It is that time of the year again. The time where Facebook comes out with their, "Year in Review" videos. All it does is remind me that another years passed without much accomplished. Which of course had me reminiscing about probably one of my weirdest years yet. And it wasn't necessarily a good year, but it also wasn't necessarily a bad year. 2016 just felt like a year where I didn't go anywhere. Like I sat in a glass snow globe and watched the world turn without me and life go on, on the outside. This, of course, led me to start thinking about what it was that was off about my year and oddly enough, I thought about my yoga class last Friday morning. Clearly weird, but then I stumbled across a word that helped me put my thoughts into perspective.
Last Friday morning in class, the instructor asked for two super hard poses to work towards. My back has been messed up for months, seriously putting a damper on my life and my right leg is now smaller than my left and it is freaking me out, but getting back to the point, for lack of a better term I have been taking the old lady classes. So when someone, another instructor, shouted out "bird of paradise" I was stoked. Not sure if I was ready for that pose, but figured I could at least try to get to a pose that a year ago was no sweat to me. Then it hit it me, it was going to be more difficult because I was in the back the row, meaning, I had to look forward and hopefully avoid looking at the wobbling figure in front of me. But, I put myself in the back row, purposefully. My confidence is low, fitness lost and I have been wanting to hide. It is just in general hard for me to get focused on me these days in a classroom full of loud breathers, moaners, and wobblers. I was nervous that I would have a hard time BALANCING if I watched the lady in front of me shake her way into some sort of modified "bird of paradise." But, I put myself behind her on purpose, it was a frustrating thought. So today, as I sit here thinking about what made 2016 so odd, I go back to that pose and think of the total and utter lack of balance. Not only did I have a hard time with balance, it seems our world did as well, and since I am always effected by those around me, I let other off-balanced people effect my balance, just like in yoga. I have been doubly off-balanced by things I can control and things that I cannot.
It has been a year of learning and realization. It has been a year of disappointment, self struggle, loss of love, missed friendships, physical and mental setbacks, and of multiple steps backward. However, it has also been a year of new experiences, new friendships, new adventures, hard work, and most of all a little acceptance. What this year hasn't been is quiet, steady, or even keeled. But, that lack of balance has helped me to understand me, my faults, and my strengths and it is hard to be mad at that. (Though it still feels like 2016 had a dark cloud over it.) If we know ourselves better, maybe we can be more forgiving, not just of ourselves but of others. The chaos created by being out of balance is a quiet chaos, but now that I see it everything just feels manic for lack of a better term. Everything is either/or, politically, economically, culturally, in our daily lives. You are either in, or you are out. There seems to be no room for anything but. This year seems to be about the overall creation of a zero-sum game. With that creation we are robbing ourselves of balance, which leads to anger and general malaise.
As the year comes to an end, I can't help but think of a quote from a book that I recently read called Shantaram. Long, a little too fantastical to be based on real life, but an okay book overall. This one idea really got to me, because as I struggle with my lack of balance, some melancholic feelings about things and people, it struck me as not only true, but okay. It is a concept that is pulling me back into balance, because I cannot help be anything other than me. I cannot control anyone else's balance, but I can control how much their balance effects me by focusing what I have to offer to remain in the game of life. As Lin says, "Love, like respect isn't something you get; it is something you give." As I looked for the indulgences known as affirmation and reciprocation in 2016, I lost my balance and it hurt. But, I am good at loving, and being vulnerable, and being open, and since I am literal, genuine. The realization that those are not necessarily going to be reciprocated actually feels peaceful and surprisingly, not personal. With that in mind, I am looking forward to friends, family, and new experiences in 2017 and to giving without expectation. I am just sorry it took me so long to realize that :)
