intended advice comes from. My friends and family want me to succeed, they want me to use the tool that they have been successfully wielding, it is just I am expected to start all over again, again, and again. We are supposed to grateful for any opportunity no matter what it is and that we get what we deserve, and deserve what we get good or bad. But, the world turns and it just feels like it does not have to be that way. We have agency but our system makes it so that we are mostly dependent on other people's actions or inaction's and superficial judgements. So I just want to take a step in the opposite direction. It is probably the wrong thing to do, because of my nature I seem to do the wrong thing anyway. I am too honest, but I can't play games because I am too competitive and that also hasn't worked well for me so...... I need to find my own tool, the thing I can use to find my place in this world. Then and only then can I hopefully "shine" in my way.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
My Sisters and My Sisters
Lucky is definitely how I would describe myself in terms of my family. I have not one, not two, but three amazing sisters. Three automatic best friends who have to love me because they are family. I kid :) We get a long great (as adults) and I am thankful for our relationship with each other every day. It is also the template I use in all of my relationships with other women, which is great and sucky at the same time. I have also been lucky enough to be a teammate to some amazing women, and those relationships can at times be astonishingly similar to having sisters and I find myself being doubly lucky to be able to pick up contact with them like we haven't gone a month without talking. We have been through a lot together. Literal blood, sweat, and tears....as well team showers and team bathroom breaks (wink wink). It is another template I use to navigate my relationships with other women, it is also great and also sucky. What is awesome about getting older is that I can start to see the forest for the trees in so many of my relationships and it doesn't make hard or hurt feelings or regret any better, but at least I can understand a little more. That not everything is due to my own shortcomings. You see, I go in with intensity, I stay in it with intensity, I love fiercely, and I forget failings in rapid succession (which drives my amazing husband crazy). It makes me take things so personally. It used to be hard for me to understand that obviously people are different, so not everyone does this, and it is further exacerbated by the 3 women and old teammates that constantly have my back because they have seen me at my worst, be it my emotional worst, or my worst towards them. I have made amends with them and they with me so many times all we have left of our relationships is truth and love and that is truly something to be grateful for. However, it makes navigating my adult relationships, relationships I hold so dear to my heart, a little trickier. Feelings are difficult, situation are complex, and the dynamics are effected by outside stressors. The relationships are just baby plants still trying to grow. They can be turned off by my worst, offended by my perceived slights of character, or just looking for an out. 
So, I felt like I needed to write this because I see so many articles, posts, memes, or screeds about how it is OK to move on from friendships, that we out-grow each other, etc....We see on TV how often women treat each horribly from the Real Housewife franchise, to dramas, to celebrity news. We experience it in real life still unfortunately. One of my good guy friends often starts his advise by saying, "There is no one more awful to women than other women." Not only do I want this to be untrue, I want to live the exact opposite. It is why I give a wide berth to drama, it is why I can forgive my friends for almost any perceived offense (even if it is a courtesy not afforded to me), it is why I try so hard to treat my girlfriends like they are my sisters or teammates. It is why I fight for my relationships and will continue to do so. I have been through so many fun times, so many not just hard but horrible times, so many milestones with so many women that there is nothing I can do but fight for my friendships. The hard part about friendship as adults is that we can only hope that the other person feels the same way and that can be heartbreaking. 
A new friend of mine who is a bit younger is going through one of the worst times in a young woman's life. It might sound melodramatic, but, when all of your friends are getting married and/or having kids and you are not, it is the time when you start to get left behind. I have been lucky to have a few "older" friends give me the advice to hang in there, that yeah it gets really shitty and really really hurtful for most of your thirties, but in your forties, some of those friends come back. And look, no one ever expect to be as important as a husband or kid, but it does not make the pill any easier to swallow. I will hang in there because I refuse to believe that all of my friends who are on a different life path are suddenly a totally different person and we no longer have anything in common. It is an asinine notion to me that someone I was drinking wine with 2 years ago no longer likes that, someone who shared a meal with me a year ago, no longer likes to eat. That our mutual investment of time and love into each other was cheap and not priceless. And hey I get it, it might be asinine for me to actually think we still have things in common when things change in our life, but I do not want believe everything we shared has been in vain. I do not believe that people come in and our of our lives for a purpose then leave. Some do, but relationships where time has been invested, love shared, experiences had, those can last a lifetime. Or at least, I would love for them to last a lifetime. So, I told my friend to hang in there, that it will hurt and your hurt feelings will not be acknowledged. But, are you willing to brush it off in hopes that you can salvage what you hold dear and persevere through this period of time?
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| These three!! |
We give up so much in our lives. We waste time doing things that in the grand scheme do not really matter. None of the time we give to others should ever be a waste and maybe we need to get rid of this idea that people, like material objects, are disposable because I try (I might fail but I try) to make all of my friends feel like they are more than worthy of my time and love. It is something I have spent years working on, something I hold very high in value. That might not mean anything to some people, but I do know it important, so I will keep trying. I will keep fighting for my friendships, old and new. I will continue to NOT be overwhelmed by having many friends, because I do not see that as a burden, I see it as a gift. We do have a lot to give, sometimes we will not receive just compensation, but sometimes we will not be able to give back what others gave us. We need to stop expecting perfection from friendships, but be grateful for what that other person is offering us, because we cannot always offer the same. Sometimes we need to wait, sometimes we will be put on the back burner (despite our own problems), sometimes we need to be there and other times we need to give space. But, offering yourself to another person is never a waste of time. There are so many forms of love, I want all of my family and friends to feel that there is at least one person out there who will be there. Because I am lucky enough to feel that from my three sisters and because, my friends, you are all also my sisters. 
*I tried to pick pictures where my everyone looks awesome....it was hard. I also missed a ton of new and old amazing friends that I have had the pleasure of spending the past few years with, but a certain someone complains that my posts are too long-
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